{"id":509,"date":"2012-01-04T04:20:44","date_gmt":"2012-01-04T04:20:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=509"},"modified":"2012-01-04T04:48:23","modified_gmt":"2012-01-04T04:48:23","slug":"why-cant-i-let-him-go-or-tainted-love-ii","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/01\/why-cant-i-let-him-go-or-tainted-love-ii.html","title":{"rendered":"“Why can’t I let him go;” Or, Tainted Love II"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Sometimes the pain is part of the healing<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring<\/a>:
\n\u201cI was watching your\u00a0video clip ‘Tainted love’<\/a>\u00a0& EVERYTHING you were speaking of is me.
\nI am in a relationship with a man who cheats, lies & really is a hypocrite. But still I stay.
\nI recently figured out that ‘love’ is not enough. I totally agree with you.
\nI tried to tell him that his response was ‘love conquers all’ I disagree. I’ve even gotten to the point of telling him not to love me anymore but to just CARE about me & how his bull makes me feel.
\nMy question to you is: I know he’s no good, I know I could never trust him, I know when I look at him & we are speaking to each other I’m questioning every sentence…why am I afraid to leave? Why do I feel bad for this ‘man’? Why do I feel if I let go I’m going to miss out on something? I honestly think I’m going crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, there is good news, and there is bad news:
\nThe good news is, you aren\u2019t going crazy. The bad news is you are going sane in a crazy situation!
\nLet\u2019s review:
\n1. You can never trust him (a problem)
\n2. When you talk, you are questioning everything (no communication == no relationship)
\n3. He is \u2018no good\u2019 and has shown no real interest in changing.<\/p>\n

If you look at it from his perspective, why *should* he change? So far, he does whatever he wants and you accept it; so what\u2019s his motivation to stop?<\/p>\n

So, to answer your question as to why you are afraid to leave: the answer is simple, but it\u2019s not easy.
\nThe reason why you are afraid to leave is that *you don\u2019t really believe you deserve better*.<\/p>\n

Something inside of you has chosen that you deserve to be treated this way, or at least don\u2019t really deserve to be treated better.<\/p>\n

Look back at your past relationships is this a pattern that has repeated? Choosing bad guys, and \/ or driving the \u2018good\u2019 guys away\u2026maybe because they were \u201ctoo nice\u201d?<\/p>\n

Maybe when you were growing up your dad, or another important male in your life treated you or even your mother this way-or wasn\u2019t around at all-and you learned at an early age that this sort of neglect and disrespect is what \u2018love\u2019 looked like, and you\u2019ve been playing it out ever since.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, even though being able to see this pattern means you can change it, it doesn\u2019t mean it is going to be easy. In fact, it\u2019s probably going to be hard as hell!
\nYou have a lifetime\u2019s worth of living into this self-image, and it will take time to\u00a0start to truly love yourself<\/a>\u00a0and realize you don\u2019t have to put up with this sort of treatment.<\/p>\n

At some point, you\u2019ll have to decide enough is enough and leave. You\u2019ll be sad, but don\u2019t go back; you\u2019ll miss him, but don\u2019t go back; he\u2019ll beg and possibly even change a little bit for a little while; but DON\u2019T GO BACK.<\/p>\n

Remember, words lie but actions tell the truth. It doesn\u2019t matter what he says, he clearly doesn\u2019t believe you deserve better\u2026do you?<\/p>\n

Every moment of love and attention you are giving to him is love and attention you are taking away from yourself.<\/p>\n

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!<\/p>\n

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:
\nhttp:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask me anything:
\nhttp:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha\u00a0<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— \u00a0A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cI was watching your\u00a0video clip ‘Tainted love’\u00a0& EVERYTHING you were speaking of is me. I am in a relationship with a man who cheats, lies & really is a hypocrite. But still I stay. I recently figured out that ‘love’ is not enough. I totally agree with you. I tried to tell…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,39,35,81,38,31,46,41,43,45,30,78],"tags":[4,3,44,13,12,54,11,36,6,23,53,26,25,51,24],"class_list":["post-509","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-positive-thinking","category-relationships-2","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-all-about-you","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-hope","tag-law-of-attraction","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\n"Why can't I let him go;" Or, Tainted Love II - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/01\/why-cant-i-let-him-go-or-tainted-love-ii.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\""Why can't I let him go;" Or, Tainted Love II - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cI was watching your\u00a0video clip ‘Tainted love’\u00a0& EVERYTHING you were speaking of is me. 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He is the author of one book, \"49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money\". For years, friends and relatives looked to him for guidance and support during difficult times, and he realized at an early age that his purpose in life was to serve and inspire. While touring as a personal coach with a prominent rock band, he was discovered by one of the top trainers of the Anthony Robbins companies, which lead to him settling down to open and operate a Marketing, Business Services and Coaching firm in Los Angeles. Armed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, he brings the same discipline and determination that helped him earn Black Belt rankings in Shaolin Kung Fu and Tai Chi to all areas of study and focus. In addition to earning a degree in English from Morehouse College, he has mastered the science of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and other communication, healing, counseling and spiritual systems from all over the world. He brings his empathy, insight, and vast personal experience into all his relationships, which has lead to him being one of the most sought after Coaches in the world today. He lives in Burbank, California with his wife and two daughters.","sameAs":["http:\/\/about.me\/bdavewalters"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/author\/dwalters"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/509","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/450"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=509"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/509\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":520,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/509\/revisions\/520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=509"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=509"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=509"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}