{"id":27140,"date":"2026-09-22T08:00:23","date_gmt":"2026-09-22T12:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=27140"},"modified":"2026-09-13T14:48:02","modified_gmt":"2026-09-13T18:48:02","slug":"family-estrangement-when-cutting-off-replaces-working-it-out","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2026\/09\/family-estrangement-when-cutting-off-replaces-working-it-out.html","title":{"rendered":"Family Estrangement: When Cutting Off Replaces Working It Out"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

We hear about it all the time. Family members who no longer speak because of political or ideological differences. Parents and adult children who have cut off contact. Siblings who once shared holidays, milestones, and family memories but now live as strangers. Views and opinions become dividing lines, conflict goes unresolved, and eventually the relationship itself is lost.<\/span><\/p>\n

Family estrangement isn\u2019t new, but it is increasingly common. Estrangement is one way of managing unresolved emotional intensity in a relationship by creating physical or emotional distance rather than resolving the underlying conflict. Sometimes that distance is necessary, particularly when safety is a concern. But in many cases, estrangement becomes a costly coping mechanism. It may reduce immediate conflict, but it does not necessarily resolve the hurt beneath it. Instead, it can create new layers of loss, grief, and pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

Studies tell us that adult children are about twice as likely as parents to be the ones who initiate a cutoff in contact, while parents tend to be more willing to reconcile.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are many precipitating factors, often involving an event tied to a specific action taken by a relative. About a third of people point to toxic family dynamics as the cause of their estrangement, with emotional and physical abuse, harsh parenting styles, and favoritism toward siblings among the most common reasons. Divorce and an adult child\u2019s marriage, including the influence of in-laws, can also contribute to estrangement.<\/span><\/p>\n

Value or political differences, financial conflicts involving money, business, or inheritance, mismatched expectations about family roles and obligations, mental health issues, or even a family member\u2019s experience in therapy can become catalysts as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

Furthermore, parents and adult children often explain the same estrangement very differently. Adult children are more likely to cite emotional abuse and irreconcilable differences in values. Parents, on the other hand, may point to their own divorce, the child\u2019s spouse, or the influence of the child\u2019s therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n

The cultural climate also influences family estrangement and has made it less stigmatized. Rising individualism, a stronger cultural emphasis on personal well-being over family obligation, social media messages that encourage going \u201cno contact,\u201d and a \u201ctherapy culture\u201d that has given people both the vocabulary and permission to identify family relationships as harmful can all push people toward cutting off contact.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, there are situations in which distance is necessary. In cases of serious abuse, addiction, ongoing harm, or threats to safety, reconciliation may not be the immediate or even appropriate goal. Instead, radical acceptance may be needed, along with healthy boundaries and the ongoing work of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require placing yourself back into an unsafe relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

But when reconciliation is possible, I believe it should be the goal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Reconciliation begins by moving away from the question of who is right and who is wrong. Instead, it requires going to the people involved and being willing to make the first move, regardless of who started the problem. Try to understand what led to the rupture rather than simply assigning blame. Empathy can go a long way toward lowering defensiveness and opening the door to repair.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, be willing to apologize. Look honestly at your own contribution to the problem and take responsibility for it. Apologize for the impact of your behavior, not simply your intent. For example, \u201cI am sorry I hurt you, even though I didn\u2019t realize I was doing that at the time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And resist the temptation to follow your apology with a long explanation or counterargument. Too much explaining can quickly undo an apology. You may never completely agree on what happened or whose version of events is correct. You don\u2019t have to agree on every fact to begin building a workable relationship going forward.<\/span><\/p>\n

Reconciliation may also require scaling down your expectations and becoming more realistic about what the relationship can look like. Repair does not mean everything immediately returns to the way it once was. Respect boundaries the other person sets, including boundaries that allow them to control the pace of renewed contact. Trust often has to be rebuilt slowly.<\/span><\/p>\n

And if the person will not meet with you, consider sending a written letter of amends. Let them know you are sorry, acknowledge your part in the rupture, and make it clear that you are not asking for anything in return. A sincere letter can leave the door open without demanding that the other person walk through it immediately.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do what you can to make a genuine repair. Scripture repeatedly calls us toward reconciliation and peace with one another. \u201cIf it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone\u201d (Romans 12:18). Notice the wisdom in those words:\u00a0<\/span>if it is possible<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>and\u00a0<\/span>as far as it depends on you.<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>You cannot force another person to reconcile, but you can make sure bitterness, pride, or the need to be right are not keeping you from doing your part.<\/span><\/p>\n

And be careful about surrounding yourself with voices that automatically encourage continued estrangement when safe and healthy reconciliation is possible. Not every difficult relationship is a toxic relationship, and not every conflict requires permanent cutoff. Sometimes relationships need boundaries. Sometimes they need distance. But sometimes they need humility, forgiveness, an apology, and someone courageous enough to make the first move.<\/span><\/p>\n

In my work with families, I try whenever possible to move people toward healthy reconciliation. It is biblical, it promotes peace, and it offers something estrangement cannot: the possibility of healing what has been broken.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We hear about it all the time. Family members who no longer speak because of political or ideological differences. Parents and adult children who have cut off contact. Siblings who once shared holidays, milestones, and family memories but now live as strangers. Views and opinions become dividing lines, conflict goes unresolved, and eventually the relationship…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[10109,678,9518,3654,2647,3675,201],"class_list":["post-27140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-estrangement","tag-family-conflict","tag-family-cut-off","tag-family-differences","tag-family-problems","tag-family-reconciliation","tag-forgiveness"],"yoast_head":"\nFamily Estrangement: When Cutting Off Replaces Working It Out<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Family estrangement isn\u2019t new, but it is increasingly common. 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