For all of their ultimately irreconcilable differences, there nevertheless exists among the world\u2019s wisdom traditions a trans-cultural, trans-historical consensus regarding the primary importance of identifying the nature of ultimate reality.<\/p>\n
To put it another way, they all agree that, at the conceptual level, there is a basic distinction between reality and appearance, the world and our perceptions of the world.<\/p>\n
They also agree that most people conflate the two, mistaking appearances for the genuine article.<\/p>\n
The conventional wisdom, in other words, is nearly always incorrect.<\/p>\n
Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same, and nothing is new under the sun.<\/p>\n
The prevailing orthodoxy of our own place and time is wrongheaded on many scores. \u00a0Here, I\u2019d like to consider its dogma on conflict-resolution, the proposition that it advances as a categorical imperative:<\/p>\n
Whatever your problems with others, you must always<\/em> talk them out and, ideally, in person<\/em>. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n We\u2019re all too familiar with this injunction.\u00a0 It has both a simplicity and a plausibility that mesmerizes us into assuming, without a second\u2019s more thought, that it must be true.<\/p>\n But is it?<\/p>\n I submit that it isn\u2019t even close to being correct.<\/p>\n (1)While it\u2019s undeniably true that a live, three dimensional exchange\u2014being constituted, as it is, by tones, inflections, facial expressions, and other nuances precluded by the written medium\u2014appears, all things being equal, to offer a superior mode of communication for resolving problems, this is hardly always the case.<\/p>\n In fact, face-to-face exchanges, because they are occurring in real time, and within the heat of the moment, so to speak, can obscure meaning, enflame passions, and actually exacerbate the conflict.<\/p>\n For this reason, a written message could<\/em>, in the appropriate set of circumstances, be more conducive toward the amelioration of a problem than a face-to-face encounter promises to be.\u00a0 This being said, some qualifications should be heeded:<\/p>\n (a)The message should be crafted with great care.\u00a0 The messenger must seek to articulate his or her concerns with as much meticulousness as possible.\u00a0 This is necessary for more than one reason:<\/p>\n First, it obviates the imprecision of expression that, due to the sensitive nature of the topics in question, not infrequently attends to face-to-face exchanges, for the latter are often interspersed with episodic eruptions of emotions.\u00a0 Additionally, because of the unease of broaching potentially relationship-ending subjects, it\u2019s not uncommon for the interlocutors to suppress their true feelings and thoughts, or, perhaps, refuse, even if subconsciously, to genuinely hear what the other person is saying.<\/p>\n Second, the very fact that one took the time to invest as much thoughtfulness as is required to compose a thorough, meticulous message underscores to the recipient the value that the messenger assigns to both the recipient and the relationship that exists between them.<\/p>\n (b) A written message should only ever be composed to make both messenger and recipient better <\/em>in some sense.\u00a0 Even if the message embodies the messenger\u2019s reasons for terminating the relationship, both messenger and recipient are enriched inasmuch as they are made cognizant <\/em>of the standing of their relationship to an extent that they wouldn\u2019t have been otherwise.<\/p>\n The messenger, that is, must be motivated by no other consideration other than that of expressing him or herself in a manner that empowers both messenger and recipient in ways that they wouldn\u2019t and couldn\u2019t have been had the issue(s) addressed been communicated face-to-face.\u00a0 Even if neither messenger nor recipient experiences an iota of pleasure over the exchange, even if both experience considerable pain, the written message must aim toward the mutual edification of both messenger and recipient.<\/p>\n To put this another way, a person who writes a message only because he or she feels less inhibited to say things, and say them in ways that the person wouldn\u2019t so much as remotely have thought of doing in the presence of the person against whom the messenger\u2019s fury is directed writes in bad faith<\/em>.<\/p>\n The objective of substituting a written message for a spoken conversation is and must only ever be that of greater <\/em>communication: The messenger decides to express a problem in a written medium, rather than face-to-face, because the messenger determines that he or she can articulate him or herself more clearly, more truthfully, more civilly, and maybe even more lovingly (depending upon the nature of the relationship) than would otherwise be possible in a face-to-face setting.<\/p>\n Those who abuse the medium of writing analogously to the way in which a person abuses alcohol\u2014with an eye toward throwing caution to the wind and expressing themselves with reckless abandon\u2014aren\u2019t in the least concerned with improving communication.\u00a0 Just as alcohol is commonly referred to as \u201cliquid courage,\u201d or \u201ccourage in a bottle,\u201d so too, we can say, that the person who writes in bad faith resorts to \u201cwritten courage,\u201d or \u201ccourage in the written word.\u201d<\/p>\n Of course, there\u2019s nothing courageous about it.\u00a0 Such people do not write constructively, but destructively.\u00a0 They undermine their relationships and those whom they address.<\/p>\n (2) Some things people should never express, neither through the spoken nor the written word, to those with whom they have a problem.<\/p>\n (a) People should develop the self-awareness to recognize when their problems with those with whom they have a relationship are actually their <\/em>problems\u2014and theirs alone.<\/p>\n Everyone is dealing with their own share of shit that they\u2019ve accumulated throughout their lives.\u00a0 It is not only irresponsible, but outright cruel, for a person to blame others who didn\u2019t have a thing to do with any of it.<\/p>\n Those with a reasonable degree of emotional intelligence and the level of maturity befitting an adult know this to be true and seek to live by it in their relationships.<\/p>\n (b)Even when those with whom one has some kind of relationship or other do indeed say or do things that don\u2019t exactly tickle one pink, this most emphatically does not mean that one is thereby obligated to address these things\u2014whether in the flesh or through writing.<\/p>\n People will live richer lives if they learn to follow another piece of conventional wisdom that most certainly does contain much wisdom: Select your battles carefully.<\/p>\n Some things, and possibly most, must be accepted for what they are.<\/p>\n By now, it should be clear that the ultimate criterion for determining what needs to be accepted and what needs to be addressed is one and the same as that which enables us to determine when the communication of problems should be expressed through writing and when they should be expressed orally, in person.<\/p>\n The criterion is: What\u2019s Best for the Relationship<\/em>.<\/p>\n As long as people consult this principle, they can rest assured that whatever they do, they know that they acted in good faith.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" For all of their ultimately irreconcilable differences, there nevertheless exists among the world\u2019s wisdom traditions a trans-cultural, trans-historical consensus regarding the primary importance of identifying the nature of ultimate reality. To put it another way, they all agree that, at the conceptual level, there is a basic distinction between reality and appearance, the world and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":399,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2391","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n