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I knew a woman who so longed to be loved and not feel lonely that she gave her lover, a man who she had only recently met and knew to be a criminal, all of her life savings\u2014some $43,000, to be exact. He promised that he would give the money back with interest (along with his abiding love), in two short months.<\/p>\n
She had a small child to feed and had just lost her job\u2014and, incidentally, two other boyfriends just like this one\u2014but she trusted him primarily because \u201che believed in Karma.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over the next several months, she heard from him only once. When she began to inquire about his whereabouts, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident and had left behind a young widow and three small children. When she told a friend what she had discovered, her friend asked what she had learned. \u201cHe died in the car he bought with my money.\u201d<\/p>\n
This is an extreme example of what can happen when you are lonely but haven\u2019t developed the inner resources to give yourself the good feelings that you are seeking from someone else.<\/p>\n
I get it. I\u2019ve been there, too. I had string of relationship disasters that I believed were the result of some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood. I married a man who I hoped would complete me (spoiler: it didn\u2019t work).<\/p>\n
My role models and friends were no better off. My failed marriage and relationships fell like a line of dominoes over the years, all to the Western tune of: \u201cThat rotten, no good, cheating son of a…, and he even took the dog!\u201d<\/p>\n
Healing from Heartbreak<\/strong><\/p>\n Then I took a hard look at myself, sorted out what was really going on, and healed my heart. I found my way through loneliness. I got really clear about the kind of soulful relationship I wanted. My future husband was introduced to me in a dream by name. I tried matchmakers, online dating, blind dates\u2014the works. I met some good men who weren\u2019t right for me. I stopped believing the person for me was out there.<\/p>\n Then I met David. I\u2019d never met anyone like him. He\u2019s a man with the heart of a lion, the mind of a philosopher, and soul of a poet. He was beyond everything I wanted, and honestly it scared me at first. In David, I found a companion with whom I could share the depths of my soul. We\u2019ve been happily married for over 15 years. He\u2019s my beloved, my partner and friend.<\/p>\n What you can do right now\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n While you\u2019re busy trying to sort out who really did what, whose responsibility your life actually is, and healing your heart, I offer you some \u201chere and now\u201d antidotes to feeling desperately lonely. So you don\u2019t go and find another relationship just like the last one, or just like our friend\u2019s.<\/p>\n 11 things you can do when you feel desperately lonely:<\/strong><\/p>\n Feel<\/strong>. I say we have to feel it to heal it. And if we don\u2019t know what we feel, we don\u2019t know what we need. Get a pillow, sit on the floor, and bring it on. Facing our fears sometimes is the perfect answer. Two and three o\u2019clock in the morning are when loneliness hit me the worst. Whatever time it is, facing the boogeyman is ultimately what we all have to do if we want to be free and choose a relationship out of love rather than need (or desperation). If I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and attending to what was underneath all my anxiety.<\/p>\n Move<\/strong>. Give what\u2019s inside some space. Let it move. Moving saved my life! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty. Running, hiking, swimming, dance classes\u2014you name it, I did it!! Here\u2019s a simple, but powerful movement exercise that will help you to listen to what your body is saying and get the feelings out.<\/p>\n Read<\/strong>. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and will engage you every time. Ones that have exercises and great \u201cif I can do it, you can, too\u201d stories. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby. Still do. Here\u2019s a list of my favorite books on relationships and a list of my favorites on the spirit and soul.<\/p>\n Write<\/strong>. Write love letters … to yourself. If you write one every night, you may find they get longer. Whatever you have pinging around in your head, put it on paper. Doesn\u2019t matter how you do it: journal, write to God (he<\/em>\/she<\/em> will answer back), write letters to your future self. You may have the next New York Times bestseller in you! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intense poetry. It was so great to get it out of my body!<\/p>\n Collage<\/strong>. You\u2019ll be surprised at what you can learn about yourself–what you long for and what you really like–by pulling out magazine bits, art work, doodles, quotes, pictures of people, places and things. Sit quietly and ask yourself: What am I longing for most?<\/em> And see what comes. If you want some help with your inquiry questions check out my article on divination. Using prompts like the Great Relationships Begin Within divination deck that my husband and I created to help support our inquiry practice can help prompt powerful healing and growth. (Also available as an IOS app.)<\/p>\n Talk<\/strong>. I had a list of folks who I could call when I needed to be \u201ctalked down\u201d\u2026 if you know what I mean: friends<\/em> who cared about me, knew my history and were devoted to my well-being. Honestly, I have never been a big phone talker, but when I got lonely sometimes it would take the edge off\u2014just hearing someone\u2019s voice was comforting enough to get me to the next place!<\/p>\n Play<\/strong>. Find your version of what healthy fun is. We all need things that have positive consequences, but that we don\u2019t have to \u201cwin\u201d at. I started dancing the Five Rhythms, took salsa lessons, ice skated w\/my son, played cards with friends, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a million online resources to find \u201cclean living,\u201d fun things that will bring you joy. Play!<\/p>\n Get a pet<\/strong>. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), and a dog named Bella. I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time\u2014and best of all, so do I!!!<\/p>\n Laugh<\/strong>. Comedians are fab and I recommend getting a library of them\u2014one of my all time faves is Orny Adams, or Saturday Night Live reruns. OR a great alternative is funny movies, and my list is long. If you don\u2019t have them already, check out Hulu or Netflix, it\u2019s way less expensive than a one-night stand or bad relationship choice.<\/p>\n Pray.<\/strong> Never underestimate the power of prayer. I have said prayers over and over, hoping someone or something out there would hear me, and then one day it happened. I found my Divine connection to\u2026well, The Divine. It was like coming home, and now I find great comfort in prayer and meditation, as corny or simplistic as this sounds. I know, I know, you are desperately lonely. Then I say to you, pray like it!! I\u2019ve found praying for guidance to be of particular help. Here are some thoughts on prayer that has helped me through difficult times.<\/p>\n Meet your Tomorrow Me<\/strong>. Discover the part of yourself that looks out for you today on behalf of all your tomorrows. It has wisdom to help you be happy and thrive.<\/p>\n Get Support and Counseling<\/strong><\/p>\n My work counseling clients over the past 30 years has confirmed what I experienced myself: great relationships begin within. Honoring our own bodies, longings and dreams will lead us not only to more compatible partners, but deeper fulfillment. Often this takes some self-discovery and healing that is easier to do with the support and guidance of someone who has been down this path before.<\/p>\n Meeting my husband was an incredible gift, but by the time I met him, I had already found what I longed for in my relationship with myself and my spirituality. My relationship with David was a bonus that reflected all the work I\u2019d done on myself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n