{"id":2830,"date":"2012-02-06T14:53:37","date_gmt":"2012-02-06T19:53:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/beginnersheart\/?p=2830"},"modified":"2012-02-06T14:53:37","modified_gmt":"2012-02-06T19:53:37","slug":"the-price-of-reflection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/beginnersheart\/2012\/02\/the-price-of-reflection.html","title":{"rendered":"the price of reflection ~"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m not so good at taking my own advice, she said,<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Guilt. That’s what 5 minutes of reflection costs. Well, maybe that’s the price of temper… And the reflection is just… maturity? Buddhist empathy? Naaw… It’s guilt. I recognise it from childhood.<\/p>\n

Here’s the deal: I write almost daily about learning beginner’s heart. About learning how to be more compassionate, more reflective. More alive within the moment. But sometimes, being alive in the moment means I blow. Up, to be precise. At … whatever.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Someone I love is sick. And thus cranky, as we’re wont to be when we don’t feel well. And both sick & cranky for several weeks. Now, we need to detour here to my lack of patience. It is NOT one of my strengths. I can cook. I can speak French. I actually have an ear for music and language. And I can write. But ask me for patience and I turn my spiritual pockets inside out, empty.<\/p>\n

So I blew up. At this poor sick person, nursing a fever, a raging sinus infection, and a bad headache, to boot. YELLED. LOUDLY. Enough to raise if not the dead, at least any nearby zombies.<\/p>\n

I can’t take that back. And within a matter of an hour or so I cooled off (I was pretty hot). And then? Well, beginner’s heart kicked in. And I felt terrible. Guilty. Like a total fraud. And a loud, hot-tempered one, at that!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It took me all day to day to forgive myself. Not the poor sickie. Myself. Far harder, isn’t it? But just as necessary. Because I don’t have to live w\/ anyone else. Just me, on the inside of me. And that’s why<\/em> beginner’s heart is so important. So we can practice it ~ inside out.<\/p>\n

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I’m not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right. Guilt. That’s what 5 minutes of reflection costs. Well, maybe that’s the price of temper… And the reflection is just… maturity? Buddhist empathy? Naaw… It’s guilt. I recognise it from childhood. Here’s the deal: I…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":398,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,17,15],"tags":[11,1181,1187,262],"class_list":["post-2830","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-britton-gildersleeve","category-buddhism","category-compassion","tag-beginners-heart","tag-britton-gildersleeve","tag-buddhism","tag-buddhist-blogs"],"yoast_head":"\nthe price of reflection ~ - Beginner's Heart<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I'm not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's right. Guilt. 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Years spent living on the margins - in places with exotic names and food shortages - have left her with a visceral response to folks \u2018without,\u2019 as well as a desire to live her Buddhism in an engaged fashion. She\u2019s a writer and a teacher, the former director of a federal non-profit for teachers who write. She believes that if we talk to each other, we can learn to love each other (but she's still learning how). And she believes in tea. 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