{"id":925,"date":"2009-12-06T19:26:01","date_gmt":"2009-12-06T19:26:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails--dont-you-love-them.html"},"modified":"2009-12-06T19:26:01","modified_gmt":"2009-12-06T19:26:01","slug":"educational-emails-dont-you-love-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html","title":{"rendered":"Educational Emails– Don’t You Love Them!"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n

Subject:<\/span><\/font><\/b> educational
\ne-mails<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Just want
\nto thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
\ntotally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. <\/p>\n

<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer open a public bathroom door<\/span><\/font><\/b> without using a
\npaper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
\nabout the bacteria on the lemon peel.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\ncan’t use the remote in a hotel room<\/span><\/font><\/b> because I don’t
\nknow what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
\nchannels.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font>
I
\ncan’t sit down on the hotel bedspread<\/span><\/font><\/b> because I can
\nonly imagine what has happened on it since it was last
\nwashed.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nhave trouble shaking hands<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nwith someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while
\ndriving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking
\nthe number one spot).<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font>
Eating
\na little snack sends me on a guilt trip<\/span><\/font><\/b> because I can
\nonly imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
\nyears.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\ncan’t touch any woman’s purse<\/span><\/font><\/b> for
\nfear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.<\/span><\/font>
\n
<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nMUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS <\/span><\/font><\/b>to
\nwhoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
\nhave to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

ALSO,<\/span><\/font><\/b> now I have to
\nscrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer have any savings<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
\nhospital for the 1,387,258th time.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer have any money at all,<\/span><\/font><\/b> but that will
\nchange once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates\/Microsoft<\/span><\/b> and AOL<\/span><\/b> are sending me for participating in
\ntheir special e-mail program.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer worry about my soul<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s<\/span><\/b> Novena<\/span><\/b> has granted my every
\nwish.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer eat KFC<\/span><\/font><\/b> because their
\nchickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
\nfeathers.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font>
I
\nno longer use cancer-causing deodorants<\/span><\/font><\/b> even though I
\nsmell like a water buffalo on a hot day.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

THANKS
\nTO YOU <\/span><\/font><\/b>I have learned
\nthat my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
\nfriends and make a wish within five minutes.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

BECAUSE
\nOF YOUR CONCERN,<\/span><\/font><\/b> I no longer
\ndrink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer can buy gasoline<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nwithout taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl
\nin my back seat when I’m pumping gas.<\/span><\/font>
\n
<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper<\/span><\/font><\/b> since the people
\nwho make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’<\/span><\/b> on their
\ncans.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer use Saran Wrap<\/span><\/font><\/b> in
\nthe microwave because it causes cancer. <\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font>
AND
\nTHANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW <\/span><\/font><\/b>I
\ncan’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
\nin my face… disfiguring me for life.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer check the coin return on pay phones<\/span><\/font><\/b> because I could
\nbe pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.<\/span><\/b><\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer go to shopping malls<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
\nme.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex<\/span><\/font><\/b> since they are
\nactually Al Qaeda in disguise.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer shop at Target<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nsince they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation
\nArmy.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer answer the phone<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
\nbill with calls to  Jamaica ,  Uganda , Singapore , and  Uzbekistan
\n.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\nno longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus<\/span><\/font><\/b> since I now have
\ntheir recipe.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

THANKS
\nTO YOU <\/span><\/font><\/b>I can’t use
\nanyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under
\nthe seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

AND
\nTHANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE <\/span><\/font><\/b>I
\ncan’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
\nplaced there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
\nleg.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

I
\ncan no longer drive my car<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font>
I
\ncan’t do any gardening<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\nbecause I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will
\nfall off.<\/span><\/font>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

If
\nyou don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
\nminutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
\ntomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
\ncausing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
\nhappened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
\nhusband’s cousin’s beautician . . .. <\/span><\/font><\/b>
<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font><\/b><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

Oh,
\nby the way…..<\/span><\/font><\/b>
\n<\/span><\/font>
<\/span><\/font>
A
\nGerman scientist from  Argentina , after a lengthy
\nstudy, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
\ntheir e-mail with their hand on the mouse.<\/span><\/font><\/b><\/p>\n

