{"id":9271,"date":"2014-09-27T16:20:51","date_gmt":"2014-09-27T20:20:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beginnersheart\/?p=9271"},"modified":"2014-09-27T16:20:51","modified_gmt":"2014-09-27T20:20:51","slug":"love-and-mirroring-or-we-are-not-our-faults","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beginnersheart\/2014\/09\/love-and-mirroring-or-we-are-not-our-faults.html","title":{"rendered":"love and mirroring, or, we are not our faults"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"vanity<\/a>I’m not (I think…?) a needy person, someone who seeks love and affirmation for everything s\/he does. What I do like is when I can just love folks. My folks, of course — not as good w\/ the whole hoi polloi<\/em>. My friends, family, the people I journey with.<\/p>\n

Love is a pretty good mirror, actually. My sisters & sons & beloved — as well as various dear friends, family, colleagues…they think I don’t see them as they really are. I’d contend that we rarely see ourselves<\/em> objectively, as we really are. I’m far better at seeing you clearly than you are.<\/p>\n

For instance: I know that my elder son can be judgmental. So can I. And my younger son is occasionally brusque. So is his father. My beloved is impatient (to a fault!). My mother was often moody under stress, my father flamed when angry.<\/p>\n

What each of them doesn’t see — and what I do — is their incredible generousity, their commitment to learning, their compassion for underdogs and the less fortunate. How they were patient w\/ me when I most needed it, loving as I required it. What my sisters, who are certain I ‘just love them,’ never realise is that they are not their faults. None of us is. That’s where love is the best of mirrors.<\/p>\n

\"via<\/a>
via wikipedia<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I’m not blind to faults. They just don’t mean so much, because your faults are outweighed by so many more important things. Are you tight with money (always under-estimating your share of the bill), as one of my friends is? Okay, but far more important is how incredibly giving you are w\/ your personal time, your support, and your many skill sets. Do you sometimes blow up when you’re tired? Or forget to email me back in a timely fashion? Or misspell something in a FB post? Well, you also push yourself farther for your friends than almost anyone I know. Ultimately, doesn’t that latter outweigh all the former?<\/p>\n

What about the way you take care of your aging parent(s)? The tenderness you show your child(ren)? The stray animals you rescue and help? Self-concept theories say we are what WE see. But we’re so much more than that. Where in this model of self-concept do you include how I see you, any of you whom I love…? Where is there room for your goofy sense of humour, your erudition, your ability to fix a computer by walking in the room?<\/p>\n

This is the best part of loving people, in my none-too-humble opinion: mirroring back to them what I<\/em> see when I look into their faces. So don’t tell me I don’t see you clearly: I ‘just love’ you. Yes. I do. And it gives me far clearer vision than yours.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m not (I think…?) a needy person, someone who seeks love and affirmation for everything s\/he does. What I do like is when I can just love folks. My folks, of course — not as good w\/ the whole hoi polloi. My friends, family, the people I journey with. Love is a pretty good mirror,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":398,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[314,397],"tags":[11,1181,1187,262,1281,880,881],"class_list":["post-9271","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-friendship","category-love","tag-beginners-heart","tag-britton-gildersleeve","tag-buddhism","tag-buddhist-blogs","tag-love","tag-mirroring","tag-self-concept"],"yoast_head":"\nlove and mirroring, or, we are not our faults - Beginner's Heart<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I'm not (I think...?) a needy person, someone who seeks love and affirmation for everything s\/he does. What I do like is when I can just love folks. 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