{"id":19342,"date":"2022-08-09T09:00:40","date_gmt":"2022-08-09T13:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=19342"},"modified":"2022-08-06T15:15:22","modified_gmt":"2022-08-06T19:15:22","slug":"how-to-have-a-good-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2022\/08\/how-to-have-a-good-fight.html","title":{"rendered":"How to Have a Good Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

You are tired of his shoes left at the side of the bed. You almost tripped getting up at night. So it starts, the argument, that is. \u201cWhy do you have to leave your stuff all over the place? Just put things away!\u201d He glares at you and says, \u201cReally? So you are Ms. Perfect?\u201c Nothing gets resolved and both of you are upset. This is not a good argument.<\/p>\n

A good argument allows you to express your mind, be open and listen. The way you fight can make all the difference in your relationship.<\/p>\n

Good fights or arguments begin with rules of engagement. There is no swearing, yelling, name-calling or disrespect. When you feel your anger rising, you both agree to take a time-out. And no one is keeping score. Arguments should be aimed at dealing with issues and trying to solve them.<\/p>\n

Once the rules are set, ask yourself, what am I really unhappy about? What really is the problem? For example, is it really about his shoes, or taking out the trash, or even occasional lateness? \u00a0Or is there something deeper triggering this argument like feeling unsupported in the relationship?<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t get to the root issue behind the argument, you’ll have the same fight over and over. Then you’ll lose your cool and become defensive or simply give up and start detaching.<\/p>\n

To begin, consider the timing of starting an argument. Are you tired, stressed, sick or dealing with too much? Then this is not a good time to bring up a problem. And if the person isn\u2019t ready to talk, don\u2019t force it. Wait until they are ready.<\/p>\n

Then when you begin your side of the matter, take time to listen to the other person\u2019s point of view. Patiently wait for your turn to speak. Next, realize that the most important part of fighting is to preserve the relationship. This means being right is not the goal. Rather, your goal is to help the other person hear and understand your concerns within a context of honor–not shame.<\/p>\n

Next, leave criticism and anger at the door. Don\u2019t start with a verbal atomic bomb. Complain but don\u2019t criticize. Your approach to a problem should be what we call soft, not harsh. \u201cHey honey, I want us to figure something out together.” Not, \u201cYou frustrate me by leaving your stuff everywhere.\u201d Use first-person pronouns like, \u201cI feel\u2026\u201d instead of \u201cYou are\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, if the other person becomes upset, try to repair the damage. \u201cI am sorry for\u2026\u201d This signals a willingness to take responsibility and work toward reconciling the problem. It will also \u00a0keep a fight from escalating. When you feel overwhelmed, stop and take a break. Take a deep breath, a pause but stick to the issue.<\/p>\n

Then think, is there any way to compromise or accommodate the other person? Does your partner make a good point? Can you accept his or her influence on the topic of discussion? The more willing you are to accept influence, the better an argument moves toward agreement.<\/p>\n

Finally, problem-solve. Be ready to make changes in whatever area or topic is being discussed. If something can be solved, solve it. If not, agree to come back to it at another time. Or simply agree to disagree. Be clear when you tell the person what you need.<\/p>\n

The bottom line of any argument is to discuss your differences, but value and appreciate the other person regardless of the problem. Preserve the good will between you while coming up with ways to solve the problem.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You are tired of his shoes left at the side of the bed. You almost tripped getting up at night. So it starts, the argument, that is. \u201cWhy do you have to leave your stuff all over the place? Just put things away!\u201d He glares at you and says, \u201cReally? So you are Ms. Perfect?\u201c…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913,914,917],"tags":[2470,503,920,6403,6532],"class_list":["post-19342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","category-family-relationships-2","category-friend-relationships","tag-arguments","tag-conflict","tag-couple-relationships-2","tag-fights","tag-relationship-fighting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Have a Good Fight<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A good fight allows you to express your mind, be open and listen. 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