{"id":34,"date":"2009-05-30T19:22:31","date_gmt":"2009-05-30T19:22:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/everydayethics\/2009\/05\/the-rules-how-to-date-honestly-or-too-honestly.html"},"modified":"2009-05-30T19:22:31","modified_gmt":"2009-05-30T19:22:31","slug":"the-rules-how-to-date-honestly-or-too-honestly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/2009\/05\/the-rules-how-to-date-honestly-or-too-honestly.html","title":{"rendered":"The Rules: How to Date Honestly (Or Too Honestly)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"candlelitdinner.jpg\"<\/a><\/span>You’re on a first date, gazing into the eyes of the perfectly lovely (or handsome) person across from you, when they casually mention that they don’t have plans to marry, ever. Or to marry someone white. Or perhaps Jewish. Or Catholic. Or left-handed, for that matter.<\/p>\n

Regardless of how they fill in that blank, this is probably a date from which you’re already hatching the quickest possible escape plan. After all, who is this joker? It’s one date! The first date no less. <\/p>\n

Or is stating your intentions so blatantly the right thing to do?  I know a surprising number of people who have very set and defined ideas of who they want to eventually end up with, and the possibility that they just might fall in love with the “wrong” person matters not at all. But that doesn’t mean they stop dating people they deem, for whatever reason, unsuitable.  So do they owe that person the details of their master plan from date #1?<\/b><\/p>\n


\nI don’t know. On the one hand, it seems a little crazy. Imagine a
\nscenario like the one above – that’s just strange<\/i>. In this day and age
\nit’s simply not done to be so upfront about your motives and plans. You
\nhave to play the game, talk the talk, be coy…or the other person thinks
\nyou’re nuts.<\/p>\n

But what’s so wrong (and isn’t it actually right?) with being open and
\nhonest –letting the other person know your intentions, and allowing
\nthem<\/i> to decide if they want to continue seeing you, even knowing that
\nthe precious time they’re using on you is leading nowhere. Dating has
\nbecome more and more casual, but I still would say the number one
\nincentive to date is to find a potential
\npartner<\/a>. Is it ethical
\nto date someone when you have no intention of ever becoming serious?<\/b><\/p>\n

As a first-generation Indian daughter, the whole concept of dating is
\nnew to my family. Trust me, it was a big deal to get started. By my
\nrecollection, I started prepping my parents for my eventual foray into
\nthe world of dating when I was 12. It was completely against the Indian
\nculture, but I didn’t care. I had been born into the Western culture,
\nand by God, I wanted to take part in it. <\/p>\n

By the time I was in college, my parents had become accustomed to the
\nidea. However, even now, with an adult daughter still testing the
\nwaters, my mom has the bad habit of asking after the intentions of every man
\nI date. Sometimes she manages to wait until the 3rd date before
\nquizzing me about his salary, job prospects and family history. Oh, and
\nif he’s ok marrying someone Indian and Hindu.  <\/p>\n

Though I’ve finally broken her of this habit (I think?), and convinced
\nher that not every single date or series of dates must result in
\nmarriage, I do get where she’s coming from. In her world, marriages are
\nan intricate arrangement of matching personalities, families and yes,
\ncareers.  Dating is a type of micro-matching.  And if I followed her
\ncustoms, then sure, I’d want to know what’s what upfront. Let me add,
\nmy mom is a fair woman – she’s equally concerned that the guy I’m
\ndating knows that I may not be interested in him in the long run.<\/p>\n

For my part, I don’t really worry about telling people my intentions
\n(or lack thereof) from the beginning. I’ve always been open to the idea
\nof dating someone different than myself, Indian or not.  I’m open to
\nchanging my mind, as long as my heart follows. I put a great deal of
\nweight in the importance of the heart – well over differences in
\nreligion<\/a>, culture and whatever else might be at conflict. <\/p>\n

However, I
\nunderstand that for many people, these differences are not negotiable.
\n(Sidenote: my opinion is that usually men find these differences
\nnon-negotiable, rather than women. Is that just my biased female-self
\ntalking?)<\/b> And if that’s the case, I want to hear them tell me pretty
\ndarn quickly if I have no place in their future. Sure, it’d be a strange
\nconversation, and I’d probably have a hilarious<\/i> time with
\nmy girlfriends in the re-telling, but I’d appreciate the respect – and
\nthe warning.<\/p>\n


\nHow about you? Is that what you want to hear on a first, second or third date?<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You’re on a first date, gazing into the eyes of the perfectly lovely (or handsome) person across from you, when they casually mention that they don’t have plans to marry, ever. Or to marry someone white. Or perhaps Jewish. Or Catholic. Or left-handed, for that matter. Regardless of how they fill in that blank, this…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":198,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,18,4,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-by-padmini-mangunta","category-ethics-religious","category-personal-ethics","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Rules: How to Date Honestly (Or Too Honestly) - Everyday Ethics<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/2009\/05\/the-rules-how-to-date-honestly-or-too-honestly.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Rules: How to Date Honestly (Or Too Honestly) - Everyday Ethics\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"You’re on a first date, gazing into the eyes of the perfectly lovely (or handsome) person across from you, when they casually mention that they don’t have plans to marry, ever. 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In addition to writing for a various print and online publications, such as Parenting Magazine and iVillage, she was the Website Manager for the Henry Street Settlement, a social services and arts organization serving Manhattan's Lower East Side. Most recently, she worked on the Thai-Myanmar border as a writer for the Burma Human Rights Yearbook. Her curiosity about human nature, coupled with duel streaks of idealism and Midwestern pragmatism, developed into an ongoing discussion with friends, family and strangers on ethical quandaries. When she's not asking \"Why?\" you might have trouble finding her, as her hobbies include nosing around used bookstores, exploring the world (near and far), meeting new people and occasionally twiddling her thumbs while daydreaming.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/author\/pmangunta"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/198"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/everydayethics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}