{"id":839,"date":"2012-03-27T23:16:31","date_gmt":"2012-03-27T23:16:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=839"},"modified":"2012-03-28T08:15:47","modified_gmt":"2012-03-28T08:15:47","slug":"qa-im-stuck-in-a-loveless-marriage-but-afraid-to-leave","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/03\/qa-im-stuck-in-a-loveless-marriage-but-afraid-to-leave.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: “I’m stuck in a loveless marriage, but afraid to leave….”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
What's broken is broken...why are you keeping it?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

(Unedited) Question submitted via Formspring<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cFemale married 20 yrs-no kids, 55. Marriage went bad 10 yrs ago when finances went bad. Stayed bc couldn’t afford not to, tried to work it out. No love. Met someone, but he will not physically meet unless divorced. Scared to leave, but want to be happy\u201d<\/p>\n

So, let\u2019s break this down into pieces:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You\u2019ve been married for 20 years, 10 of which have been \u2018bad\u2019.<\/li>\n
  2. You tried to work it out, but apparently couldn\u2019t.<\/li>\n
  3. Now there is \u2018no love\u2019 in the relationship, but<\/li>\n
  4. You stay because you can\u2019t afford to leave.<\/li>\n
  5. You \u201cmet\u201d someone, (apparently online, since you haven\u2019t met face to face).<\/li>\n
  6. He WON\u2019T meet you until you are divorced (rightly so).<\/li>\n
  7. You \u2018want to be happy\u2019, but<\/li>\n
  8. You are \u2018scared to leave\u2019.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    My question to you is: scared of what?
    \n<\/em>What could be worse than having wasted TEN YEARS of your life being unhappy in an unfulfilling relationship? \u00a0More importantly, what is it in you that makes you think you don\u2019t deserve any better?<\/p>\n

    It looks like you are thinking of this as one question, but the truth is there are TWO<\/strong> questions you need to answer:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Do I want to stay with my husband, yes or no?<\/li>\n
    2. Do I want to pursue a relationship with this new man, or anyone else; yes or no?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      It is a mistake to think in terms of leaving your husband for<\/em> this other man, since if it doesn\u2019t work out you\u2019ll inevitably feel like you made a mistake, or God forbid try to go back to him.<\/p>\n

      So let us look at the first question.\u00a0\u00a0 We have talked before about how to know whether or not you should stay and fight or move on from a bad relationship<\/a>; and there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself:<\/p>\n

      Do you even want this person back? Is this relationship really worth your time?
      \nHere is a test that I\u2019ve used hundreds of times to determine if a relationship is worth staying in. If you\u2019re honest with yourself, it is 100% accurate:
      \nDo you spend more time being happy with this person, enjoying one another, and thinking wonderful loving thoughts;
      \nOr
      \nDo you spend more time fighting, arguing, being unhappy, or wondering if you\u2019re happy. Because if you have to ask if you\u2019re happy: you aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

      Whichever one of these you decide is your answer: if you spend more time happy, stay and\u00a0fight<\/a>\u00a0to make it work; if you spend more time unhappy, it\u2019s time to go.<\/p>\n

      If what you say is true, and there really is \u2018no love\u2019 left, then this question answers itself.<\/p>\n

      \u2018Not being able to afford to leave\u2019 is an excuse; you\u2019ve had ten years<\/em> to work something out, and instead chose to stay unhappy.\u00a0 You could have gotten PHD\u2019s in two different things in that time; the Civil War and World War 2 combined took 10 years!<\/p>\n

      Chances are high that once you leave you\u2019ll qualify for some sort of alimony payment from your soon-to-be ex-husband, but even if you don\u2019t: what\u2019s the worst case scenario?\u00a0 You have to downsize your life for a short time\u2026but you get peace and your freedom, which are worth WAY more than whatever creature comforts you currently have.
      \nSince those things apparently aren\u2019t making you happy, anyway!<\/p>\n

