{"id":20541,"date":"2023-08-03T08:00:53","date_gmt":"2023-08-03T12:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=20541"},"modified":"2023-07-29T12:27:47","modified_gmt":"2023-07-29T16:27:47","slug":"stuck-in-a-negative-relationship-cycle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2023\/08\/stuck-in-a-negative-relationship-cycle.html","title":{"rendered":"Stuck in a Negative Relationship Cycle?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Couples come to therapy with this complaint. I do nice things for my spouse, but it doesn’t seem to matter. She doesn’t even notice. I don’t get it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Honestly, they usually don’t get it. They fail to see that prior negativity in the relationship cancels out the good when it happens. I know that doesn’t sound fair, but an on-going negative relationship depletes the positives over time. Then, when there is a positive, it can be ignored. All the negativity overshadows a good moment.<\/p>\n

For example, in an overall positive relationship, if a husband comes home and forgets to bring the bread for dinner, the wife would probably think,
\n“Oh, he must have had a lot on his mind and just forgot. No worries. We can do without bread.”<\/p>\n

But if that same relationship is already very negative and the same thing happened, the wife might think, “See, he only thinks of himself. I can’t depend on him.”<\/p>\n

In fact, research tells us that 50% of positive gestures go unrecognized in couples characterized by negativity. The reason–there is too much negativity in the bank. Even neutral actions are seen as negative. Basically, the partner is confirming an already negative relationship by interpreting neutral actions as negative.<\/p>\n

So what can you do in a relationship where there is so much bad blood, it’s going even more negative?<\/strong><\/p>\n