{"id":7081,"date":"2015-04-22T06:00:25","date_gmt":"2015-04-22T10:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=7081"},"modified":"2015-04-07T09:50:38","modified_gmt":"2015-04-07T13:50:38","slug":"5-important-points-when-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2015\/04\/5-important-points-when-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-person.html","title":{"rendered":"5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2012\/12\/couple-conflict.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-3812 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2012\/12\/couple-conflict-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"couple conflict\" width=\"199\" height=\"300\" \/><\/a>We all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle.<\/p>\n<p>Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Choose your battles.<\/em> Since most high-conflict people love the battle, minimize your contact with that person when you can. When you do engage, resist the urge to defend yourself, which only ends in more conflict.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Set a structure for conflict discussion and talk about expectations. <\/em>Establish rules for fair fighting, such as no yelling, name-calling, interrupting, etc. It may help to meet in a public place to keep emotions in check.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Try to stay calm.<\/em> When the emotion intensifies, say something like, \u201cWe can revisit this when we are both calmer.\u201d The person in the conflict can own part of the problem, rather than singling out the high-conflict person for being so unreasonable. Remember that if the mood is intensifying, you want to calm down the situation. Don\u2019t match the intensity or it will become a contest.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Relate to the person around tasks that need to be done or possible solutions rather than reacting to their emotions.<\/em> Emotions distract from the issue at hand, so keep the issue front and center. Focus only on behavior. Think like a detective: \u201cJust the facts.\u201d Trying to work through emotions usually leads to more blame.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Assess your safety.<\/em> If there are dangerous behaviors like domestic violence or behaviors that could be fatal to the relationship, for example, serial infidelity or out-of-control spending, then you need to make sure you are safe and controls are in place. Other than that, the goal with high-conflict people is to reduce conflict.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Patience is needed with high conflict people. Change is often slow but can happen with\u00a0commitment to the process and desire to work on the relationship. The person has to\u00a0experience calmer approaches and see that working through issues can be done and\u00a0accomplishes more than acting in extreme ways.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Adapted from <a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/We-Need-Talk-Successfully-Navigate\/dp\/0801016762\/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1428414200&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=we+need+to+talk\" target=\"_blank\"><strong><em>We Need to Talk<\/em><\/strong><\/a> by Linda Mintle, Ph.D. (Baker Books, 2015).<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle. Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person. Choose your battles. Since most high-conflict people love the battle, minimize your contact with that person when you can. When&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[503,1054,1103,644,3252,3251],"class_list":["post-7081","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-conflict","tag-couple-conflict","tag-difficult-people","tag-family-relationships","tag-high-conflict","tag-personality-disorder"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2015\/04\/5-important-points-when-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-person.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle. Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person. Choose your battles. Since most high-conflict people love the battle, minimize your contact with that person when you can. When&hellip;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2015\/04\/5-important-points-when-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-person.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-04-22T10:00:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-04-07T13:50:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2012\/12\/couple-conflict-199x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2015\/04\/5-important-points-when-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-person.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person","og_description":"We all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle. Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person. Choose your battles. Since most high-conflict people love the battle, minimize your contact with that person when you can. 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Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. 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