{"id":520,"date":"2007-09-27T10:45:00","date_gmt":"2007-09-27T10:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html"},"modified":"2007-09-27T10:45:00","modified_gmt":"2007-09-27T10:45:00","slug":"the-depression-dialogue-with-s","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html","title":{"rendered":"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses"},"content":{"rendered":"

James at “Finding Optimism<\/a>” is devoting several posts to this specific topic because of all of your feedback to his great post “12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression<\/a>” and “Things to Say to Someone with Depression<\/a>.” His wife, Anna, has written some excellent pieces that I am sure will help the mates of us bipolars and depressives. This is the type of stuff reader JCH (who asked the question on my previous post) might want to print out and hand to her husband. Good job James and Anna! Thank you!
\nHere is the first post in the series, called “The Depression Dialogue<\/a>“:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It\u2019s really hard being a carer when all you want to be is a wife, husband, partner, or friend. It\u2019s important to have strategies to deal with different situations and remain in your normal relationship as much as possible. This is what I want to work through in these posts.
\nI\u2019ve learned over time that James and I can relate to each other in a rational manner even when he is ill. This has been a learning process; it hasn\u2019t always been the case. And I still often feel like I\u2019m walking on egg shells depending on the severity of the episode.
\nThe key strategy that I\u2019ve learned is how to talk to James when he is sick, either high or low. When he becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. \u201cAll I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.\u201d You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.
\nAt this point I have 2 options:
\n1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or
\n2. Grit my teeth and say \u201cit\u2019s the illness speaking\u201d. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like \u201cYou sound stressed about work – let\u2019s talk\u201d has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.
\nLately I\u2019ve also been able to say \u201cLet\u2019s talk before you get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking.\u201d This is huge progress for us. It usually results in a fairly sensible conversation.
\nJames says some very hurtful things to me when he\u2019s depressed, but I only tell him how he\u2019s hurt me when he\u2019s better. I wait until he is rational and can deal with it, rather than inflame the situation further when he is ill. I\u2019ve also learned not to take his bait so personally, as I\u2019ve come to recognize it for what it is.
\nIt\u2019s important to know that I couldn\u2019t do this if I didn\u2019t recognize the start of a mood swing. You need to listen to what is really being said before you reply to comments. Is the person sick? Are they really asking for help? Is this a normally held opinion? A few seconds of thought can save a lot of heartbreak.
\nNext time I can get on the computer I\u2019ll write on learning about the illness and recognizing early symptoms.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

James at “Finding Optimism” is devoting several posts to this specific topic because of all of your feedback to his great post “12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression” and “Things to Say to Someone with Depression.” His wife, Anna, has written some excellent pieces that I am sure will help the mates of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Depression Dialogue with Spouses - Beyond Blue<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses - Beyond Blue\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"James at “Finding Optimism” is devoting several posts to this specific topic because of all of your feedback to his great post “12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression” and “Things to Say to Someone with Depression.” His wife, Anna, has written some excellent pieces that I am sure will help the mates of…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Beyond Blue\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2007-09-27T10:45:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Beyond Blue\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses - Beyond Blue","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses - Beyond Blue","og_description":"James at “Finding Optimism” is devoting several posts to this specific topic because of all of your feedback to his great post “12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression” and “Things to Say to Someone with Depression.” His wife, Anna, has written some excellent pieces that I am sure will help the mates of…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html","og_site_name":"Beyond Blue","article_published_time":"2007-09-27T10:45:00+00:00","author":"Beyond Blue","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html","name":"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses - Beyond Blue","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/#website"},"datePublished":"2007-09-27T10:45:00+00:00","dateModified":"2007-09-27T10:45:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/#\/schema\/person\/47318cdf8063cc052eccff0c99db4e75"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/09\/the-depression-dialogue-with-s.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"The Depression Dialogue with Spouses"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/","name":"Beyond Blue","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Therese J. 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