{"id":6582,"date":"2014-09-30T06:00:02","date_gmt":"2014-09-30T10:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=6582"},"modified":"2014-09-29T20:12:13","modified_gmt":"2014-09-30T00:12:13","slug":"fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html","title":{"rendered":"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ID-10035004\"<\/a>When John dated Katie, he was attracted to how book smart she was and how much she loved to learn new things. He is the first to tell you, he’s not cut out for academics and loves to play instead of learn. As someone who needed to play more, Katie was attracted to John’s outgoing and fun personality. Now, however, she finds him shallow and longs for deeper conversation. What was once attractive to Katie, now bothers her.<\/p>\n

Researchers call this type of shift in the relationship a “fatal attraction”. \u00a0The very thing that drew you to that person becomes\u00a0unattractive. Yes, it was attractive at first, but now is a problem in the relationship. Dr. Felmlee at Penn State University coined the phrase “fatal attraction” about two decades ago.\u00a0She was interested in studying both the positive and negative side of traits that attract couples. She classified these traits in 3 categories: 1) Traits\u00a0that were fun but now seem foolish 2) Traits\u00a0that seemed fun, but now feel dominating 3) Traits\u00a0that seemed spontaneous, but now feel unpredictable. The idea here is that what may have seemed positive on the front end of a relationship can become negative over the long haul.<\/p>\n

And Dr. Felmlee has found that the shift from loving to fatal attraction can happen as fast as 6 months with some couples.<\/p>\n

She explains possible reasons for this:<\/p>\n

1) Couples don’t see the dark side of a trait until they are together long enough. This is why I tell people to date for a long enough period of time to see how the person reacts and acts under a number of circumstances. Negative traits can be easily masked or missed when initial attraction hits. The opposite attraction can feel like it is completing you but in the long run, may prove to be difficult to live with in a relationship.<\/p>\n

2) When a relationship becomes overly negative, one partner begins to see even positive traits in a negative way. This idea has been confirmed by the research of John Gottman and colleagues. When there is more negative to positive in a relationship, the relationships is perceived to be overall negative. Then, the partner discounts positives in favor of the negative view.<\/p>\n

3) Sometimes we are attracted to a negative, but opposite qualities we found\u00a0tantalizing eventually \u00a0bother us-think good girls attracted to bad boys! They may be intriguing to date but terrible to marry.<\/p>\n

4) The positive trait can become overwhelming. Think too much of a good thing, like an accommodator who is constantly trying to please you. An overly attentive\u00a0person can become suffocating.<\/p>\n

5) The opposite attraction takes its toll. You’ve had enough and want someone more compatible.<\/p>\n

Bottom line, if you want to avoid a\u00a0fatal attraction, think about the long-term effect of living with someone who has compatibility issues. Differences do attract but when it comes to values, beliefs and attitudes, we do better with similarity.<\/p>\n

Second, if your annoyance level is going up, talk about it now. Don’t let the negativity build. See if you can negotiate a middle ground for\u00a0some of your differences. This is called accommodation and \u00a0is a useful\u00a0trait in relationships.<\/p>\n

Third, build\u00a0the positivity bank of your relationship\u00a0when you are not in a conflict or dealing with a difference. The more positive a relationship is overall, the better you can handle differences.<\/p>\n

Finally,\u00a0discuss ways to bring the “I” to the “we” that allow you to be you, but is also considerate of the other person.\u00a0In other words, modify. For example, someone who wants to be on the go constantly, can agree to stay home a few nights a week. A little self-sacrifice is beneficial to your coupling. Being in a relationship means you don’t always do what you want to do. Sometimes, you modify your behavior because you care about the other person.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When John dated Katie, he was attracted to how book smart she was and how much she loved to learn new things. He is the first to tell you, he’s not cut out for academics and loves to play instead of learn. As someone who needed to play more, Katie was attracted to John’s outgoing…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[969,3053,920,1887,3054],"class_list":["post-6582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-attraction","tag-conflict-relationship-differences-opposite-attractions","tag-couple-relationships-2","tag-differences","tag-fatal-attractions"],"yoast_head":"\nFatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When John dated Katie, he was attracted to how book smart she was and how much she loved to learn new things. He is the first to tell you, he’s not cut out for academics and loves to play instead of learn. As someone who needed to play more, Katie was attracted to John’s outgoing…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-09-30T10:00:02+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-09-30T00:12:13+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2014\/09\/ID-10035004-300x206.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You","og_description":"When John dated Katie, he was attracted to how book smart she was and how much she loved to learn new things. He is the first to tell you, he’s not cut out for academics and loves to play instead of learn. As someone who needed to play more, Katie was attracted to John’s outgoing…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html","og_site_name":"Doing Life Together","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","article_published_time":"2014-09-30T10:00:02+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-09-30T00:12:13+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2014\/09\/ID-10035004-300x206.jpg"}],"author":"Linda Mintle","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@drlindamintle","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html","name":"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2014\/09\/ID-10035004-300x206.jpg","datePublished":"2014-09-30T10:00:02+00:00","dateModified":"2014-09-30T00:12:13+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2014\/09\/ID-10035004-300x206.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2014\/09\/ID-10035004-300x206.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2014\/09\/fatal-attraction-what-you-found-attractive-may-now-bother-you.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Fatal Attraction: What You Found Attractive May Now Bother You"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/","name":"Doing Life Together","description":"Relationship Doctor, Mental Health, Emotional Wellness, Relationship Advice & Entertainment","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142","name":"Linda Mintle","description":"It is rare that a trained academic who speaks passionately to the heart of people providing real answers to real life problems is so relatable. Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. Check out her latest book Hope and Healing for Anxiety, a whole-person approach to eliminate anxiety. .","sameAs":["https:\/\/drlindamintle.com\/","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/x.com\/drlindamintle"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/author\/lmintle"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/419"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6582"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6582\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6604,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6582\/revisions\/6604"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}