{"id":26521,"date":"2026-03-19T08:00:52","date_gmt":"2026-03-19T12:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=26521"},"modified":"2026-03-15T09:29:16","modified_gmt":"2026-03-15T13:29:16","slug":"i-married-you-but-your-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2026\/03\/i-married-you-but-your-family.html","title":{"rendered":"I Married You, But Your Family?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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It\u2019s a frustration many married couples experience -how to deal with the complicated issues that arise with extended family. Yet when we marry, we inevitably inherit part of our partner\u2019s family system. Pretending otherwise is not a strategy. Whether we acknowledge it or not, our families shape who we are. Parts of that family live on in the behaviors, expectations, and emotional responses we bring into our marriages.<\/p>\n

So how should couples approach the challenges that arise from family influences?<\/p>\n

Consider Joy and Scott.<\/p>\n

In the middle of an argument, Scott snapped, \u201cLook Joy, I married you, not your family. Stop acting like your mom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Scott was angry, but his reaction was more hurtful than helpful. The truth is that when Scott married Joy, he also married someone shaped by her family experiences, just as Joy married someone shaped by his. Both partners brought family \u201cbaggage\u201d into the relationship, yet they had never talked openly about their families before getting married.<\/p>\n

Many people wonder why that conversation matters. After all, once you\u2019re married and living independently, shouldn\u2019t your family of origin have less influence?<\/p>\n

Research in couples therapy consistently shows that our families of origin play a powerful role in shaping how we relate to our partners. Early family experiences influence how we handle conflict, express emotions, manage stress, and even how comfortable we are with intimacy. When couples ignore these influences, they often repeat patterns they learned growing up, often without realizing it.<\/p>\n

In many ways, you really do marry the family.<\/p>\n

Recognizing Generational Patterns<\/strong><\/p>\n

The good news is that family influence does not determine your future. Awareness creates choice.<\/p>\n

Many patterns in relationships are learned and rehearsed over generations. These patterns may involve how anger is expressed, how affection is shown, how problems are avoided, or how disagreements escalate. Because they are familiar, people often repeat them automatically even when they are unhealthy. Why? Because they are familiar.<\/p>\n

But once you become aware of a pattern, you can decide whether you want to continue it.<\/p>\n

For example, Scott realized that whenever he felt angry with Joy, he often escaped by drinking a beer. This behavior mirrored something he had frequently seen growing up: when his father was upset with his mother, he withdrew and drank.<\/p>\n

Scott didn\u2019t believe this was a healthy way to deal with anger. He saw how drinking damaged his parents\u2019 relationship. Yet he still found himself reaching for a beer whenever conflict arose with Joy.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s how powerful learned patterns can be.<\/p>\n

Changing the Pattern<\/strong><\/p>\n

Once couples identify an unhealthy pattern, they can intentionally replace it with a healthier one.<\/p>\n

Instead of withdrawing and drinking, Scott might practice a different response when he feels angry:<\/p>\n