{"id":21446,"date":"2023-07-25T08:00:21","date_gmt":"2023-07-25T12:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=21446"},"modified":"2023-07-22T12:43:44","modified_gmt":"2023-07-22T16:43:44","slug":"6-ways-to-fair-fighting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2023\/07\/6-ways-to-fair-fighting.html","title":{"rendered":"6 Ways to Fair Fighting"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2023\/07\/scene-g88116d56b_1280.png\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-21467\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/258\/2023\/07\/scene-g88116d56b_1280.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"768\" height=\"614\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When was the last time you had a good fight with someone you care about? That\u2019s right, two people in a relationship are going to fight from time to time, even if the relationship is healthy. But the point is, are you fighting fair? The way disagreements and conflicts are handled can be helpful or destructive. And you don\u2019t want to regret what you may say, as those words are hard to undo.<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When couples fight often and not in honoring ways, emotional distance is created. Emotional distance is a precursor for divorce. Thus, you don\u2019t want to fight with negative tactics or, for that matter, avoid conflict altogether. Here are 6 rules of healthy fighting:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Manage anger:<\/strong> One of the goals of good fighting is not to end the conflict feeling hurt or deeply wounded. This means be aware of your anger. Don&#8217;t allow it to escalate. If you feel you are starting to lose control, take a temporary time-out and cool down. Do some deep breathing, pray or distract your brain with a brief mental exercise like counting to ten backwards. These tactics will bring your thinking brain back on-line and calm your emotions.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Deal with issues daily:<\/strong> You can\u2019t solve things you don\u2019t discuss. In couples work, we often talk about taking a daily temperature. Here is how. Each night, take a few minutes and ask, \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d Hopefully, this leads to discussing issues as they come up versus allowing them to simmer and create resentment or even a future blow up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Listen: <\/strong>Rather than defending your point of view and strategizing how you can convince the person you are right, listen. Wait your turn to speak. It\u2019s best to hear the person out, give a brief summary of what you heard, and then ask the person if you heard it correctly. Doing this small step makes the other person feel heard.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Be humble<\/strong>: Humility allows you to lower your need-to-be-right (defensiveness) and work WITH each other rather than against each other. Focus on problem-solving. If you can\u2019t solve it, agree to come back to it at another time. Or simply agree to disagree. The bottom line of any argument is to discuss your differences, but value and appreciate the other person regardless of the problem.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Show respect<\/strong>: Scripture is our guide as to how we are to treat each other. At the minimum, name calling, blaming, swearing and being disrespectful are not the mark of a Christ follower. Your language, behavior and attitude should line up with the Word. Unfortunately, we see a lot of disrespect toward others. Be different and model care and compassion.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Forgive often:<\/strong> All relationships require forgiveness and grace. For example, I saw a woman in couples&#8217; therapy who had been deeply and emotionally harmed by her husband. She was ready to walk away. But he had a change of heart and it seemed genuine. He was truly repentant. She wrote out all the ways he had hurt her through their years of marriage. The list was 25 pages single spaced. Then, in their time away from therapy, he read each one, apologized and they addressed issue in prayer. We came up with ways to repair and rebuild the relationship while holding his feet to the fire based on past behavior. He proved the change was real and they went on to have a solid marriage. However, she had to agree to let go of those hurts and to forgive. Without that process, surrender, repentance and asking for forgiveness, it would have been hard to move forward.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you fight, examine your heart. Are you guilty of unfair fighting? Too many people won\u2019t admit the hurt they cause or examine their heart and ask God to transform them. Consequently, they stay stuck in anger and resentment. Don\u2019t be one of those people. Learn to fight fair and with respect.<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When was the last time you had a good fight with someone you care about? That\u2019s right, two people in a relationship are going to fight from time to time, even if the relationship is healthy. But the point is, are you fighting fair? The way disagreements and conflicts are handled can be helpful or&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[2470,503,2225,2025,7253,1033],"class_list":["post-21446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-arguments","tag-conflict","tag-couples-conflict","tag-couples-relationships","tag-fair-fighting","tag-fighting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>6 Ways to Fair Fighting<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When was the last time you had a good fight with someone you care about? 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Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. 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