{"id":2367,"date":"2010-09-27T10:00:39","date_gmt":"2010-09-27T10:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue\/2010\/09\/what-perfectionism-looks-like.html"},"modified":"2010-09-27T10:00:39","modified_gmt":"2010-09-27T10:00:39","slug":"what-perfectionism-looks-like","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2010\/09\/what-perfectionism-looks-like.html","title":{"rendered":"Mindful Monday: What’s Your Brick Wall?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"brick<\/span>
\nThis is a piece from my archives. But it’s a good reminder of my brick walls today.<\/em>
\n“Brick walls are there for a reason,” said Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor who so poignantly taught us how to die in the years after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. “They let us prove how badly we want things.”<\/p>\n

I know what my brick wall is because I snuggle up to it every evening, mistaking it for a pillow: perfectionism.<\/p>\n

The demon that has earned the blue ribbon for powers of debilitation in my world is the annoying, high-pitched, squeal of the perfectionist chick who thinks that when a college classmate calls recruiting for help organizing the reunion, the right thing is to say yes. In fact, “yes” is the only word in the irritating broad’s vocabulary.<\/p>\n

“Can you help out with the Halloween party?” “Nnn…….. okay.”<\/p>\n

“Will you chaperone the field trip to the pumpkin patch?” “I caaa…….sure.”<\/p>\n

“Could you organize the ‘Santa’s Run’ fire-department gig for the needy kids? “Nnnnnnn……maybe.”<\/p>\n

I want to be the devoted mom at all the class parties. I want to be the noble citizen who contributes her time to community service. I want to say thank you to my alma mater for the four exceptional years of nurturing and education I received. And I want my traffic numbers for Beyond Blue<\/a> to win me a seat next on Oprah’s set.<\/p>\n

“No really, Oprah, the pleasure is mine.”<\/p>\n

But this equation–best mom, wife, citizen, graduate, blogger–is bad math. Really bad math, comprised of one unrealistic expectation after another.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I know this now. There’s my progress! But I still have to do something about it.<\/p>\n

My memory of slamming into that brick wall two years ago is still so fresh that an alarm sounds in my mind everytime I get too close to the perfectionism prison, and I automatically recall the day I snuck out of Johns Hopkins psych unit to walk around the inner harbor with Eric.<\/p>\n

We sipped Starbucks cappuccinos inside the tall warehouse renovated into a three-story Barnes and Noble. I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, “Eat, Pray, Love,” read her bio on the back cover, and got queasy. Not because I hated her book, but because it triggered the Energizer Bunny dance, the self-destructive jig that the overachieving inner child in me does to win love and acceptance because she believes she has to earn them with impressive accolades.<\/p>\n

“Do you mind if we get out of here?” I asked Eric. For the first time in my life, books made me nauseous. I wanted them out of sight along with anything and everything that belonged to the publishing world–until I had some core of self to go with my bio, until I felt a real connection to God and to the important people in my life, the kind of stuff that doesn’t evaporate with bad royalty figures.<\/p>\n

I boycotted all bookstores for four months, threw out my issues of “Publishers Weekly,” skipped all conferences or workshops–until I could look into the mirror without scowling, until I came up with ten positive qualities about myself that had nothing to do with writing.<\/p>\n

I’ve been hearing the alarm lately–the drumming of the moronic pink bunny–because I’m getting obsessed with the numbers again. If they go up, I make my way to Ben and Jerry’s with a wide smile. If they go down, I make my way to Ben and Jerry’s without a smile. (Either way I still get the chocolate sprinkles.) Which is the major reason I have begun getting up at 5:30 in the morning to begin my day in prayer. Because if I go to God first thing each AM I’m less likely to hit that wall so hard.<\/p>\n

* Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue<\/b><\/a> and click here to follow Therese on Twitter<\/b><\/a> and click here to join Group Beyond Blue<\/b><\/a>, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is a piece from my archives. But it’s a good reminder of my brick walls today. “Brick walls are there for a reason,” said Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor who so poignantly taught us how to die in the years after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. “They let us prove…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2367","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-inspiration-and-prayer","category-mental-health"],"yoast_head":"\nMindful Monday: What's Your Brick Wall? - Beyond Blue<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2010\/09\/what-perfectionism-looks-like.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mindful Monday: What's Your Brick Wall? - Beyond Blue\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This is a piece from my archives. 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Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet.com. She is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist. 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