{"id":2676,"date":"2016-11-30T16:25:00","date_gmt":"2016-11-30T22:25:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ryangaffney.com\/wordpress\/?p=2676"},"modified":"2016-11-30T16:25:00","modified_gmt":"2016-11-30T22:25:00","slug":"self-sabotage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/fearofwhales\/2016\/11\/self-sabotage.html","title":{"rendered":"Self-Sabotage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\t\t\"176-1shoot_yourself_in_the_foot\"<\/a><\/p>\n

One of the really frustrating realities of writing a blog about one\u2019s life is that anyone could read it. It\u2019s not anonymous, and therefore the juciest, most compelling bits, must always be left on the cutting room floor.<\/p>\n

Anytime I write about a frustration I am currently experiencing, I risk making that frustration a lot worse. Because the people that are frustrating me could read it. This of course is compounded by my theory that Blogs are supposed to be half-baked because I\u2019m not even prepared to stand behind what I write! I\u2019m just processing here!<\/p>\n

When I left InterVarsity I had plenty of material to write on and think about regarding failure. I felt like I had let my students down and was being edged out of ministry, and I wanted to talk about what that felt like in the moment. I was also looking for a new Job, and It didn\u2019t make any sense to have a series of articles about all the mistakes I had made. So I let those ideas simmer and wrote on more disposable media.<\/p>\n

Again in seminary I had thoughts and feelings about community life and about progressive theology and the ways people on the left fail to practice many of the good things they preach. Again I felt it was better if I continued to be able to live at peace in my dorm, as opposed to having more scathing content for the blog.<\/p>\n

Even now, as I deal with the ordination process, and work on planting, I have content begging to be published about how to help planters and not hurt them, or about effective and ineffective ministry expectations\u2026 and yet, I want to be ordained.<\/p>\n

It’s not that I never wrote on any of these things. Just that it all had to be neutered, to some degree.<\/p>\n

This is all to be expected, this happens in all forms of writing to some degree. And this is a blog after all. It\u2019s not a priority in my life and it shoulden\u2019t be. And yet years later those articles about failure and community life still beg to be written, and I mourn for the fact that whatever form they take, they will never be as raw and authentic as if they were written back when writing might have cost me something.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to try anyway. Next week!\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

One of the really frustrating realities of writing a blog about one\u2019s life is that anyone could read it. It\u2019s not anonymous, and therefore the juciest, most compelling bits, must always be left on the cutting room floor. Anytime I write about a frustration I am currently experiencing, I risk making that frustration a lot…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":391,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2676","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nSelf-Sabotage - A Fear of Whales<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/fearofwhales\/2016\/11\/self-sabotage.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Self-Sabotage - A Fear of Whales\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"One of the really frustrating realities of writing a blog about one\u2019s life is that anyone could read it. 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