{"id":1230,"date":"2016-03-15T06:08:27","date_gmt":"2016-03-15T06:08:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/depressionhelp\/?p=1230"},"modified":"2018-07-04T02:54:03","modified_gmt":"2018-07-04T02:54:03","slug":"please-dont-judge-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/depressionhelp\/2016\/03\/please-dont-judge-me.html","title":{"rendered":"Please Don’t Judge Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Terezia<\/a><\/p>\n

Please don\u2019t judge me. It\u2019s not that I want to die. I just want to be able to not lie awake all night, unable to sleep because the demons love the night-time. To not feel like I can\u2019t breathe because the darkness is so suffocating. To not want to run far away because trying to stick the smile on is too exhausting.<\/h2>\n

Sometimes the suicidal thoughts are overwhelming, and the energy it takes to silence them is draining. I\u2019m told to think of my girls, how would they cope without me? What would their life be like without me around? I don\u2019t understand why anyone would think that my girls aren\u2019t the focus of all my thoughts. I don\u2019t want to leave them, nor my husband. We have a lifetime of memories still to make, so many experiences to enjoy together, as a couple and a family. Of course I want to watch my eldest grow up, argue with her through her teenage years, see what decisions she chooses to make about her life, celebrate those milestones that are still yet to come. I don\u2019t want either of my girls growing up without a mum. It\u2019s because of my little family that I am still here, that I do fight this with all my energy, that I haven\u2019t given in to it when some days it would be so much easier to.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s very difficult to explain to anyone who doesn\u2019t suffer from mental illness how it makes you feel. How on the outside you might look like you\u2019re doing just fine, but on the inside you\u2019re a chaotic mess and only just holding onto your sanity. Everyone\u2019s experience is unique, the reasons for their feelings, the way they deal with them, their lifestyles and family\/friends. But from talking with many other people working their way through their own battles, one thing seems to unite each one of us. If we talk openly about suicide, we are told not to do \u201csomething stupid\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just because you don\u2019t understand how I feel, doesn\u2019t make me stupid. I may be desperate and scared, but that doesn\u2019t mean I lack intelligence. I am fed up of watching programmes where a character is feeling low and their families are worried about them \u201cdoing something stupid\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

No one should feel that the only choice is to end their life, but devastatingly, people do. In that moment when you feel like you\u2019re losing control, that you can\u2019t breathe and you\u2019re absolutely terrified – I truly think that if you\u2019ve found the strength to reach out and say this is how I feel, that to be told not to do \u201csomething stupid\u201d could potentially have catastrophic consequences.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve broken your leg or been diagnosed with cancer, you\u2019re not told that you\u2019re stupid when you say you\u2019re suffering and in pain. I too have an illness. Just because you can\u2019t see it doesn\u2019t make it any easier for me. There are some days that I feel I can\u2019t cope and there are some days that the suicidal thoughts take over. When that happens, I say so, I tell people. I don\u2019t expect anyone to have the answers. I don\u2019t expect anyone to be able to help, but I have a big mouth and if I say it out loud then that\u2019s my way of trying to silence the demons a bit. By saying it, I am doing my best to stay with my family, to put my girls first, they are the only thing I think about in that moment. No one else can understand my demons. They are personal to me, but they are also very real. Every now and then they become so overwhelming that I need everything to just stop.<\/span><\/p>\n

My feelings, and my reaction to those feelings are not stupid. Please, don\u2019t judge me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Special thank you to Brighter Days<\/a>\u00a0for this blog.\u00a0<\/strong>I’ve been in that spot, where thinking about suicide seemed the only escape from the pain. As long as you have one thing to keep you rooted to this life, you cling to it with all your remaining strength. Talking, hearing your thoughts out loud, helps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.\u00a0 (http:\/\/www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org<\/span><\/a>)<\/p>\n

Twitter: \u00a0@tereziafarkas\u00a0#wellness #mentalhealth<\/p>\n

\n

* Click here to find out more about Terezia Farkas<\/a>\u00a0and Depression help<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Please don\u2019t judge me. It\u2019s not that I want to die. I just want to be able to not lie awake all night, unable to sleep because the demons love the night-time. To not feel like I can\u2019t breathe because the darkness is so suffocating. To not want to run far away because trying to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":578,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,233,9],"tags":[5,2,4,158,174,175,6],"class_list":["post-1230","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression-help-2","category-healing","category-suicide","tag-beliefnet","tag-depression","tag-depression-help","tag-healing","tag-suicide","tag-suicide-prevention","tag-terezia-farkas"],"yoast_head":"\nPlease Don't Judge Me - Depression Help<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Please don\u2019t judge me. It\u2019s not that I want to die. 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