{"id":99,"date":"2011-08-03T10:39:07","date_gmt":"2011-08-03T14:39:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/facethepain\/?p=99"},"modified":"2011-08-03T10:39:07","modified_gmt":"2011-08-03T14:39:07","slug":"i-never-asked-god-why-until","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/facethepain\/2011\/08\/i-never-asked-god-why-until.html","title":{"rendered":"I Never Asked God Why, Until…"},"content":{"rendered":"

We all have reasonable expectations, especially when we have absolutely no reason to think otherwise. It’d be like entering 2 + 2 into a calculator and anything BUT 4 coming up on the screen.<\/p>\n

On September 10, 2006 despite Lisa’s cramping, discomfort, and a lengthy ultrasound, we were assured by nurses that, “Everything is OK.” Therefore, as a father, husband, and human being I had absolutely no reason to think otherwise. My expectations as we drove away from the hospital on our way home were that everything was OK.\u00a0 Well, it wasn’t. A few hours later, in my mind 2 + 2 did not equal 4.\u00a0 At that time in my life 2 + 2 equaled everything BUT 4!<\/p>\n

During the moments leading up to 1:57am the following morning I was in disarray.\u00a0 Here I was racing back to the hospital where just a few hours earlier everything was OK.\u00a0 What the heck was going on?!?! I still don’t know, and I never asked why.\u00a0 I never asked God why, that is. William was born 14 weeks early, under 2lbs, with multiple complications, yet I never asked God, “Why, my son?”\u00a0 Nope, not once.<\/p>\n

I was going through hell, it seemed.\u00a0 The last thing that I wanted to be asked was “Are you OK?” NO!!!\u00a0 Of course, I’d lie.\u00a0 I wasn’t OK. I was in pain. Sometimes I’d hear, “I know how you feel.”\u00a0 NO YOU DON’T! Let me tell you something. When you’re in your own skin, no one feels it like you do!\u00a0 I was in a constant mental and emotional battle!\u00a0 At times it was as if I were in a trance.\u00a0 I’d walk past the nursery several times each day.\u00a0 That was torture.\u00a0 It was right outside the NICU. This is where the full term babies were placed right after birth, I guessed. For me, looking at the babies behind that paned glass was like looking at giants. Believe it or not, sometimes I saw them.\u00a0 Sometimes I did not.\u00a0 Sure, they were there every day.\u00a0 I just chose not to see them.<\/p>\n

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They looked like giants to me.<\/dd>\n<\/dl>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We all have reasonable expectations, especially when we have absolutely no reason to think otherwise. It’d be like entering 2 + 2 into a calculator and anything BUT 4 coming up on the screen. 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