{"id":18236,"date":"2022-04-28T10:00:29","date_gmt":"2022-04-28T14:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=18236"},"modified":"2022-04-25T07:29:50","modified_gmt":"2022-04-25T11:29:50","slug":"how-to-have-a-good-argument","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2022\/04\/how-to-have-a-good-argument.html","title":{"rendered":"How to Have a Good Argument"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

You are tired of his shoes being left at the side of the bed. You almost tripped over them getting up at night. It doesn’t take long for the argument to begin. \u201cWhy do you have to leave your stuff all over the place? Just put things away.\u201d He glares at you and says, \u201cReally? Miss.Perfect?” Now, both of you are getting upset. Nothing gets resolved. This is not a good argument.<\/p>\n

A good argument allows you to express your mind, be open, listen and deal respectfully with differences. \u00a0And it can save your relationship.<\/p>\n

Establish fighting rules<\/strong><\/p>\n

Good fights or arguments begin with preset rules. There is no swearing, yelling, name-calling, blaming, throwing up the past or disrespect. Thus, when you feel your anger rising, it\u2019s time to take a time-out. Also, keep in mind, this is not about keeping score. Arguments should be aimed at taking a new step forward.<\/p>\n

What’s behind the argument?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Once rules are established, then ask yourself, what am I really unhappy about? It\u2019s not really the shoes, or taking out the trash, or even occasional lateness. Something deeper is triggering this argument.<\/p>\n

When you don\u2019t get to the real issue behind the argument, you have the same fight over and over. Then you lose your cool and become defensive or simply give up and start detaching. To avoid this, stop, think about what you feel and why. If you can get to the why you feel upset, it might stop the fight over things and focus your conversation on bigger relationship issues.<\/p>\n

Timing is important<\/strong><\/p>\n

First, think about the timing of starting an argument. Are you tired, stressed, sick or dealing with too much? Then, this is not a good time to bring up a problem. And if the person isn\u2019t ready to talk, don\u2019t force it. Wait until they are ready.<\/p>\n

Begin by listening to the other person\u2019s point of view and wait your turn to speak.<\/p>\n

Start soft, not with a verbal bomb<\/strong><\/p>\n

Next, leave criticism and anger at the door. Don\u2019t start with a verbal bomb. Complain but don\u2019t criticize. Your approach should be what we call soft, not harsh. \u201cHey honey, I want us to figure something out together\u201d for example. Not, \u201cYou frustrate me by leaving your stuff everywhere.\u201d \u201cI feel\u2026\u201d instread of \u201cYou are\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Repair any relationship damage<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now, if the other person is upset by something, repair the damage. \u201cI am sorry for\u2026\u201d This signals a willingness to take responsibility and work towards reconciling the problem. It will also \u00a0keep things from escalating.. When you feel overwhelmed, stop and take a break. Take a deep breath and stick to the issue. Decide that the most important part of fighting is to preserve the relationship. That means being right is not the goal.<\/p>\n

Consider compromise<\/strong><\/p>\n

Once you begin a calm discussion, is there any way to compromise or accommodate the other person? Does your partner make a good point? Can you accept his or her influence on the topic of discussion? The more willing you are to accept influence, the better an agument goes.<\/p>\n

Problem-solve<\/strong><\/p>\n

Finally, problem-solve. Make a change in whatever area or topic is being discussed. If something can be solved, solve it. If not, agree to come back to it at another time. Or simply agree to disagree. Tell the person what you need and it might help change behavior.<\/p>\n

The bottom line of any argument is to discuss your differences, but value and appreciate the other person regardless of the problem.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You are tired of his shoes being left at the side of the bed. You almost tripped over them getting up at night. It doesn’t take long for the argument to begin. \u201cWhy do you have to leave your stuff all over the place? Just put things away.\u201d He glares at you and says, \u201cReally?…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[2226,503,3117,1887,1033,6299,6302,2653],"class_list":["post-18236","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-arguing","tag-conflict","tag-couples-relationship","tag-differences","tag-fighting","tag-good-arguments","tag-good-fights","tag-relationship-conflict"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Have a Good Argument<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A good argument allows you to express your mind, be open, listen and deal respectfully with differences. \u00a0And it can save your relationship.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" 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