{"id":927,"date":"2012-04-29T02:16:21","date_gmt":"2012-04-29T02:16:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=927"},"modified":"2012-04-29T02:16:21","modified_gmt":"2012-04-29T02:16:21","slug":"qa-the-married-man-and-the-34-year-old-virgin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/04\/qa-the-married-man-and-the-34-year-old-virgin.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: The married man and the 34 year old virgin"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Question submitted via Formspring<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cI am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. In dating, I have yet to trust anyone enough to take that from me. A long-time friend I trust has watched me struggle over the years, and offered a “virginity pact” – moral problem: he’s married\u201d<\/p>\n

We talked about this one in a recent episode<\/a> of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: Getting people to listen to and *like* you! Why the Secret doesn’t work for some people, a 34 year old virgin, How to know if someone is ‘the one’, why we obsess about celebrities, wealth, fame, and more!<\/strong>
\nHowever, there is a lot more to say about this particular question.\u00a0 Let\u2019s start by breaking this one down into pieces:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You are 34.<\/li>\n
  2. You believe you are one of the \u2018oldest living\u2019 virgins, aka you are too old to still be a virgin.<\/li>\n
  3. You have dated in the past.<\/li>\n
  4. But, you have yet to \u2018trust\u2019 anyone enough to take<\/em> your virginity.<\/li>\n
  5. You are capable of trusting at least one guy (the \u2018long time friend\u2019).<\/li>\n
  6. You have \u2018struggled\u2019 over the years with this.<\/li>\n
  7. The friend offered you a \u2018virginity pact\u2019, aka he\u2019d sleep with you if you were still a virgin past X point\u2026a point you are probably at or past.<\/li>\n
  8. He is married.<\/li>\n
  9. You are aware that that is a \u2018moral problem\u2019, but still considering it\u2026or you wouldn\u2019t have submitted this question.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Based on your comment about not \u2018trusting\u2019 a guy enough to \u2018take\u2019 your virginity\u2026not a man to give it to, or share it with\u2026but TAKE it, it would seem like you have significant issues connecting with men emotionally.<\/p>\n

    This type of emotional disconnect usually stems from one main source: physical abuse.
    \nSometimes<\/em> massive emotional abuse can cause it, but an inability\/unwillingness to be physically intimate usually comes from a history of unwilling intimacy in the past, usually by a trusted male like a father, brother, or close family friend.\u00a0 Of course, a person can choose to remain a virgin for religious reasons, but considering that wasn\u2019t included in the question (and you are contemplating sleeping with a married man), that doesn\u2019t seem to be the case here.<\/p>\n

    My advice to you: first and foremost, resolve your pain from the past<\/a>.
    \nWhatever happened before now, be it abuse, dad not being around, or all of the above, is clouding your ability to be available in the present moment.\u00a0 And it\u2019s clear that you don\u2019t want to keep \u2018struggling\u2019 with this, so now is a good time to put this burden down before you waste any more years of your life.<\/p>\n

    But most importantly: DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MARRIED MAN.
    \n<\/strong>Nothing, and I mean nothing<\/em> good can come from it. \u00a0\u00a0If all you are after is a physical experience,     finding a guy to sleep with you won\u2019t be hard at all<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Even if his wife is seemingly OK with it, it does not matter<\/em>.\u00a0 You have 30+ years of pain and baggage connected to your sexuality; if you are looking for a deeper emotional intimacy, a married man can\u2019t give it to you.\u00a0 Trying to get it from him will only compromise one of your few \u201chealthy\u201d relationships with a man, and ultimately drive you further from an actual healthy, loving relationship.\u00a0 After all, you already have trust issues; why would you get involved with someone untrustworthy enough to cheat on his wife?<\/p>\n

    Instead, spend this time and effort getting to the bottom of what is stopping you from being open, available, and even vulnerable in your intimate relationships; once you are able to truly love yourself<\/a>, you’ll be able to create the space to let someone else love you. \u00a0 The alternative is the worst thing possible: nothing<\/span>.<\/p>\n

    You are great, and I love you!<\/p>\n

    And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

    B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

    Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

    Find out more about me:
    \n    http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

    Ask me anything:
    \n    http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

    Pages I support:
    \n    Jesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

    Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

    Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

    \u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cI am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. In dating, I have yet to trust anyone enough to take that from me. A long-time friend I trust has watched me struggle over the years, and offered a “virginity pact” – moral problem: he’s married\u201d We talked…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,39,116,35,15,114,29,81,38,46,88,28,112,41,43,48,45,30,78],"tags":[3,34,13,12,54,11,109,82,70,36,14,23,53,26,25,51,24,5,42,50,18],"class_list":["post-927","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-fear","category-friends","category-getting-over-it","category-god","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-yourself","category-mind","category-peace","category-pessimism","category-positive-thinking","category-relationships-2","category-spirituality","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-god","tag-grief","tag-guilt","tag-hope","tag-life-coach","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-rise-up","tag-self-talk","tag-spiritual-but-not-religious","tag-spiritual-coach"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: The married man and the 34 year old virgin - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/04\/qa-the-married-man-and-the-34-year-old-virgin.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: The married man and the 34 year old virgin - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cI am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. 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