{"id":797,"date":"2011-12-02T07:50:47","date_gmt":"2011-12-02T12:50:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/doinglifetogether\/?p=797"},"modified":"2012-03-03T11:39:14","modified_gmt":"2012-03-03T16:39:14","slug":"the-secret-to-couple-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2011\/12\/the-secret-to-couple-conflict.html","title":{"rendered":"How Happy Couples Deal With Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>How many times have you heard a couple say they need to work on resolving conflict? Well, it may surprise you to know that conflict resolution is not the solution to happy marriages.<\/p>\n<p>My parents were married 67 years when my mom died. They grappled with the same conflict issues for most of those years. According to researcher John Gottman, this is normal in stable couples.\u00a0 Gottman found that 69% of couple conflict is perpetual. This means that while having conflict is normal, the bulk of it remains unresolved.<\/p>\n<p>However, well functioning relationships develop a specific kind of dialogue around these problems. Even though conflict is on-going, successful couples discuss conflict without escalating to negative patterns like blame, defensiveness, cut off, etc. They use humor, affection and some irritability, but the conversation does not escalate to a negative place.<\/p>\n<p>Thus, the secret to dealing with conflict is not to avoid or necessarily resolve it. The secret is to keep from escalating that conflict to a negative place. Successful couples choose relationships with a set of perpetual problems that they learn to live with them, being respectful and positive as the dialogue over those problems unfolds. Staying positive is the key.<\/p>\n<p>So the next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, examine your dialogue around that conflict. Are you critical, feeling contempt, being defensive or even putting up a wall? If so, the relationship is going the wrong direction. But if you keep your affection, use humor and stay positive, the relationship is going to do well.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>If you like this blog, you may like:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/doinglifetogether\/2011\/11\/could-kardashian-marital-trouble-been-predicted.html\" target=\"_blank\">Could Kardashian Marital Trouble Been Predicted? <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&nbsp; How many times have you heard a couple say they need to work on resolving conflict? Well, it may surprise you to know that conflict resolution is not the solution to happy marriages. My parents were married 67 years when my mom died. They grappled with the same conflict issues for most of those&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[503,542,545,128,543,544,125,53],"class_list":["post-797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-conflict","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-couple-therapy","tag-couples","tag-fiighting","tag-marital-therapy","tag-marriage","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How Happy Couples Deal With Conflict<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2011\/12\/the-secret-to-couple-conflict.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How Happy Couples Deal With Conflict\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"&nbsp; How many times have you heard a couple say they need to work on resolving conflict? Well, it may surprise you to know that conflict resolution is not the solution to happy marriages. My parents were married 67 years when my mom died. 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Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. 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