{"id":848,"date":"2012-03-31T17:51:21","date_gmt":"2012-03-31T17:51:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=848"},"modified":"2012-03-31T17:51:21","modified_gmt":"2012-03-31T17:51:21","slug":"qa-i-am-married-to-an-addict-and-dont-know-how-to-leave","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/03\/qa-i-am-married-to-an-addict-and-dont-know-how-to-leave.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: \u201cI am married to an addict and don\u2019t know how to leave\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
When will enough be enough?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cFemale married for 17 years, 47, 16 year old son. Husband drinks heavily and also addicted to prescription meds. I am not happy. Scared of what he might do if I try to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

And,<\/p>\n

\u201cI have been in a relationship with a guy for 14yrs and he is a functional alcoholic. Our relationship is not normal and i am unhappy, to top it off we share a mortgage, which is in both our names, what’s the best way to get out the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

We talked recently about a woman trapped in a loveless marriage that she\u00a0didn’t\u00a0know how to leave<\/a>, and these two questions were submitted by other Readers right afterwards.\u00a0 These two questions are different, but related; so let us look at them both here.<\/p>\n

The first question:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You have been married for 17 years, and had a child within your first year of marriage\u2026 (Did you get married because you were pregnant?)<\/li>\n
  2. Your husband drinks and is addicted to prescription meds.<\/li>\n
  3. You are not happy.<\/li>\n
  4. And you are scared of what he might do if you try to leave.\u00a0 Why is that?\u00a0 Does he have a history of aggression or abuse?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The second question:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. You have been in a relationship for 14 years and not married\u2026why?<\/li>\n
    2. He is a functional alcoholic.<\/li>\n
    3. Your relation ship is \u2018not normal\u2019 (not normal how?)<\/li>\n
    4. You are not happy.<\/li>\n
    5. You share a mortgage in both of your names, and<\/li>\n
    6. You want to get out of the relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      One thing I didn\u2019t notice in either question was whether or not you\u2019ve sought counseling or any other sort of help to repair the relationship up until now.\u00a0 Relationships don\u2019t stay happy and fulfilling on their own, and like anything they take quite a bit of work and maintenance to keep them running smoothly.<\/p>\n

      We have talked before about how to know\u00a0whether or not you should stay and fight or move on from a bad relationship<\/a>; and there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself:<\/p>\n

      Do you even want this person back? Is this relationship really worth your time?
      \nHere is a test that I\u2019ve used hundreds of times to determine if a relationship is worth staying in. If you\u2019re honest with yourself, it is 100% accurate:
      \nDo you spend more time being happy with this person, enjoying one another, and thinking wonderful loving thoughts;
      \nOr
      \nDo you spend more time fighting, arguing, being unhappy, or wondering if you\u2019re happy. Because if you have to ask if you\u2019re happy: you aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

      Whichever one of these you decide is your answer: if you spend more time happy, stay and\u00a0fight<\/a>\u00a0to make it work; if you spend more time unhappy, it\u2019s time to go.<\/p>\n

      But there is one VERY important thing that both of you need to deal with, and that is both men\u2019s substance abuse problems; you won\u2019t be able to get anywhere until those issues are faced and dealt with.<\/p>\n

      Breaking an addiction takes two things: professional help, and more importantly, a willingness to change.\u00a0 People often mistake addiction, mental illnesses, and other \u2018internal\u2019 issues as something they can change on their own, and addicts are notorious for believing they are in control when in reality they are destroying themselves.<\/p>\n

      But be clear on something:\u00a0 just like if a person had cancer or heart disease, you wouldn\u2019t expect them to be able to cure themselves, addicts can\u2019t either.\u00a0 Addiction does not happen in a vacuum, and it will take professional help to help unravel all the baggage, trauma, and history that has lead them both down this path.<\/p>\n

      The only way that you can possibly stay is if they get help, and there are many resources online to help you figure out how to get a loved one to go into rehab<\/a>.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0And whether or not he is willing to go into some sort of you treatment, you<\/em> and your son<\/em> will need to talk to someone as well to help you deal with what has happened over the last 16 years.\u00a0\u00a0 Also remember that often times addiction is hereditary, and you don\u2019t want your son to be trapped following in his father\u2019s footsteps.<\/p>\n

      However, to answer your specific questions: if you want to leave, leave.<\/p>\n

      If he threatens you, call the police, leave while he\u2019s at work, or both.<\/p>\n

      As far as the house goes, sell it, or let him buy you out; a house is just a thing, especially when it\u2019s not a home.\u00a0 The worst case scenario is you cut your losses; you lose the house and maybe damage your credit, but you gain freedom and happiness\u2026what\u2019s more valuable?<\/p>\n

      So to review:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Decide if you are really done or not.<\/li>\n
      2. Get him to go to therapy\/rehab if you decide to work on it, and leave if he refuses; things won\u2019t change until he does.<\/li>\n
      3. If you are already done, leave now anyway.<\/li>\n
      4. If he becomes violent or aggressive, call the authorities.<\/li>\n
      5. Move on and be happy with your life.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!<\/p>\n

        You are great, and I love you!<\/p>\n

        And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

        B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

        Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

        Find out more about me:
        \n        http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

        Ask me anything:
        \n        http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

        Pages I support:
        \n        Jesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

        Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

        Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

        \u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        (Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring: \u201cFemale married for 17 years, 47, 16 year old son. Husband drinks heavily and also addicted to prescription meds. I am not happy. Scared of what he might do if I try to leave.\u201d And, \u201cI have been in a relationship with a guy for 14yrs and he is a…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,80,39,35,114,29,81,38,31,28,43,45,30,78],"tags":[3,44,34,13,12,54,11,82,14,22,23,53,26,25,51,24,42,56],"class_list":["post-848","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-family","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-peace","category-relationships-2","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-grief","tag-life-coach","tag-los-angeles","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-self-talk","tag-stress"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: \u201cI am married to an addict and don\u2019t know how to leave\u201d - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/03\/qa-i-am-married-to-an-addict-and-dont-know-how-to-leave.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: \u201cI am married to an addict and don\u2019t know how to leave\u201d - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring: \u201cFemale married for 17 years, 47, 16 year old son. 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