Don’t
\nbother taking it off now, it’s too<\/span><\/font><\/b> <\/span><\/font><\/b>Late!<\/span><\/font><\/b>
<\/span><\/font><\/b><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Subject: educational e-mails Just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":199,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-925","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nEducational Emails- Don't You Love Them! - The Bible and Culture<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Educational Emails- Don't You Love Them! - The Bible and Culture\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Subject: educational e-mails Just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Bible and Culture\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-12-06T19:26:01+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com\/mail\/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http:\/\/65.55.85.151\/att\/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d54bb5a05-be8f-4749-ba83-83cff780f573.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage001.gif%254001CA179F.1B95EE10%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.18.8&d=d1414&mf=0&a=01_cc651f6b9f4777421331b572b177c33e4a8f6fd7b9e2fd1f0d700c7200e47afb\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Ben Witherington\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Educational Emails- Don't You Love Them! - The Bible and Culture","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Educational Emails- Don't You Love Them! - The Bible and Culture","og_description":"Subject: educational e-mails Just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html","og_site_name":"The Bible and Culture","article_published_time":"2009-12-06T19:26:01+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com\/mail\/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http:\/\/65.55.85.151\/att\/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d54bb5a05-be8f-4749-ba83-83cff780f573.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage001.gif%254001CA179F.1B95EE10%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.18.8&d=d1414&mf=0&a=01_cc651f6b9f4777421331b572b177c33e4a8f6fd7b9e2fd1f0d700c7200e47afb"}],"author":"Ben Witherington","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html","name":"Educational Emails- Don't You Love Them! - The Bible and Culture","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com\/mail\/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http:\/\/65.55.85.151\/att\/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d54bb5a05-be8f-4749-ba83-83cff780f573.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage001.gif%254001CA179F.1B95EE10%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.18.8&d=d1414&mf=0&a=01_cc651f6b9f4777421331b572b177c33e4a8f6fd7b9e2fd1f0d700c7200e47afb","datePublished":"2009-12-06T19:26:01+00:00","dateModified":"2009-12-06T19:26:01+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/#\/schema\/person\/d1fd6c7893819eabc624db38ecfd8426"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com\/mail\/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http:\/\/65.55.85.151\/att\/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d54bb5a05-be8f-4749-ba83-83cff780f573.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage001.gif%254001CA179F.1B95EE10%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.18.8&d=d1414&mf=0&a=01_cc651f6b9f4777421331b572b177c33e4a8f6fd7b9e2fd1f0d700c7200e47afb","contentUrl":"http:\/\/sn110w.snt110.mail.live.com\/mail\/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http:\/\/65.55.85.151\/att\/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d54bb5a05-be8f-4749-ba83-83cff780f573.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuZ2lm%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage001.gif%254001CA179F.1B95EE10%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.18.8&d=d1414&mf=0&a=01_cc651f6b9f4777421331b572b177c33e4a8f6fd7b9e2fd1f0d700c7200e47afb"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/2009\/12\/educational-emails-dont-you-love-them.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Educational Emails– Don’t You Love Them!"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/","name":"The Bible and Culture","description":"All Things Biblical and Christian","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/#\/schema\/person\/d1fd6c7893819eabc624db38ecfd8426","name":"Ben Witherington","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/75e\/75ec11e1916a2008bc4cc638a0a0de2fx96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/75e\/75ec11e1916a2008bc4cc638a0a0de2fx96.jpg","caption":"Ben Witherington"},"description":"Bible scholar Ben Witherington is Amos Professor of New Testament for Doctoral Studies at Asbury Theological Seminary and on the doctoral faculty at St. Andrews University in Scotland. A graduate of UNC, Chapel Hill, he went on to receive the M.Div. degree from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. from the University of Durham in England. He is now considered one of the top evangelical scholars in the world, and is an elected member of the prestigious SNTS, a society dedicated to New Testament studies. Witherington has also taught at Ashland Theological Seminary, Vanderbilt University, Duke Divinity School and Gordon-Conwell. A popular lecturer, Witherington has presented seminars for churches, colleges and biblical meetings not only in the United States but also in England, Estonia, Russia, Europe, South Africa, Zimbabwe and Australia. He has also led tours to Italy, Greece, Turkey, Israel, Jordan, and Egypt. Witherington has written over thirty books, including The Jesus Quest and The Paul Quest, both of which were selected as top biblical studies works by Christianity Today. He also writes for many church and scholarly publications, and is a frequent contributor to the Beliefnet website. Along with many interviews on radio networks across the country, Witherington has been seen on the History Channel, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, The Discovery Channel, A&E, and the PAX Network.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/author\/bwitherington"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/925","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/199"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=925"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/925\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=925"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=925"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/bibleandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=925"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}