{"id":21189,"date":"2023-05-16T09:00:37","date_gmt":"2023-05-16T13:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=21189"},"modified":"2023-05-18T13:59:49","modified_gmt":"2023-05-18T17:59:49","slug":"recognizing-a-covert-narcissist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2023\/05\/recognizing-a-covert-narcissist.html","title":{"rendered":"Recognizing a Covert Narcissist"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

A patient who was seeing me in couple\u2019s therapy said, \u201cMy wife doesn\u2019t have much empathy. And she doesn\u2019t return my affection. It\u2019s subtle, and I can\u2019t really put my finger on it. She says things like, \u2018I am too good for this relationship.\u2019 or \u2018I deserve good things and people don\u2019t realize how much I have to offer.\u2019\u201d On the other hand, she often appears to others as shy, withdrawn and even self-depreciating.<\/p>\n

What this husband was describing was a wife who was a covert narcissist. Sometimes this is described as vulnerable narcissism. Her elevated sense of self was not obvious, but came out in statements like, \u201cYou owe me,\u201d or \u201cYou should be glad to have me as a wife.\u201d She often gave her husband back-handed compliments and needed constant reassurance of her talents and abilities. And she was hypersensitive to any criticism.<\/p>\n

In both overt and covert narcissism, blaming and shaming are key. These tactics are used to elevate the person above others. However, the covert narcissist uses the victim position to instill blame. The end game is to feel superior by putting other people down or make them feel small. And perhaps one of the most disturbing relationship behaviors is that a covert narcissist ignores you and your needs. This is done in passive ways like not responding to text messages, not confirming plans, or showing up late.<\/p>\n

Other ways the covert narcissist interacts is to receive and not give, be emotionally unresponsive, and have little regard for your gifts and talents. Guilt trips and gaslighting are common behavior patterns, along with passive-aggressive responding. Self-absorption and the belief that they are better than others are present. Empathy is lacking.<\/p>\n

So how can you protect or defend against this unhealthy behavior? First, try not to take things personally even though you are blamed. You may be the target, but the person’s actions are problematic. Second, set boundaries regarding the way you are treated. Stand up for yourself in terms of what is appropriate behavior. If you need additional help, see a Christian therapist.<\/p>\n

In terms of spirituality, there is no place in any relationship to elevate yourself above others. Scripture reminds us, \u201cpride\u00a0goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling\u201d (Proverbs 16:18<\/a>). Pride is the sin of narcissism in that you elevate yourself above others. The need to be loved, admired and catered to by others does not reflect a humble heart. The focus is on self, not God or sacrificial love.<\/p>\n

To combat pride, \u201cDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,\u00a0<\/sup><\/strong>not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.\u00a0Who, being in very nature\u00a0<\/sup>God,\u00a0did not consider equality with God\u00a0something to be used to his own advantage,\u00a0<\/sup><\/strong>rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature\u00a0of a servant, being made in human likeness\u201d (Philippians 2:3-7<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Thus, the work is to humble yourself before God and others. And while we all are special to God, we are not to elevate ourselves above others. The need to do so is at the heart of the problem.<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A patient who was seeing me in couple\u2019s therapy said, \u201cMy wife doesn\u2019t have much empathy. And she doesn\u2019t return my affection. It\u2019s subtle, and I can\u2019t really put my finger on it. She says things like, \u2018I am too good for this relationship.\u2019 or \u2018I deserve good things and people don\u2019t realize how much…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":21219,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[7089,3571,3466,7092,5154,7095],"class_list":["post-21189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-covert-narcissist","tag-narcissism","tag-narcissist","tag-overt-narcissist","tag-self-absorbed","tag-superior"],"yoast_head":"\nRecognizing a Covert Narcissist<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In both overt and covert narcissism, blaming and shaming are key. 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