For a week or so, I\u2019ve been pondering the following question by reader JCH:<\/p>\n
I have also been married for a little over a year. My husband knew on our third or fourth date about my depression and saw it evidenced over our two-year dating relationship. When he proposed I specifically asked if he knew what he was getting into. He said he did but I think he lied. He does not get it. He questions my salvation. He thinks my depressive episodes are selfish. He looks at my easy life and his really hard life (background) and sees that he is able to have hope and I have none and does not think that I am trying hard enough.
\nI have no doubt that it is hard for him. Really.
\nI read your blog and others posts and have done searches about marriage and depression and wonder at the patience of other husbands. What helped them “get” it? how did they switch from frustration to patience and kindness? He wants to “hold me accountable” so that my depression does not become a crutch. nice idea but when I am in my darkest places I need love not lectures. I told him that was my counselors job and he dismissed that idea too.
\nI am drowning and the person who I count on to be my safety net just thinks that I should swim harder.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nI thought that I should take this one to Eric. So I asked my husband what, in particular, has helped him be so supportive and patient with me over the years as someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and a person who exhibits lots of mood fluctuation.
\n“I can\u2019t get mad at you for having bad brain wiring,” he said. \u201cJust like I can’t blame you for having a growth in your pituitary gland.”
\n“But what convinced you that my bipolar disorder was an illness, not a weakness?” I asked him.
\n“I\u2019ve read the reports, I guess. You did your homework and provided the research for me. I suppose I\u2019m more educated now than a lot of people. \u2026. And I don\u2019t hold you accountable because I know that you are doing everything you can to recover: you exercise, eat right, take your meds, go to therapy. It would be a different story if you were sleeping all day, not going outside, eating junk \u2026”
\nI’ll talk more about this tomorrow, as my “How Do You Move Beyond Blue” interview of the week covers this topic.
\nBut right now, I\u2019d say that education is your best tool. Everything starts with education.
\nThat means going online (I’d start with the online mental health online at Revolution Health<\/a>, or with NAMI<\/a> or the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance<\/a>), doing your own research, and printing it out for your husband to read. It means dragging him to your doctors\u2019 appointments, to your therapy, to your support groups. It means having spouses of other depressives call him \u2026 anything that might enlighten him on this topic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"For a week or so, I\u2019ve been pondering the following question by reader JCH: I have also been married for a little over a year. My husband knew on our third or fourth date about my depression and saw it evidenced over our two-year dating relationship. When he proposed I specifically asked if he knew…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-521","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\n
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