{"id":8140,"date":"2016-05-11T07:00:07","date_gmt":"2016-05-11T11:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=8140"},"modified":"2016-05-05T07:05:52","modified_gmt":"2016-05-05T11:05:52","slug":"why-emotional-cut-off-doesnt-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/05\/why-emotional-cut-off-doesnt-work.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Emotional Cut Off Doesn’t Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"upset\"<\/a>Jill was fed up with\u00a0her mom. Her solution? Cut off the relationship so she could be her own person.<\/p>\n

I can’t tell you the number of times\u00a0I’ve heard, “I don’t want to talk to my family (substitute anyone else here). They are toxic and impossible to deal with–it’s better if I just leave and have little contact.” But is it?<\/p>\n

The problem with this strategy is that it doesn’t work! In Jill’s case, she thought cutting off her relationship with her mom was a sign of independence. But cut off doesn’t teach her how to resolve issues. It only keeps her distant from her mom. And being distant is not independence. It is running away with your emotional baggage.<\/p>\n

Emotional cut off is a learned pattern that follows you into other relationships. When problems erupt, avoiding or cutting off the relationship results in distance\u00a0over and over again.<\/p>\n

Cut off is an extreme<\/em> reaction to the problem of balancing the emotional and intellectual self. It doesn’t teach you to talk, resolve conflicts, control your emotions or extend grace- skills you need to practice for healthy relationships.<\/p>\n

Your ability to function as a separate person but still have an \u00a0emotional attachment with your original family sets the stage for all your other intimate relationships. If you cut off your family, you don’t develop the healthy separation you need in adult life. Healthy separation comes while\u00a0maintaining connection.<\/p>\n

So\u00a0try to work through\u00a0problems with your original family. When you do, you practice\u00a0vital relationships skills (e.g., boundaries, assertiveness, etc.). The more you do the hard work of relationships, the better you will be as a spouse, parent or even friend.<\/p>\n

Cut off may make you feel better in the moment, but doesn’t work as a strategy to build healthy relationships. You grow when you work within a relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jill was fed up with\u00a0her mom. Her solution? Cut off the relationship so she could be her own person. I can’t tell you the number of times\u00a0I’ve heard, “I don’t want to talk to my family (substitute anyone else here). They are toxic and impossible to deal with–it’s better if I just leave and have…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[503,3515,644,3317,53],"class_list":["post-8140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-conflict","tag-cut-off","tag-family-relationships","tag-independence","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Emotional Cut Off Doesn't Work<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/05\/why-emotional-cut-off-doesnt-work.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Emotional Cut Off Doesn't Work\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Jill was fed up with\u00a0her mom. Her solution? Cut off the relationship so she could be her own person. I can’t tell you the number of times\u00a0I’ve heard, “I don’t want to talk to my family (substitute anyone else here). They are toxic and impossible to deal with–it’s better if I just leave and have…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/05\/why-emotional-cut-off-doesnt-work.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-05-11T11:00:07+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-05-05T11:05:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/11\/upset1-212x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Why Emotional Cut Off Doesn't Work","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/05\/why-emotional-cut-off-doesnt-work.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Why Emotional Cut Off Doesn't Work","og_description":"Jill was fed up with\u00a0her mom. 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