{"id":621,"date":"2007-11-08T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2007-11-08T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue\/2007\/11\/sex-night-beyond-blue-balls.html"},"modified":"2007-11-08T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2007-11-08T11:00:00","slug":"sex-night-beyond-blue-balls","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/11\/sex-night-beyond-blue-balls.html","title":{"rendered":"Sex Night: Beyond Blue Balls"},"content":{"rendered":"

The sticker system I\u2019ve been using on David<\/a>\u2014where he gets a sticker for good behavior, which translates into money toward a toy–has been working so well that last night I started Eric on one.
\nWe have, in our house, what some psychologists would call “a problem.” One person sees sex as essential for surviving. The other view it like a car wash\u2014nice, but way down on the list of priorities \u2026 somewhere around cleaning out bathroom closets, organizing photos, or alphabetizing Halloween costumes of past years.
\nLast night was fairly typical. My exhausted self felt the paws of my mate. The people-pleasing half of my brain jumped to appease him<\/a>, to rip off her clothes for a quickie. The bitchy half just wanted her sleep. So I did the math: the last time was \u2026 crap, four night ago. He\u2019s due.
\nNumbers didn\u2019t coerce the bitch. She wasn\u2019t about to move her head from the pillow.
\n\u201cOkay, I can take a hint,\u201d someone said, and rolled over.
\nThat made me feel bad.<\/p>\n


\n\u201cLook,\u201d I said, \u201chere\u2019s the situation. You know I love you more than any other male in this world\u2014well, there\u2019s David, but that\u2019s different. And technically Jesus, too. My not wanting sex has absolutely nothing to do with my desire or love for you. I really hope you understand that.
\n\u201cIt DOES have to do with a stunted libido that 18 years of Catholic education has successfully repressed; large quantities of Zoloft, which makes my climaxing as likely as an immediate solution to global warming<\/a>; and my pituitary meds<\/a> that keep my orgasm on the back of a milk carton (i.e. missing, and worth a reward if found).
\n\u201cAnd I don\u2019t really see where I can change anything. I\u2019m not about to start experimenting with my psych meds because it took me 23 tries to find a cocktail that works. I\u2019m getting used this feeling of wanting to be alive. It\u2019s refreshing change. And now that I have this abnormal aortic-valve problem in my heart, I\u2019m limited to the kinds of medication I can take to treat the pituitary tumor\u2014the kinds that make you hate sex.
\n\u201cSo, my dear one, between my bipolar brain, pituitary tumor, abnormal aortic valve, tilted uterus, and facial fungus, I\u2019m one illness away from a wheelchair\u2014at which point sex would be almost as frequent as if you were married to a Army officer stationed in Iraq.\u201d
\n\u201cSo, do you find any enjoyment in it?\u201d he asked.
\nI thought for a moment. \u201cYeah, sometimes it feels good \u2026 like a nice backrub.\u201d
\n\u201cA backrub?\u201d
\nI looked over and couldn\u2019t bear to see the droopy, puppy-dog eyes anymore. It felt comparable to walking away from the young orphans that I got to hold in Calcutta<\/a>.
\n\u201cLook. How many times a week do you need sex?\u201d I asked my other half.
\n\u201cTwice. At the absolute minimum.\u201d
\n\u201cOkay. Monday and Thursday nights you get your sex. You can count on those two nights. But that means no dropping hints throughout the day on the other days. Or else you lose a sticker. Is that a deal?\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m happy with it,\u201d he said. \u201cExcept that today is Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The sticker system I\u2019ve been using on David\u2014where he gets a sticker for good behavior, which translates into money toward a toy–has been working so well that last night I started Eric on one. We have, in our house, what some psychologists would call “a problem.” One person sees sex as essential for surviving. 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