{"id":7922,"date":"2016-02-12T07:00:19","date_gmt":"2016-02-12T12:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=7922"},"modified":"2016-02-06T13:33:35","modified_gmt":"2016-02-06T18:33:35","slug":"is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html","title":{"rendered":"Is Avoiding Conflict a Bad Idea?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/12\/conflict-2.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-5692\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2013\/12\/conflict-2-300x218.jpg\" alt=\"conflict 2\" width=\"300\" height=\"218\" \/><\/a>Mary and Bill are arguing again. Mary hates how she feels when conflict happens. She wants to retreat, run or hide, or simply \u00a0avoid. Too often, she chooses to avoid, but is this a good idea?<\/p>\n<p>For the most part, NO, at least when we are talking interpersonal relationships that are trying to grow in intimacy. Sure, there may be times when you don&#8217;t want to take on a boss, or speak up to a difficult person who refuses to deal with you on any rational terms. And certainly, you don&#8217;t want to push conflict with someone who could physical hurt you, or with whom you have safety concerns.<\/p>\n<p>But in our everyday relationships with our significant others, conflict avoidance isn&#8217;t the best strategy for several reasons. Psychological research backs this up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Conflict avoidance \u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>initially reduces stress. This is true. The sense of relief we feel when we avoid is immediate. The problem is that we\u00a0don&#8217;t feel better the next day. The tension mounts, the conflict is still the elephant in the room and nothing has been solved. Like so many things, avoiding doesn&#8217;t make the problem go away. It just delays.<\/li>\n<li>can result in physical symptoms and negative well-being. Yes, we pay a price\u00a0holding on to stress. In fact, researchers at the University of Michigan found that people who deal with conflict live longer. Suppressed anger undoes your health. So if you want to live longer, don&#8217;t avoid!<\/li>\n<li>can create irritability if it simmers below the surface, especially if we\u00a0disengage or feel powerless to act. The danger here is that eventually we\u00a0may explode. A simmering pot eventually boils!<\/li>\n<li>doesn&#8217;t teach us\u00a0how to solve problems and cope with disagreement or problems. When we\u00a0avoid, we\u00a0bring that pattern into other relationships in which we\u00a0need good conflict skills. Not rocking the boat doesn&#8217;t help the boat move forward.We don&#8217;t practice and learn to deal with other people who disagree.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So if you are like Mary and want to avoid conflict, consider the cost. Work on your conflict skills despite the discomfort. Not only will your relationships improve, but your physical health will as well.<\/p>\n<p>For more help with how to do this, <a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/We-Need-Talk-Successfully-Navigate-ebook\/dp\/B00MBTY84M\/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1454783045&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=we+need+to+talk\" target=\"_blank\">We Need To Talk,<\/a> by Dr. Linda Mintle<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Mary and Bill are arguing again. Mary hates how she feels when conflict happens. She wants to retreat, run or hide, or simply \u00a0avoid. Too often, she chooses to avoid, but is this a good idea? For the most part, NO, at least when we are talking interpersonal relationships that are trying to grow in&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[3470,503,920,644,2653],"class_list":["post-7922","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-avoidance","tag-conflict","tag-couple-relationships-2","tag-family-relationships","tag-relationship-conflict"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Is Avoiding Conflict a Bad Idea?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Is Avoiding Conflict a Bad Idea?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Mary and Bill are arguing again. Mary hates how she feels when conflict happens. She wants to retreat, run or hide, or simply \u00a0avoid. Too often, she chooses to avoid, but is this a good idea? 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Mary hates how she feels when conflict happens. She wants to retreat, run or hide, or simply \u00a0avoid. Too often, she chooses to avoid, but is this a good idea? For the most part, NO, at least when we are talking interpersonal relationships that are trying to grow in&hellip;","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html","og_site_name":"Doing Life Together","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","article_published_time":"2016-02-12T12:00:19+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-02-06T18:33:35+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/12\/conflict-2-300x218.jpg"}],"author":"Linda Mintle","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@drlindamintle","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html","name":"Is Avoiding Conflict a Bad Idea?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/12\/conflict-2-300x218.jpg","datePublished":"2016-02-12T12:00:19+00:00","dateModified":"2016-02-06T18:33:35+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/12\/conflict-2-300x218.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2013\/12\/conflict-2-300x218.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2016\/02\/is-avoiding-conflict-a-bad-idea.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Is Avoiding Conflict a Bad Idea?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/","name":"Doing Life Together","description":"Relationship Doctor, Mental Health, Emotional Wellness, Relationship Advice &amp; Entertainment","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142","name":"Linda Mintle","description":"It is rare that a trained academic who speaks passionately to the heart of people providing real answers to real life problems is so relatable. Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. Check out her latest book Hope and Healing for Anxiety, a whole-person approach to eliminate anxiety. .","sameAs":["https:\/\/drlindamintle.com\/","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/x.com\/drlindamintle"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/author\/lmintle"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7922","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/419"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7922"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7922\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7926,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7922\/revisions\/7926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7922"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7922"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7922"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}