{"id":331,"date":"2007-07-03T11:15:01","date_gmt":"2007-07-03T11:15:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue\/2007\/07\/four-dangerous-selfdelusions.html"},"modified":"2007-07-03T11:15:01","modified_gmt":"2007-07-03T11:15:01","slug":"four-dangerous-selfdelusions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/07\/four-dangerous-selfdelusions.html","title":{"rendered":"Dangerous Self-Delusions"},"content":{"rendered":"

I can\u2019t say for sure what the right thing to do in either case (Angela\u2019s or Julissa\u2019s). However, I think these four characteristics of self-delusion and addictive relationships (in my mind the same as dysfunctional relationships) offered by Howard Halpern (in “How To Break Your Addiction to a Person<\/a>,” not to suggest either of your are “addicted”) begin to ask the right questions that both of you need to answer.
\nThe Attachment Hunger he is referring to is our unmet needs as a child disrupting our current relationships (I agree with this, however, I think he goes too far with it \u2026 so keep that part in proper perspective.)
\nThe following are what he describes as “the self-deceptive maneuvers” you may be using to keep yourself in a destructive situation. My comments are in brackets (as always!).<\/p>\n

1. Rationalization <\/strong>
\nYour Attachment Hunger desperately seeks to maintain the tie no matter how deadly it is, and your thinking processes can often enter into collusion with it, clearing the way for the Attachment Hunger to control your actions. [Basically he is saying that you have all these unmet needs or insecure feelings that don\u2019t allow you to grow spiritually or emotionally as you need to. Fear of abandonment or just plain insecurity in who you are keep you at a destructive place.]
\n2. Idealization [Or the Opposite]<\/strong>
\nWhen someone is your Attachment Fetish Person it is very easy to distort who he is in a way that plays up his good points and diminishes or obscures his bad points. That can be an innocuous or even somewhat helpful distortion that can serve to grease the wheels of the relationship over the inevitable rough spots. But when you idealize traits that are causing you much difficulty, or if your idealization is blinding you to ways the relationship is being harmful, then this idealization becomes a malignant self-delusion. [I would also say the opposite is true. As Babs said, we can get too locked in on a person\u2019s faults, as well, which is equally as damaging. It\u2019s difficult to keep a proper picture of the person in mind, but that\u2019s where real healthy relationships live, or so I\u2019m told.]<\/p>\n


\n3. Unfounded Hope<\/strong>
\nLike the fabled optimistic little boy who, on receiving as a present a crate of manure, grabbed a shovel and said, “There must be a pony in there somewhere,” there are many people who, when they encounter a relationship filled with the distasteful and offensive, search hopefully for signs that there is something better. [Again, it\u2019s trying to get at an authentic picture of your relationship \u2026 I think friends who see both of you interact with each other can help you there. You need to investigate your relationship as if it were a news story you have to cover \u2026 and get all the pieces and evidence together before writing up the story.]
\n4. Maintaining an Illusion<\/strong>
\nOften the rationalization and idealization we have been examining are themselves part of a network of techniques to maintain an illusion. And the basic illusion, which is itself a distortion of reality, is \u201cIf I can be connected to this one person and make it a good, my life will be wonderful, and if I can\u2019t, my life will be horrible, empty, and unhappy.\u201d [Again, he is stressing the need to view the relationship objectively, as if you were an observer. Which is why other input that you trust might be helpful here. And also that nothing is ever black and white. Nor shades of gray. We\u2019re talking primary colors.]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I can\u2019t say for sure what the right thing to do in either case (Angela\u2019s or Julissa\u2019s). However, I think these four characteristics of self-delusion and addictive relationships (in my mind the same as dysfunctional relationships) offered by Howard Halpern (in “How To Break Your Addiction to a Person,” not to suggest either of your…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-331","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nDangerous Self-Delusions - Beyond Blue<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2007\/07\/four-dangerous-selfdelusions.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dangerous Self-Delusions - Beyond Blue\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I can\u2019t say for sure what the right thing to do in either case (Angela\u2019s or Julissa\u2019s). 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