{"id":53,"date":"2009-06-18T10:11:55","date_gmt":"2009-06-18T10:11:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/everydayethics\/2009\/06\/facebook-is-it-ok-to-friend-an-old-flame.html"},"modified":"2009-06-18T10:11:55","modified_gmt":"2009-06-18T10:11:55","slug":"facebook-is-it-ok-to-friend-an-old-flame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/2009\/06\/facebook-is-it-ok-to-friend-an-old-flame.html","title":{"rendered":"Facebook: Is It OK to “Friend” An Old Flame?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Emotional<\/span>I know, I know–we talk a lot about Facebook<\/a> on this blog. I suppose that’s because Facebook<\/a> and other sites like it have become the engines of social interaction and social networking for our generation. And, out of everyday social interactions come everyday moral dilemmas.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
Like mine.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I’m at this fantastic hippy-dippy spiritual yoga retreat in the Berkshires (Kripalu<\/a>) on vacation with a friend. After several blissful internet-free days, I’m forced to borrow her iPhone to check in with work and see if I’m needed. (I must admit that iPhone is pretty damn awesome and I covet it in a way that is not at all spiritual.) Anyhow, as I scroll through my email, I see a message in my inbox saying, “You have a friend request from ___.” Now, ___ is an adorable, if extremely brief fling from somewhere deep<\/span> in my distant past. And I have fond memories of ___. *Sigh.* <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
BUT.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n


\nI’m happily married now. I’ve been<\/span> married to my smooshy for just over 2 years, and I’d like to stay<\/span> married for another 47.9888 or so. (He’ll get the reference.)<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
I know, from a brief email communique a few years back, that ___ is also happily married and raising a kid (perhaps several) by now. So, there seems like there’d be no harm in accepting the friend request.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Or would there?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Beliefnet’s got a ton of resources on emotional affairs<\/a>, but for my own self, I’ll just tell you my thoughts on the ethical thing to do here, (and what, in fact, I ended up doing).<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n
    \n
      \n
    1. Tell my husband about the friend request.<\/li>\n
    2. Send a message to the old flame telling him I hope he is well but I am not going to accept his request at this time because I don’t want any hint of impropriety.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/ol>\n
      <\/div>\n
      Why do these things? Because I don’t want to<\/span>. Because there’s a part of me that would like to open the door, even just for ego’s sake, for nostalgia, for curiosity. Because, frankly, it feels like a suspiciously hard decision, and it shouldn’t be.<\/div>\n
      <\/div>\n
      What would you have done?<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      I know, I know–we talk a lot about Facebook on this blog. I suppose that’s because Facebook and other sites like it have become the engines of social interaction and social networking for our generation. And, out of everyday social interactions come everyday moral dilemmas. Like mine. I’m at this fantastic hippy-dippy spiritual yoga retreat…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":197,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-53","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-by-hillary-fields","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nFacebook: Is It OK to "Friend" An Old Flame? - Everyday Ethics<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/2009\/06\/facebook-is-it-ok-to-friend-an-old-flame.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Facebook: Is It OK to "Friend" An Old Flame? - Everyday Ethics\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I know, I know–we talk a lot about Facebook on this blog. 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She attended St. John's College in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where she studied classics and philosophy, and then respectfully declined to spend the rest of her life in an ivory tower. Instead, she turned to the life of a writer and editor, penning three romance novels published by St. Martin's Press and contributing features to such periodicals as Cosmopolitan magazine. Her fascination with the moral dilemmas that crop up in everyday life--and the many intriguing ways people handle them--has always colored her writings. Now, that interest is leading her to take the discussion online; where, hopefully, the addition of reader feedback will bring these quotidian quandaries--and their potential solutions--vibrantly to life. When she's not plumbing the ethical mysteries of humanity, her passions include cooking (especially baking), origami, kittens, reading, watching really bad television and playing online scrabble. (And no, she doesn't cheat... much.)","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/author\/hfields"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/197"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=53"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/53\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=53"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=53"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=53"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}