{"id":936,"date":"2009-12-18T03:51:19","date_gmt":"2009-12-18T03:51:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/dave-barrys-2009-holiday-gift-guide.html"},"modified":"2009-12-18T03:51:19","modified_gmt":"2009-12-18T03:51:19","slug":"dave-barrys-2009-holiday-gift-guide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/dave-barrys-2009-holiday-gift-guide.html","title":{"rendered":"Dave Barry’s 2009 Holiday Gift Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"dave-barry-smiling.jpg\"<\/a><\/span>
(Thanks to alert reader Craig Beard for finding this).<\/p>\n

In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people,
\nit’s important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the
\nholiday season is not about buying things.<\/p>\n

Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of
\nCOURSE the holiday season is about buying things.  Now more than ever,
\nthe U.S. retail economy depends on consumers spending money they don’t
\nactually have on gifts that nobody actually needs.  <\/p>\n

That is the
\nthinking behind the federal government’s recently passed $783-billion
\nEmergency Holiday Retail Stimulus Act, which will be used to purchase,
\namong other things, what the White House has described as “a cheese log
\nthe size of the Chrysler Building.”<\/p>\n

When it comes to gifts that nobody needs, you will not find a
\nbetter source than our annual Holiday Gift Guide, which we have
\nproduced every single year without a break since the discovery of
\nAmerica.  As you might imagine, it’s a major effort.  The process
\nbegins in early spring, when we contact leading lifestyle trendsetter
\ncelebrities such as Beyonc\u00e9, Bret Favre, and Queen Elizabeth II to ask
\nthem what gift ideas they believe will be “hot” this holiday season. 
\nWithin hours — such is the prestige of this Gift Guide — we get a
\npersonal response from every single one of these celebrities’ legal
\nrepresentatives, informing us that we have violated our restraining
\norder.  Then we take eight months off.<\/p>\n

Approximately two weeks before our deadline, we return to work,
\nrefreshed, and get on the Internet to order a batch of products that
\nmeet the three strict criteria for inclusion in the Holiday Gift Guide:<\/p>\n

CRITERION ONE: The item is in stock.<\/p>\n

CRITERION TWO: The item makes us wonder what kind of idiot, aside from us, would ever actually buy it.<\/p>\n

CRITERION THREE: Now that we think about it, there really are just the two criteria.<\/p>\n

As
\nthe gift items arrive at the Gift Guide Command Center, our trained
\nprofessional staff, Judi, puts them through a rigorous testing
\nprocedure consisting of putting them on the floor next to her desk. 
\nWhen they have all arrived, we turn the items over to Bob the
\nphotographer, who takes pictures of them with models selected on the
\nbasis of being people Bob can talk into posing with embarrassing
\nproducts in exchange for no money.<\/p>\n

Yes, it’s a lot of work, but it’s work that we feel we must do if
\nwe are going to continue to avoid doing anything productive.  And it is
\nbecause of this rigorous procedure that we are able to offer you our
\nexclusive:<\/p>\n

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUALITY ASSURANCE GUARANTEE WARRANTY<\/p>\n

If
\nyou purchase any item featured in this Gift Guide, and you are, for any
\nreason — such as permanent disfigurement — not 100 percent satisfied,
\nsimply place the item in a one-quart resealable clear plastic bag, take
\nit to any municipal airport and put it on the moving belt going into
\nthe X-ray machine.  Then give the “thumbs-up” signal to the TSA
\npersonnel operating the machine.  They will know what to do.<\/p>\n

Confident?  You bet we are.  And you’ll understand why once you take a gander at this year’s Gift Guide lineup:<\/p>\n

* Educational sperm snow globe<\/a>
\n* Poop box<\/a>
* Jerky pistol<\/a>
\n* Nose shower-gel dispenser<\/a>
\n* Metal-detecting sandals<\/a>
* Whoppair boxing gloves<\/a>
\n* NFL Garden Gnome<\/a>
* Beer pager<\/a>
\n* Stink-finder ultraviolet light<\/a>
\n* Golf club drink dispenser<\/a>
* Wine glass holder necklace<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Thanks to alert reader Craig Beard for finding this). In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it’s important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things. 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He also writes for many church and scholarly publications, and is a frequent contributor to the Beliefnet website. Along with many interviews on radio networks across the country, Witherington has been seen on the History Channel, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, The Discovery Channel, A&E, and the PAX Network.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/author\/bwitherington"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/936","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/199"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=936"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/936\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=936"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=936"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=936"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}