      So, on to the second question:<\/p>\n

      This man is absolutely right for not wanting to get involved until you are free and clear of your current relationship; otherwise it\u2019s nothing short of adultery. \u00a0And no matter what your husband has done or not done, he\u00a0doesn’t\u00a0deserve to get cheated on<\/a>; no one does.<\/p>\n

      But, as I said before: don\u2019t think of this as leaving FOR this new guy; it may or may not work out.\u00a0 Online relationships can be notoriously fickle<\/a>; since his best self is interacting with your best self.\u00a0 You are taking everything positive about him and comparing it against everything<\/strong> your husband does or doesn\u2019t do, and that isn\u2019t fair.<\/p>\n

      That is why my advice is to leave your current relationship, first.\u00a0 You aren\u2019t leaving for the new guy, you are leaving for you<\/em>, and the fact that you deserve to be happy; and quite frankly so does your husband.<\/p>\n

      What is the point of spending 50 or 60 more years just STUCK together?<\/p>\n

      Don\u2019t be afraid of what might happen after you leave, but you should be very<\/em> afraid of what happens if you stay: and that\u2019s nothing.<\/p>\n

      Just remember to take things SLOWLY with this new guy, or whoever else you choose to date.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been off the market since Clinton was in office, and 10 of those years have been difficult and emotionally draining; don\u2019t be in too big of a hurry to jump back into another intense committed relationship.\u00a0 Just enjoy one another and let things grow as they will.<\/p>\n

      And, if for some reason it doesn\u2019t work out with the new guy, and you feel like you want to go back: another loveless, unfulfilling, messed up relationship won\u2019t be hard to find!<\/p>\n

      What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!<\/p>\n

      You are great, and I love you!<\/p>\n

      And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

      B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

      Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

      Find out more about me:
      \n      http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

      Ask me anything:
      \n      http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

      Pages I support:
      \n      Jesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

      Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

      Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

      \u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      (Unedited) Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cFemale married 20 yrs-no kids, 55. Marriage went bad 10 yrs ago when finances went bad. Stayed bc couldn’t afford not to, tried to work it out. No love. Met someone, but he will not physically meet unless divorced. Scared to leave, but want to be happy\u201d So, let\u2019s break…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,80,39,35,29,81,38,92,31,46,28,112,43,45,30,78],"tags":[3,44,34,13,12,54,11,36,14,22,23,53,26,25,51,24,42,56],"class_list":["post-839","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-family","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-loss","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-peace","category-pessimism","category-relationships-2","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-hope","tag-life-coach","tag-los-angeles","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-self-talk","tag-stress"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: "I'm stuck in a loveless marriage, but afraid to leave...." - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/03\/qa-im-stuck-in-a-loveless-marriage-but-afraid-to-leave.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: "I'm stuck in a loveless marriage, but afraid to leave...." - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(Unedited) Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cFemale married 20 yrs-no kids, 55. Marriage went bad 10 yrs ago when finances went bad. Stayed bc couldn’t afford not to, tried to work it out. No love. Met someone, but he will not physically meet unless divorced. Scared to leave, but want to be happy\u201d So, let\u2019s break…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/03\/qa-im-stuck-in-a-loveless-marriage-but-afraid-to-leave.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-03-27T23:16:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-03-28T08:15:47+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/03\/Divorce-300x199.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"B. 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He is the author of one book, \"49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money\". For years, friends and relatives looked to him for guidance and support during difficult times, and he realized at an early age that his purpose in life was to serve and inspire. While touring as a personal coach with a prominent rock band, he was discovered by one of the top trainers of the Anthony Robbins companies, which lead to him settling down to open and operate a Marketing, Business Services and Coaching firm in Los Angeles. Armed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, he brings the same discipline and determination that helped him earn Black Belt rankings in Shaolin Kung Fu and Tai Chi to all areas of study and focus. In addition to earning a degree in English from Morehouse College, he has mastered the science of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and other communication, healing, counseling and spiritual systems from all over the world. 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