{"id":1870,"date":"2009-07-20T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-07-20T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue\/2009\/07\/mindful-monday-loving-the-stra.html"},"modified":"2009-07-20T10:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-07-20T10:00:00","slug":"mindful-monday-loving-the-stra","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beyondblue\/2009\/07\/mindful-monday-loving-the-stra.html","title":{"rendered":"Mindful Monday: Loving the Stranger Who Is You"},"content":{"rendered":"

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We’re hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through the week!<\/em><\/p>\n

On the CD of Elisha Goldstein’s mindfulness exercise<\/a> he recites Derek Walcott’s poem, “Love after Love”:<\/p>\n

The time will come
\nWhen with elation,
\nyou will greet yourself arriving
\nat your own door in your own mirror,
\nand each will smile at the other’s welcome,
\nand say, sit here. Eat.
\nYou will love again the stranger who was your self.
\nGive wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
\nto itself, to the stranger who has loved you
\nall your life, whom you have ignored
\nfor another, who knows you by heart.
\nTake down the love letters from the bookshelf,
\nthe photographs, the desperate notes,
\npeel your own image from the mirror.
\nSit. Feast on your life.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I’ve been reading it everyday because I’m just now walking to the door where my true self lives. I can identify the moments where I accidentally take a detour because my body speaks up: I experience a pinch in my stomach like the one I feel before speaking to a large crowd, and an accompanying nausea. Like I could pass up a plate of chocolate-cookies. I want to burst into tears but I try to hold back until I am alone.
\nIn “The Inner Voice of Love,”<\/a> Henri Nouwen writes:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not yet fully received. Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved–that is, fully received–by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others….You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I fluctuate between period of security, when I know that I am loved by my husband and family, friends and pets. And then, for some reason, the security goes bye-bye, and in my neediness I start grabbing for the relationships where I know I am not fed and nurtured. I demand that a friend gives more to me than she is capable of. I hop into my emotional ambulance and try to rescue the hurting–where I convince myself that if I save my friend from her suffering, then she can give me what I need. But the irony of this rescue mission is that the more energy I expend on manipulating this relationship to cover my needs, the more vulnerable and exposed I feel. Writing this all down makes me see how ridiculous the cycle really is.<\/p>\n

I know the difference between loving unconditionally and loving with stipulations. When I send an email with no expectations and don’t hear back, I sometimes forget that I sent the email. It certainly doesn’t interrupt my day. But when I press send, expecting to hear “thank you” within two days and don’t hear “thank you” until day five, a hysteria ensues in that is hard to channel and control. That’s because I have sent the email or made the phone call or sent the gift from a place where I am not yet received, as Nouwen would explain. He writes:<\/p>\n

You need the other to experience inner wholeness, to have a sense of wellbeing. You have become emotionally dependent on the other and sink into depression because of his or her absence. It feels as if the other has taken away a part of you that you cannot live without. Then the pain of absence reveals a certain lack of trust in God’s love. But God is enough for you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I’m getting there, though, as my stomach ache and nausea now point me to the door of freedom, to the door of my true self, where I shall love the stranger who is I.<\/p>\n

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beyondblue<\/a>, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

To subscribe to “Beyond Blue” click here.<\/a><\/p>\n

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