Lately, I have become even more acutely aware of the fragility of life and the tenuousness of what ties us to it.\u00a0 In my lifetime, I have said goodbye to my grandmothers, my husband and my parents, as well as a few friends. I have let go of relationships; romantic and otherwise. Some people have boomeranged back into my life and there has been healing between us. I am grateful for each connection that exists and treasure my friendships.<\/p>\n
Tonight, while speaking on the phone with a dear sister-friend who has been in my life for something like 10 years, although it sometimes feels longer, she was telling me that when I act as if something is so, when she knows it isn’t, she wonders, “Where did my friend go?” What she meant was that when I pretend that everything in my life is hunky dory when she knows damn right well that I am full of it, she feels a separation between us. Good thing she has her x-ray goggles that can see right through the fa\u00e7ade. It brought tears as I breathed in what she had to say. She reminded me that when I act as the go-to person in her life, and also, as she is well aware, in the lives of others, then I am depriving people of the opportunity to be there for me too.<\/p>\n
The truth is, this fiercely independent woman needs her friends and family. She can’t go it alone. One of the things I have held back doing is telling people that I could benefit from being held by them instead of always being the one doing the holding. On Sunday, I was at Circle of Miracles which is one of the spiritual communities where I attend services. I had a wakeup call when I was greeted by my friend Doug. He is the official hugger at the door and I always love the energy exchange when I walk in. For the first time in a long time, I LET myself BE hugged, rather than being the one giving or exchanging. I realize how rarely I allow myself to be held in life. A scary, vulnerable place to be and I am asking for that now. Need to melt into the embrace. Willing to receive the love that people have to offer and to ask for it when I feel like I am running a quart low.<\/p>\n
I am also learning to say what is in my heart, since I never know when I will have the chance again. If there is one thing the heart attack taught me is that it is that we are not promised another day. Grateful that I get to say what I need to say.<\/p>\n
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