{"id":10415,"date":"2018-10-08T06:00:45","date_gmt":"2018-10-08T10:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?p=10415"},"modified":"2018-10-06T08:06:23","modified_gmt":"2018-10-06T12:06:23","slug":"time-end-blame-game","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html","title":{"rendered":"Time to End the Blame Game"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"bullying-3089938_1280\"Given the events of the past weeks, it is clear how blame can ruin peoples\u2019 lives. The opposite is also true-the lack of blame allows people to get away with things. Blame, when tied to guilt, is appropriate. But you have to know the truth about a situation to know if blame is justified or not. These days the lines of accusations vs truth are being blurred like we have never seen before.<\/p>\n

Blame is toxic in relationships when people don\u2019t take responsibility for their actions and want to make the other person feel bad or suffer. Blame puts the other person in the defense mode. It is reactionary.<\/p>\n

For example, when a couple blames the other person for their problems, the result is defensiveness and distance. No one wins because no one takes responsibility for their part of the problem. When you blame the other person, it stops the uncomfortable feeling of looking at your own behavior. And you don\u2019t have to change anything in yourself. The message is, \u201cI can\u2019t change or be OK until you change.\u201d It\u2019s all up to you. But you can\u2019t build intimacy with an accusing finger. And blame doesn\u2019t usually motivate another person to change.<\/p>\n

To avoid blame, look at your own behavior first. Are you doing anything that could be causing or contributing to the problem? Decide what is your part of the problem. Most problems are not one sided. Then, focus on a solution rather than blaming the other person. How can you improve the relationship and build trust not defensiveness? What can you do differently to build closeness rather than distance? Stay calm, think through solutions and don\u2019t be drawn in to the attack mode of another person.<\/p>\n

In addition, before you blame someone, find out if they acted with full knowledge of the consequences of their actions. Did they intend to hurt you? Did they fly off the handle? Or is their goal to hurt you because they have been hurt?<\/p>\n

Blame has been around since the beginning of time. It started in a garden when Adam pointed a finger at Eve. Eve pointed a finger at the serpent and the result was distance from God. Blame doesn\u2019t promote intimacy.<\/p>\n

If you are in a blaming relationship, end the blame game now. Agree to be on the same team and work towards a mutual goal. Attack problems not people. Blaming and shaming don\u2019t lead to solutions, only distance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Given the events of the past weeks, it is clear how blame can ruin peoples\u2019 lives. The opposite is also true-the lack of blame allows people to get away with things. Blame, when tied to guilt, is appropriate. But you have to know the truth about a situation to know if blame is justified or…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":419,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[913],"tags":[504,1542,4285,1382],"class_list":["post-10415","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-couple-relationships","tag-blame","tag-couples-and-blame","tag-distance","tag-intimacy"],"yoast_head":"\nTime to End the Blame Game<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Time to End the Blame Game\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Given the events of the past weeks, it is clear how blame can ruin peoples\u2019 lives. The opposite is also true-the lack of blame allows people to get away with things. Blame, when tied to guilt, is appropriate. But you have to know the truth about a situation to know if blame is justified or…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Doing Life Together\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-10-08T10:00:45+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-10-06T12:06:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2018\/10\/bullying-3089938_1280-300x141.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Linda Mintle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@drlindamintle\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Time to End the Blame Game","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Time to End the Blame Game","og_description":"Given the events of the past weeks, it is clear how blame can ruin peoples\u2019 lives. The opposite is also true-the lack of blame allows people to get away with things. Blame, when tied to guilt, is appropriate. But you have to know the truth about a situation to know if blame is justified or…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html","og_site_name":"Doing Life Together","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","article_published_time":"2018-10-08T10:00:45+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-10-06T12:06:23+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2018\/10\/bullying-3089938_1280-300x141.jpg"}],"author":"Linda Mintle","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@drlindamintle","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html","name":"Time to End the Blame Game","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2018\/10\/bullying-3089938_1280-300x141.jpg","datePublished":"2018-10-08T10:00:45+00:00","dateModified":"2018-10-06T12:06:23+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2018\/10\/bullying-3089938_1280-300x141.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/files\/2018\/10\/bullying-3089938_1280-300x141.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/2018\/10\/time-end-blame-game.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Time to End the Blame Game"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/","name":"Doing Life Together","description":"Relationship Doctor, Mental Health, Emotional Wellness, Relationship Advice & Entertainment","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/#\/schema\/person\/1e16a9c7332cfcc5b5d89e4ba3a36142","name":"Linda Mintle","description":"It is rare that a trained academic who speaks passionately to the heart of people providing real answers to real life problems is so relatable. Dr. Linda\u2019s fun personality and expertise comes through whether she\u2019s helping her audience stress less or make peace with their thighs! Dr. Linda has her Ph.D. in Urban Health and Clinical Psychology and is a national expert on mental health. She has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders, anxiety, depression and pain management. With 30 years of clinical experience working with couples, families and individuals, she brings her common-sense approach to people who want to live in positive mental health. Dr. Linda is also a bestselling author with 21 book titles to her credit, a radio host of the Dr. Linda Mintle show, professor, national speaker, winner of the Mom\u2019s Choice Award, a national news consultant, featured writer for Beliefnet and hosts her own website. Her academic appointments keep her abreast of current research in her areas of expertise. Her media experience includes seven years as the resident expert for ABC Family\u2019s Living the Life television show and regular appearances on network television and radio. It is often said that being with Dr. Linda is like having coffee with a friend. She makes the complicated issues of relationships and mental health easy to understand and applicable to everyday living. The ease she has with people, coupled with her clinical training and experience makes her a sought-after speaker on college campuses, conferences and special events. Whether she is doing a TV skit with Tim Conway or discussing teen violence with Queen Latifa, Dr. Linda will entertain, educate and integrate faith and mental health in everyday living. Check out her latest book Hope and Healing for Anxiety, a whole-person approach to eliminate anxiety. .","sameAs":["https:\/\/drlindamintle.com\/","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlindamintle\/","https:\/\/x.com\/drlindamintle"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/author\/lmintle"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10415","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/419"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10415"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10415\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10417,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10415\/revisions\/10417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10415"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10415"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/doinglifetogether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10415"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}