{"id":2280,"date":"2021-03-18T13:07:31","date_gmt":"2021-03-18T17:07:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/?p=2280"},"modified":"2021-03-18T13:07:31","modified_gmt":"2021-03-18T17:07:31","slug":"online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html","title":{"rendered":"Online Dating: A Man’s Perspective II"},"content":{"rendered":"

In a previous essay, I shared, or purported to share, some reflections upon online dating from the perspective of a man<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Before continuing in that same vein, I should make explicit what was only implicit (though, I think, clear enough) in that piece: My perspective is that of a heterosexual <\/em>man who, as such, sees only women\u2019s profiles.<\/p>\n

Another point: Some of these reflections are universal, i.e. they are insights that could be borne out by the experience of both men and women.<\/p>\n

One such common experience is that had courtesy of the relative anonymity made possible by the online venue.<\/p>\n

I refer to the phenomenon of bad manners.\u00a0 <\/em>The ability to continue swiping through what seems like an infinite supply of potential prospects, all of whom appear no more real than any character in a video game, makes it all too easy for most to treat real, flesh-and-blood human beings as if they were, well, characters in a video game.<\/p>\n

The stone cold truth of the matter is that most people\u2014not all, but most\u2014are not particularly courageous. \u00a0They are not genuinely strong, and aren\u2019t much interested in becoming stronger.\u00a0 This is evident wherever and whenever <\/em>we look: Most people behave no differently than any other herd animal inasmuch as they prefer to follow the herd, to go along to get along (2020 underscored this sociological fact in spades).<\/p>\n

The refusal to acknowledge the humanity in strangers online is the path of least resistance.\u00a0 It\u2019s easier than either taking the time to express one\u2019s thoughts civilly and respectfully or just gracefully exiting the scene.<\/p>\n

Of course, what I\u2019m describing here is not peculiar to online dating.\u00a0 It is a universally observed feature of social media as well.\u00a0 The common denominator, obviously, is the physical distance inherent in the online venue.\u00a0 Most people\u2014again, certainly not all, but most\u2014effortlessly, and apparently in the face of dead silence on behalf of their conscience, avail themselves of this grand opportunity, this systemic<\/em> anonymity, to cast all inhibitions to the wind and unleash their inner beasts.<\/p>\n

So, what\u2019s a decent person, and, specifically, a decent man<\/em> to do in the online dating world?<\/p>\n

Simple: Reframe and recreate.<\/p>\n

Reframe: Every item of information, whether good, bad, indifferent; correct or incorrect; useful or trivial\u2014all inputs are processed within a framework<\/em> that is the product of the experiences of a person or, more accurately, his perceptions <\/em>of his experiences.\u00a0 Frameworks typically exist unnoticed, for they develop over time, subconsciously.<\/p>\n

A person may have a history of troubled relationships, or perhaps of rejections, or maybe he hasn\u2019t such a bad history at all. \u00a0\u00a0Whatever the circumstances, and for whatever reasons, he now interprets himself and his interactions with women in terms of the lens of a framework that has undoubtedly been years in the making.\u00a0 \u00a0Consequently, he can find himself feeling confused, frustrated, depressed, comprehensively, not good<\/em>, anytime he has what he takes to be a negative encounter with a woman.<\/p>\n

But he can, first, recognize that his is not an unmediated experience with reality as such.\u00a0 He is relying upon the same framework through which he\u2019s been interpreting his life for a long time. Once, then, he realizes that this framework is an artifact, something that he learned, <\/em>he can un<\/em>learn it.\u00a0 To put it more positively, he can discard it and learn something new.\u00a0 He can adopt a new framework.\u00a0 He can reframe his experiences, both past and present.<\/p>\n

And here is where reframing and recreation converge: The logic of reframing one\u2019s experiences leads inexorably to the reframing, or recreating, <\/em>of one\u2019s very identity.<\/p>\n

I am relatively new to the online dating thing.\u00a0 Nor can I say that my own experiences have been particularly bad or painful (but there\u2019s a reason for that I\u2019ll get into below).\u00a0 But I know of others, men and women, who have had a brutal time, and I can certainly understand how it is that\u2014given their self-understandings, worldviews, priorities\u2014many, and probably most, people, feel like they\u2019ve been put through the ringer by online dating.<\/p>\n

This, however, is all that much more reason for them to reframe and recreate.<\/p>\n

Most people (or so it seems) proceed from a position of want<\/em>.\u00a0 The focus with which their search begins is on their emptiness<\/em>, their lack<\/em>.\u00a0 They ache desperately (to judge from the overwhelming majority of the women\u2019s profiles that I\u2019ve perused) to find that one<\/em> person who (they wrongly believe) will complete<\/em> them.<\/p>\n

Their painful awareness of what they lack, and equally painful craving to satisfy that desire leads them to become self-absorbed, exceedingly so.\u00a0 Undoubtedly, they are oblivious to this.\u00a0 But this is as unavoidable as is the self-absorption of a person who has been lost at sea and can think of nothing other than of the provisions with which those who may come to his rescue will supply him.\u00a0 The analogy (like all analogies) is imperfect, but the point here is that when one\u2019s concentration is upon what one is missing <\/em>from one\u2019s life\u2014even on what one feels one needs<\/em>\u2014then the self-absorption is inevitable.<\/p>\n

