{"id":25466,"date":"2025-07-08T08:00:05","date_gmt":"2025-07-08T12:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466"},"modified":"2025-07-04T08:56:23","modified_gmt":"2025-07-04T12:56:23","slug":"how-to-exercise-self-control-during-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2025\/07\/how-to-exercise-self-control-during-conflict.html","title":{"rendered":"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Bill and Ann are locked in a cycle. One holds tightly to past hurts, while the other plans their next escape\u2014emotionally or verbally. In the heat of conflict, neither stops to ask,\u00a0\u201cIs this response righteous?\u201d<\/em>\u00a0Or,\u00a0\u201cDoes this reflect Christ in me?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s be honest: complaining, criticizing, or making demands are not fruits of the Spirit. And avoiding emotional connection isn\u2019t God\u2019s model for a thriving marriage either.<\/p>\n

Scripture calls us to\u00a0guard our tongues. Harsh words and emotional withdrawal don\u2019t foster love, unity, or healing. When we fail to address issues with truth and grace, we allow emotional distance and resentment to grow.<\/p>\n

So how do couples begin to reverse this pattern\u2014especially when divorce feels like the only option?<\/p>\n

Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, offers a practical strategy. He teaches that couples must learn\u00a0self-soothing skills\u2014techniques that allow each person to calm down before trying to resolve conflict.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how it works:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Monitor your physical response.<\/strong>\u00a0If your heart rate jumps more than 10 beats per minute above your baseline during an argument, it\u2019s time to pause. You\u2019re no longer able to process logically or listen effectively.<\/p>\n

Take a break\u2014at least 20 minutes.<\/strong>\u00a0Do something calming: go for a walk, pray, listen to peaceful music, or breathe deeply. But\u00a0do not<\/em>\u00a0use this time to rehearse your partner\u2019s faults.<\/p>\n

Shift your thoughts.<\/strong>\u00a0Replace negative assumptions with generous ones:
\u201cHe\u2019s upset, but he still loves me.\u201d<\/em>
\u201cShe didn\u2019t mean to hurt me\u2014she\u2019s overwhelmed.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Return with calm and compassion.<\/strong>\u00a0Once both partners have calmed down, you can listen better, speak kindlier, and validate each other\u2019s emotions.<\/p>\n

Add affection.<\/strong>\u00a0As you grow in this skill, sprinkle your conversations with love and encouragement:
\u201cWe\u2019ll get through this together. I love you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The goal isn\u2019t to suppress your feelings\u2014it\u2019s to\u00a0regulate your emotions\u00a0so they don\u2019t control you. Emotional flooding blocks clear thinking and derails communication. Calming down allows the Holy Spirit room to work in and through you.<\/p>\n

This is\u00a0spiritual self-control\u00a0in action. It\u2019s the deliberate choice to think on what is good (Philippians 4:8), to tame the tongue (James 1:19), and to love your spouse with patience and grace.<\/p>\n

The result? Better health, stronger connection, and a relationship that honors God.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bill and Ann are locked in a cycle. One holds tightly to past hurts, while the other plans their next escape\u2014emotionally or verbally. In the heat of conflict, neither stops to ask,\u00a0\u201cIs this response righteous?\u201d\u00a0Or,\u00a0\u201cDoes this reflect Christ in me?\u201d Let\u2019s be honest: complaining, criticizing, or making demands are not fruits of the Spirit. And…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[9056,503,9053,2025,4362,1000,1583,2497],"class_list":["post-25466","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-clam-down","tag-conflict","tag-conflict-skills","tag-couples-relationships","tag-emotional-regulation","tag-relationship-problems","tag-self-control","tag-upset"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Conflict with your partner? Don't suppress your feelings\u2014regulate your emotions\u00a0through the use of this skill --self-control.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Conflict with your partner? Don't suppress your feelings\u2014regulate your emotions\u00a0through the use of this skill --self-control.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-07-08T12:00:05+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-07-04T12:56:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-6923403_1280.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict","description":"Conflict with your partner? Don't suppress your feelings\u2014regulate your emotions\u00a0through the use of this skill --self-control.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict","og_description":"Conflict with your partner? Don't suppress your feelings\u2014regulate your emotions\u00a0through the use of this skill --self-control.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466","og_site_name":"Doing Life Together","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","article_published_time":"2025-07-08T12:00:05+00:00","article_modified_time":"2025-07-04T12:56:23+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-6923403_1280.jpg"}],"author":"Linda Mintle","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@drlindamintle","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466","name":"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-6923403_1280.jpg","datePublished":"2025-07-08T12:00:05+00:00","dateModified":"2025-07-04T12:56:23+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142"},"description":"Conflict with your partner? Don't suppress your feelings\u2014regulate your emotions\u00a0through the use of this skill --self-control.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-6923403_1280.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2025\/07\/couple-6923403_1280.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=25466#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"How to Exercise Self-Control During Conflict"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/","name":"Doing Life Together","description":"Relationship Doctor, Mental Health, Emotional Wellness, Relationship Advice & Entertainment","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142","name":"Linda Mintle","description":"It is rare that a trained academic who speaks passionately to the heart of people providing real answers to real life problems is so relatable. Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. Check out her latest book Hope and Healing for Anxiety, a whole-person approach to eliminate anxiety. .","sameAs":["https:\/\/drlindamintle.com\/","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/x.com\/drlindamintle"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/author\/lmintle"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25466","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/419"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25466"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25466\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25478,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25466\/revisions\/25478"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25466"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25466"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25466"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}