{"id":6103,"date":"2014-02-09T21:11:03","date_gmt":"2014-02-10T02:11:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/blissblog\/?p=6103"},"modified":"2014-02-09T21:33:03","modified_gmt":"2014-02-10T02:33:03","slug":"lurking-fears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/blissblog\/2014\/02\/lurking-fears.html","title":{"rendered":"Lurking Fears"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Getting in touch with lurking fears that have been hiding in the shadows. I sense that they are what have been keeping me from living my dreams and desires full out. They speak to me in slimy, sneering tones\u00a0 “The more you take on, the greater the chance for mistakes, for stepping on toes, for expectations not being met, for letting people down, for messes to clean up, for the demands\u00a0of\u00a0being ON so much of the time.\u00a0 People will be angry with you if you don’t do what they want, what they expect, for having different perspectives, for speaking up and speaking out.” Rocking the boat, making waves, rattling my cage all at once.<\/div>\n
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As I am learning new processes, I am finding that just when I think I have it down, I realize that there is still something I missed. I attribute some of it to ‘menopause (mental pause) brain’ which just had me refilling the Brita pitcher after pouring water in a mug to make tea and then attempting to put the pitcher instead of the mug into the microwave. YIKES!<\/div>\n
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One of my biggest fears is feeling like I am\u00a0 ‘not doing it right’. I’ve\u00a0never been sure exactly with ‘right’ would look and feel like. Perhaps like a score of 6.0 in figure skating or nailing a landing in gymnastics. Who is the arbiter anyway of whether I am successful? Is it about return on investment of my time?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0How about the digits in\u00a0my checking account? \u00a0 What if it is\u00a0knowing that my work reaches people in meaningful ways ? I think it has to do with taking a look at the end result and feeling satisfied that I am using my gifts. My cousin Jody reframed the word mistake as mis-take. It implies that a do-over is possible.<\/div>\n
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I am reminded of the wise words of my friend Liora Hill:<\/div>\n
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” I am a work in progress. I am where I am in my process and where I am in my process is perfect.”<\/em><\/div>\n
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Today, I was at my monthly women’s group, part\u00a0of my work following\u00a0The Woman Within\u00a0training that I did\u00a0last April, \u00a0surrounded by powerful sisters who were able to hold space for me to explore these ‘cave feelings’. I began by relating a tale about having a panic attack recently while in an MRI which is not an uncommon experience. I\u00a0was taking part in a research study for which I\u00a0had signed up. \u00a0I went through two conflicting processes while lying in the tube that felt like it was closing in on me. The first was to be self critical and then put on my coach-come-on-you-can-do-this hat. The second was to kindly and compassionately remind myself that because I had volunteered, I could UN<\/strong>-volunteer. So I did and dropped out of the study. I then went on to share that my other fears were as I expressed in the opening paragraph, as well as the feeling of being pulled in a million directions.<\/div>\n
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I then had an insight and asked two of my friends to each grab an arm and demonstrate physically the emotions that were swirling about. I asked one to repeat words to the effect: “Come on, hotshot, you have to do this. You wanted to be center stage. Here you go. \u00a0You\u00a0can’t \u00a0let people down. You have to do it all….” and so on. The other was the voice of reason and rest, reminding me that it was ok to just STOP and veg, breathe and be. She asked me to slow my speech, rather than being breathless when I communicate. The other two pulled at me; one from behind and one from the front telling me that they wanted me to take care of them, do for them, rescue them. I\u00a0 held the image of Jesus in the scene from Jesus Christ Superstar in which he was healing the lepers and he cried out “There’s too many of you and too little of me.”\u00a0 Body wracking sobbing turned to laughter when I realized that all of these voices were vying for attention in my mind. They then asked questions like what would my life be like if I were on Oprah and became\u00a0 wealthy and famous?\u00a0 I responded that I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck as I do now and that more people would be touched by my work. Another was “At what cost? Is it worth killing yourself over?” She was referring to my health challenges over the past few months and the toll that stress had been taking on me. Yet another who has known me for at least 20 years, observed “You are in survival mode. I have never not known you to be in survival mode.”\u00a0 I would much rather be in thriver mode where I am doing more than just getting by.<\/div>\n
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I haven’t taken a vacation in years that wasn’t either about going to a retreat, or \u00a0a workshop where I was either teaching or learning. Even when I went to Florida over the past several years, much was about taking care of my parents. I asked myself tonight what a ‘real vacay’ would look like. It would involve a whole lot of pampering, massage, hanging out in a hammock, being in nature, sleeping and waking when I want, with someone cooking healthy vegetarian meals, with no apparent schedule or agenda, time to read and write. I absolutely wouldn’t invite ‘the crew’ who take up space in my brain. They can stay home and clean up the mess they made.<\/div>\n
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Getting in touch with lurking fears that have been hiding in the shadows. I sense that they are what have been keeping me from living my dreams and desires full out. They speak to me in slimy, sneering tones\u00a0 “The more you take on, the greater the chance for mistakes, for stepping on toes, for…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":233,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,13,19,49,3,22,14,4,51,16,7,38,29],"tags":[3646,1606,3645,171,1465],"class_list":["post-6103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-attracting-what-you-desire","category-bliss","category-blissfull-thinking","category-empowerment","category-friendship","category-gratitude","category-healing","category-how-to-invite-bliss","category-inspiration","category-mental-health","category-my-personal-bliss","category-re-creating-your-life","category-transformation","category-women","tag-brita","tag-jesus-christ-superstar","tag-mri","tag-oprah","tag-woman-within-training"],"yoast_head":"\nLurking Fears - The Bliss Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/blissblog\/2014\/02\/lurking-fears.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lurking Fears - The Bliss Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Getting in touch with lurking fears that have been hiding in the shadows. 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