This self-absorption becomes glaring, and much more so in the online dating world than in real life, for the former showcases profiles<\/em> that distill in no more than a few hundred words precisely that which people claim they want or need. \u00a0Relatively little, and sometimes nothing at all, is said about what these people ache to give.<\/em><\/p>\n

For this reason\u2014and you can mark my words on this\u2014they are forever destined to remain single and unhappy. \u00a0Yet they are the authors of their own destinies, for, unbeknownst to themselves, they are operating from weakness<\/em>.<\/p>\n

All is not hopeless.\u00a0 They can reframe and recreate.<\/p>\n

How?\u00a0 For those who are interested, I offer the following tips:<\/p>\n

First, and most fundamentally, be strong<\/em>, not weak. \u00a0Work tirelessly, in deed, thought, and feeling, to make yourself into a person who doesn\u2019t lack <\/em>something that only another person can fill, but who swells with resources, with gifts from God for which you are eternally grateful. <\/em>\u00a0These gifts\u2014which include the will, the passion, and the endless opportunities to develop physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually\u2014a grateful person would like<\/em>, but certainly feel no need, to share with someone who could<\/em> become a significant other with gifts of her own to share with you.<\/p>\n

In other words, stop seeing yourself as a person in need of \u201clove\u201d by some clone of yours who you have yet to meet. \u00a0You must recognize the potential value within yourself and then seek diligently to actualize that value.\u00a0 This may sound clich\u00e9, but it is the truth.<\/p>\n

Or we can look at it this way, if you want that badly to connect with the person of your dreams, then make sure that you<\/em> are someone worthy <\/em>of being with such a person. \u00a0This much is for sure: A person who would presume to place on a finite human being\u2019s shoulders the burden of producing and sustaining her (or his) happiness acts cruelly, for such a burden is intolerable.\u00a0 It is neither possible nor desirable that the endeavor should even be attempted.<\/p>\n

Second, given this last point, while doing online dating, one is well-advised to look<\/em> for nothing beyond the pleasure that can be had from simply meeting new people.\u00a0 It is an experience. This doesn\u2019t mean that one is not open to meeting someone with whom one may have a committed relationship eventually.\u00a0 And it doesn\u2019t mean that one is on a quest for one-night stands.<\/p>\n

It simply means that, given one\u2019s own self-confidence and all of the satisfaction that it brings, a person is not disappointed or otherwise frustrated by not meeting Mr. or Ms. Right.\u00a0 The self-confident, those who know their own worth, appreciate all encounters, even those that others will view as \u201cnegative,\u201d because those with self-worth recognize every experience as an opportunity for self-discovery and self-creation.<\/p>\n

By reframing one\u2019s self-conception and one\u2019s online dating experience, one can see possibilities that, though they have always existed, were invisible within the old framework.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In a previous essay, I shared, or purported to share, some reflections upon online dating from the perspective of a man. Before continuing in that same vein, I should make explicit what was only implicit (though, I think, clear enough) in that piece: My perspective is that of a heterosexual man who, as such, sees…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":399,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2280","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nOnline Dating: A Man's Perspective II<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Online Dating: A Man's Perspective II\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In a previous essay, I shared, or purported to share, some reflections upon online dating from the perspective of a man. Before continuing in that same vein, I should make explicit what was only implicit (though, I think, clear enough) in that piece: My perspective is that of a heterosexual man who, as such, sees…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"At the Intersection of Faith and Culture\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-18T17:07:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Jack Kerwick\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Online Dating: A Man's Perspective II","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"nofollow"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Online Dating: A Man's Perspective II","og_description":"In a previous essay, I shared, or purported to share, some reflections upon online dating from the perspective of a man. Before continuing in that same vein, I should make explicit what was only implicit (though, I think, clear enough) in that piece: My perspective is that of a heterosexual man who, as such, sees…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html","og_site_name":"At the Intersection of Faith and Culture","article_published_time":"2021-03-18T17:07:31+00:00","author":"Jack Kerwick","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html","name":"Online Dating: A Man's Perspective II","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/#website"},"datePublished":"2021-03-18T17:07:31+00:00","dateModified":"2021-03-18T17:07:31+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/#\/schema\/person\/6832222998cc14717ded1849531201c5"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/2021\/03\/online-dating-a-mans-perspective-ii.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Online Dating: A Man’s Perspective II"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/","name":"At the Intersection of Faith and Culture","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Jack Kerwick","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/#\/schema\/person\/6832222998cc14717ded1849531201c5","name":"Jack Kerwick","description":"I have a Ph.D. in philosophy from Temple University, a master's degree in philosophy from Baylor University, and a bachelor's degree in philosophy and religious studies from Wingate University. I teach philosophy at several colleges in the New Jersey and Pennsylvania areas.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.jackkerwick.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/author\/jkerwick"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2280","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/399"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2280"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2280\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2283,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2280\/revisions\/2283"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2280"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2280"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/attheintersectionoffaithandculture\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}