{"id":21455,"date":"2023-07-27T08:00:57","date_gmt":"2023-07-27T12:00:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=21455"},"modified":"2023-08-01T12:08:08","modified_gmt":"2023-08-01T16:08:08","slug":"10-tips-to-deal-with-difficult-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2023\/07\/10-tips-to-deal-with-difficult-people.html","title":{"rendered":"10 Tips to Deal With Difficult People"},"content":{"rendered":"

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I am so tired of my boss. He is impossible and ridiculously demanding. <\/em>Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. How we respond to them matters for not only our mental health, but theirs. You don’t want to escalate tension and conflict or be a jerk in return. So, here are 10 tips to help deal with difficult people.<\/p>\n

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  1. Try to be kind even if they are not<\/strong>. People don’t wake up one day and say, “Hey I think I want to be difficult. How can I make people not like me?” \u00a0But that is often what happens because they have become difficult. \u00a0So, while our first response is to react in an unkind way to return the favor, don’t because it makes you equally. \u00a0That’s a tall order, but returning kindness to a difficult person disarms them.<\/li>\n
  2. Do you understand what’s behind the negativity? <\/strong>\u00a0I am not asking you to become an armchair psychologist, but it does help to understand their life. Their need to dump on you is most likely related to their own feelings about themselves. I have learned that people are difficult because they have been hurt, had a difficult upbringing, family issues, or are stressed beyond their coping. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it puts it in context. And it gives you a focus for prayer.<\/li>\n
  3. Stay calm.<\/strong> When someone blames or criticizes you, don\u2019t match their intensity. Try not to react. Take a timeout and catch your breath. Sometimes \u201cthe feeling” part of your brain gets triggered, and the “thinking” part goes offline. Count to 10, do some deep breathing\u2014and pray for self-control. If you need to, recite the Serenity Prayer: God, help me to not react and to see them as a person made in your image<\/em>. Then decide to pause, until you are calm.<\/li>\n
  4. Try to find a positive.<\/strong> Is there anything likable, even admirable, about the difficult person? \u00a0I had an uncle who constantly created tension and was difficult at times. He often goaded me into arguing about politics and criticized everyone in the room who didn’t agree with him. I tried to find one positive thing about my uncle to keep me from fighting with him. I would think about the positive when he was harassing me. Then I turned the conversation to sports. We\u2019re both huge Michigan football fans, so talking about the big game, we could laugh and defuse the conflict.<\/li>\n
  5. Know your triggers.<\/strong> One way to stop conflict from escalating is to identify your own triggers\u2014those hot buttons so easily pushed. Maybe you work with someone who makes you feel crazy. Figure out why. Is it because he always cuts you off mid-sentence\u2014the exact same way that your father did? Or does he have to be right like your mom? \u00a0Why is this person getting under your skin? Once you know the trigger, strategize how to respond better.<\/li>\n
  6. Have a soft start to differences.<\/strong> When it\u2019s time to have a difficult conversation with a difficult person, start softly. Say, “I value our relationship. There\u2019s something I need to talk to you about.” Choose your words carefully; make sure you use I<\/em> and we<\/em> \u2014not you<\/em>. Try: “I think we both feel upset about the situation. Tell me what you need from me.” Don’t go into the conversation with guns blazing and direct confrontation. It won’t be received well.<\/li>\n
  7. Don’t tell a person they\u2019re difficult<\/strong>. It is tempting, but it almost always backfires. They don\u2019t see themselves that way and it will only exacerbate their anger. Many difficult people have personality disorders with poor impulse control and a need to win at any cost. You are not going to get anywhere by telling them how difficult they are. Know it, but don’t say it.<\/li>\n
  8. Focus on the facts.<\/strong> Make sure your discussion centers on the facts\u2014not the person\u2019s character. Yes, they will try to make it about character, but bring the discussion back to facts. For example, calmly tell the neighbor that you are upset they built a fence that cuts into your property. You don\u2019t need to tell them they are rude, and all the neighbors are upset with them. Also, stick to one issue at a time. Don\u2019t bring up something that happened five years ago or a long-simmering list of complaints.<\/li>\n
  9. Set boundaries.<\/strong> Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conflicts will escalate with difficult people. Name-calling, violence and other forms of abuse are never acceptable. So set boundaries and say, \u2018This is not okay.” Difficult people will test those boundaries. Stay strong and stand your ground. You can\u2019t make them change, but you can respond in a way that is respectful and kind, yet doesn\u2019t allow them to walk all over you.<\/li>\n
  10. Forgive.<\/strong> When all else fails, you may need to cut ties. Even then, forgiveness is needed. During the Sermon on the Mount, \u00a0Jesus told us to love our enemies and bless those who curse you, not unleash our emotions over how upset we are. \u00a0Ask God to give you the patience and the heart to not react or retaliate. Don’t \u00a0hold onto offense and resentment as it will negatively impact your health and well-being. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and the path to healing from the hurts from a difficult person.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I am so tired of my boss. He is impossible and ridiculously demanding. Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. How we respond to them matters for not only our mental health, but theirs. You don’t want to escalate tension and conflict or be a jerk in return. So, here are 10 tips to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[2470,7259,503,1103,3496,7256],"class_list":["post-21455","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-arguments","tag-bad-boss","tag-conflict","tag-difficult-people","tag-personality-disorders","tag-triggered"],"yoast_head":"\n10 Tips to Deal With Difficult People<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. 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How we respond to them matters for not only our mental health but theirs.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2023\/07\/10-tips-to-deal-with-difficult-people.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-07-27T12:00:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-08-01T16:08:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2023\/07\/office-6084178_1280.png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"10 Tips to Deal With Difficult People","description":"Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. 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