{"id":934,"date":"2012-04-30T04:07:21","date_gmt":"2012-04-30T04:07:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=934"},"modified":"2012-04-30T04:07:21","modified_gmt":"2012-04-30T04:07:21","slug":"qa-how-do-i-stop-picking-the-wrong-guys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/04\/qa-how-do-i-stop-picking-the-wrong-guys.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: How do I stop picking the wrong guys?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
If you don't believe it, no one else will.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring<\/a>:
\n\u201cHi, I am one of those “good girls” faling in love with “bad boys”. With a dad who was never at home and a mental unstabil mum. You say, we can not trust our first instinc in love! Then how can I ever know how to pick? I am confused. Thank you very much\u201d<\/p>\n

And,
\n\u201cHi, I am one of those “good girls” that always fall in love with bad boys! My dad was always absence during my childhood and my mum very emotional unstabil. Our relationship is mostly bad. How can I, if I cannot trust my instincs, know what guy to pick?\u201d<\/p>\n

These questions are so similar, it seems like they were probably submitted by the same person.
\nSo first, let us break this down into pieces:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You are a \u2018good girl\u2019.<\/li>\n
  2. You tend to \u2018fall in love\u2019 with \u2018bad boys\u2019.<\/li>\n
  3. Your dad was never home \/ absent when you were growing up.<\/li>\n
  4. Your mom is \u2018emotionally unstable\u2019.<\/li>\n
  5. Your relationship is \u2018mostly bad\u2019 (with whom? Mom? Dad? Both?)<\/li>\n
  6. I said you can\u2019t trust your instincts when it comes to love (sort of).<\/li>\n
  7. Now you are confused, and don\u2019t know how to choose a good guy.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    We talked recently about why \u2018good girls like bad boys<\/a>\u2019, and it\u2019s true that often times it is rooted in bad relationships with our parents and trauma from the past. \u00a0Quite often, this kind of traumatic upbringing can leave us with Dr. Drew calls \u2018a broken picker\u2019. \u00a0\u00a0I’ve\u00a0talked before about how I spent years stuck in a cycle of picking variously damaged girls<\/a> that I could \u2018help\u2019.\u00a0 And, when I found \u2018good\u2019 ones, I would basically get bored with the relationship and move on.\u00a0 It\u00a0wasn’t\u00a0until I was able to recognize this about myself, that I was able to be open and available to a relationship with the right person.<\/p>\n

    So, how do you apply this?
    \nChances are extremely high<\/em> that you choose emotionally unavailable men, guys who cheat, leave, or all of the above.\u00a0 Chances are also high that you find yourself in situations where you continue giving affection to people who don\u2019t appreciate it, or don\u2019t return it.\u00a0 And, when confronted with a guy who is open, honest, and with minimal baggage, you either\u00a0aren’t\u00a0attracted to him at all, or don\u2019t feel like     you are good enough<\/a> for him.<\/p>\n

    First and foremost: forgive your mom and dad for what they did, and whatever they didn\u2019t do<\/a>.\u00a0 \u00a0Especially if your mom really is mentally unstable<\/a>, you have to learn to control what you make that mean.\u00a0 After you forgive them, you have to forgive yourself<\/em>\u00a0for everything that has and has not happened up until now.\u00a0 \u00a0See, right now you are finding ways to recreate the same emotionally toxic relationships over and over.<\/p>\n

    Forgiveness is the only way to create space to create something better.
    \nOnce you have forgiven them and yourself, or at least starting the process of     letting go of all that baggage<\/a>, then comes the hard part:\u00a0 letting go of jerks.<\/p>\n

    Since the sad fact is, you can\u2019t<\/em> trust your instincts.\u00a0 Like every other sort of addict, you will always<\/span> be naturally attracted to the wrong kind of guy, just like I am still naturally attracted to the wrong kind of girl.\u00a0 But, once you know this about yourself, you can stop falling for it.<\/p>\n

    It may be that you have to give that \u2018good guy\u2019 a chance, even though he doesn\u2019t immediately give you that tingle in your tummy.\u00a0 Or, if you dare to give that \u2018bad boy\u2019 a chance, you LEAVE HIM the moment he starts acting like all the others have before him.<\/p>\n

    Since remember, there is only one thing that all your bad relationships have in common, and that is *you*.\u00a0 The good news is, you are the only thing all the good guys will have in common, too!<\/p>\n

    And by the way: if you aren\u2019t sure where to find those \u2018good guys\u2019, this will help<\/a>!<\/p>\n

    You are great, and I love you!<\/p>\n

    And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

    B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

    Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

    Find out more about me:
    \n    http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

    Ask me anything:
    \n    http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

    Pages I support:
    \n    Jesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

    Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

    Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

    \u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    (Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring: \u201cHi, I am one of those “good girls” faling in love with “bad boys”. With a dad who was never at home and a mental unstabil mum. You say, we can not trust our first instinc in love! Then how can I ever know how to pick? I am confused.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,80,39,116,35,114,29,81,38,31,46,88,28,112,41,43,48,45,30,78],"tags":[3,44,34,13,12,54,11,109,70,36,6,14,23,53,25,51,24,5,42,50,56,32],"class_list":["post-934","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-family","category-fear","category-friends","category-getting-over-it","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-mind","category-peace","category-pessimism","category-positive-thinking","category-relationships-2","category-spirituality","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-god","tag-guilt","tag-hope","tag-law-of-attraction","tag-life-coach","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-rise-up","tag-self-talk","tag-spiritual-but-not-religious","tag-stress","tag-who-are-you"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: How do I stop picking the wrong guys? - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/04\/qa-how-do-i-stop-picking-the-wrong-guys.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: How do I stop picking the wrong guys? - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring: \u201cHi, I am one of those “good girls” faling in love with “bad boys”. 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He is the author of one book, \"49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money\". For years, friends and relatives looked to him for guidance and support during difficult times, and he realized at an early age that his purpose in life was to serve and inspire. While touring as a personal coach with a prominent rock band, he was discovered by one of the top trainers of the Anthony Robbins companies, which lead to him settling down to open and operate a Marketing, Business Services and Coaching firm in Los Angeles. Armed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, he brings the same discipline and determination that helped him earn Black Belt rankings in Shaolin Kung Fu and Tai Chi to all areas of study and focus. In addition to earning a degree in English from Morehouse College, he has mastered the science of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and other communication, healing, counseling and spiritual systems from all over the world. 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