{"id":25481,"date":"2025-07-10T08:00:25","date_gmt":"2025-07-10T12:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25481"},"modified":"2025-07-04T09:15:13","modified_gmt":"2025-07-04T13:15:13","slug":"when-love-turns-toxic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2025\/07\/when-love-turns-toxic.html","title":{"rendered":"When Love Turns Toxic"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-7315443_1280.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-25484\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-7315443_1280.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1280\" height=\"854\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Sharon and Rich have been dating for a year, but the relationship has grown increasingly toxic. Every disagreement follows a predictable and painful pattern\u2014Rich feels threatened, lashes out with accusations, and then flips the script to make himself the victim.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"407\" data-end=\"735\">At a recent party, Rich accused Sharon of flirting with another man. When she calmly explained he was overreacting, he escalated\u2014accusing her of disloyalty, lack of love, and interest in other men. The fight dragged on for hours. When Sharon finally gave up trying to defend herself, Rich declared her silence as proof of guilt.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"737\" data-end=\"1029\">What Sharon is experiencing mirrors what research identifies as\u00a0narcissistic abuse<strong>.<\/strong> Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as described in the\u00a0<em data-start=\"886\" data-end=\"896\">DSM-5-TR<\/em>, includes traits such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and an intense need to be admired and \u201cright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1031\" data-end=\"1066\">Rich exhibits many of these traits:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li data-start=\"1069\" data-end=\"1115\"><strong data-start=\"1069\" data-end=\"1093\">Emotional reactivity <\/strong>when feeling insecure<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"1118\" data-end=\"1190\"><strong data-start=\"1118\" data-end=\"1152\">Blame-shifting and gaslighting <\/strong>(&#8220;Your silence proves you\u2019re guilty&#8221;)<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"1193\" data-end=\"1240\"><strong data-start=\"1193\" data-end=\"1209\">Verbal abuse <\/strong>followed by<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>victim-playing<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"1243\" data-end=\"1291\"><strong data-start=\"1243\" data-end=\"1273\">Lack of remorse or insight <\/strong>into his behavior<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p data-start=\"1293\" data-end=\"1549\">According to Dr. John Gottman\u2019s research, once a person\u2019s heart rate rises above their normal baseline during conflict, logical thinking and empathy decline. In narcissistic individuals, this often results in rage, projection, and a refusal to de-escalate.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1551\" data-end=\"1747\">Unfortunately, arguing with someone like Rich rarely works. He does not seek resolution\u2014he seeks control. Sharon is left feeling confused, exhausted, and guilty, even though she did nothing wrong.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1749\" data-end=\"2045\">Studies show that narcissistic abuse can erode a partner\u2019s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and even trauma symptoms. Partners often become trapped in\u00a0trauma bonds\u2014an emotional attachment formed through intermittent reinforcement, where love and cruelty are unpredictably mixed.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2047\" data-end=\"2393\">Can someone like Rich change?\u00a0<strong data-start=\"2077\" data-end=\"2115\">Possibly\u2014but only if they want to.<\/strong>\u00a0Treatment such as schema therapy has shown some promise for individuals with NPD traits, but success is rare without deep self-awareness and consistent commitment to change. Sharon knows Rich refuses to seek help, and continuing the relationship means repeating the same cycle.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2395\" data-end=\"2456\">So she makes the difficult but healthy decision to walk away.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2458\" data-end=\"2548\">If you find yourself in a relationship like Sharon\u2019s, consider these evidence-based steps:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li data-start=\"2551\" data-end=\"2609\"><strong data-start=\"2551\" data-end=\"2574\">Set firm boundaries <\/strong>and leave situations that escalate<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"2612\" data-end=\"2695\"><strong data-start=\"2612\" data-end=\"2640\">Don\u2019t engage emotionally <\/strong>with manipulative accusations (the \u201cgrey rock\u201d method)<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"2698\" data-end=\"2761\"><strong data-start=\"2698\" data-end=\"2728\">Seek individual counseling <\/strong>with a trauma-informed therapist<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"2764\" data-end=\"2806\"><strong data-start=\"2764\" data-end=\"2806\">Build support outside the relationship<\/strong><\/li>\n<li data-start=\"2809\" data-end=\"2842\"><strong data-start=\"2809\" data-end=\"2832\">Create an exit plan <\/strong>if needed<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p data-start=\"2844\" data-end=\"3094\">Sharon\u2019s story is a powerful reminder: you are not responsible for someone else\u2019s emotional regulation. If your relationship leaves you feeling chronically anxious, diminished, or unsure of reality, it may be time to step away\u2014and reclaim your peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sharon and Rich have been dating for a year, but the relationship has grown increasingly toxic. Every disagreement follows a predictable and painful pattern\u2014Rich feels threatened, lashes out with accusations, and then flips the script to make himself the victim. At a recent party, Rich accused Sharon of flirting with another man. When she calmly&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[5115,4403,3623,3466,2321,4348,6338,9059],"class_list":["post-25481","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-blame-shifting","tag-blaming","tag-gaslighting","tag-narcissist","tag-narcissistic","tag-narcissistic-personality-disorder","tag-relationship-with-a-narcissist","tag-toxic-love"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>When Love Turns Toxic<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If your relationship leaves you feeling chronically anxious, diminished, or unsure of reality, it may be toxic love.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. 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