{"id":275,"date":"2011-11-15T23:33:33","date_gmt":"2011-11-15T23:33:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=275"},"modified":"2011-11-16T00:53:56","modified_gmt":"2011-11-16T00:53:56","slug":"pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html","title":{"rendered":"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my!"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"http:\/\/pix.motivatedphotos.com\/2008\/8\/14\/633543387524313739-masturbation.jpg\"<\/a>
Tell them to knock first next time!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Unedited questions\u00a0submitted via Formspring<\/a>:
\n\u201cI have a great girlfriend and we have a good sex life. But I watch porn everyday and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried to stop but after about a week I go back to my old ways. She would be very upset if she found out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI masturbate every day thinking bout my GF, I know its bad when its too much but I am helpless at times because I miss her , what should I do? I am really depressed ? How to control it ? Thank u ….\u201d<\/p>\n

These may seem like two different questions, but I post them here because the two are highly related: the morality and immorality of pornography and masturbation (since no one watches porn just to watch it).
\nAlso, both questions deal with seeming addictions off a sexual nature<\/p>\n

First and foremost, here is the best way to know if you are addicted to porn, masturbation, or anything else: if it is causing you negative repercussions and you are doing it anyway, then you are addicted.<\/p>\n

As for whether or not these things are ‘wrong’, most every religion and culture has some opinion on the matter. The Christian Bible has many verses warning against ‘sexual immorality’, without ever clearly stating what ‘immorality’ is! On the one hand it says things like
\n“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). But, then it has an entire book dedicated to graphically describing sex between two unmarried people…one of which was married to someone else! (The Song of Solomon).<\/p>\n

We’ve spoken before about how\u00a0there is no single ‘correct’ system of morality or immorality<\/a>; most anything we hold to be absolutely true someone else holds to be absolutely false, so the true benchmark of right and wrong can only be found within the confines of your own mind and heart.<\/p>\n

The reality is, Human Beings are sexual creatures, we are born with certain urges and desires that were placed in our hearts by our Creator. It’s possible to believe our own natural urges were placed there by some sort of Adversary or Devil, but to believe that means you believe God is so weak He can’t control His own Creation; something I personally can not accept.<\/p>\n

So, then, if it is is normal and natural to feel certain urges which ALL of us experience, then why would safely expressing them in a way that is not hurting us or anyone else, be ‘wrong’? And if even wanting to do something is truly the same as doing it, then all of us are damned in advance; but that just doesn’t\u00a0seem what God is really like<\/a>.
\nAlso, notice that anyone who is too adamant about what you should and should not do sexually, probably expects you to do what *they * tell you to do in this and every other area of your life.<\/p>\n

The reality is looking at pornography or masturbating are neither good nor bad in and of themselves; like watching football or listening to opera isn’t bad in and of itself. If you begin to mistake either of these activities for what love or sex is really like, then that is a problem; since\u00a0real sex<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0and porn sex are basically unrelated. And as we said before, if doing these things are costing you in your real life, in the sense of damaging relationships, missed work or other obligations, etc. then you may need to look into getting some help.<\/p>\n

There is one wild card variable in all of this, however: and that is people who are sexual abuse survivors. People who were touched inappropriately as children often grow up to have warped sexual sensibilities that can manifest in unhealthy ways. If you have had something like this in your past and now you are having unhealthy sexual appetites (be it too much, or too little) then you really should seek some sort of professional help.<\/p>\n

So, let us look specifically at these two questions specifically:
\nFor the first question, why are you ashamed, and why would she be upset?
\nDo you have some particular fetish that you think is unusual, or embarrassing? Is it something you can keep private, or do you think you will have to express it inevitably? If you like something that is extremely unusual (I hesitate to use the word perverse) than it may be better to keep it to yourself or stop doing it completely.<\/p>\n

Have you tried talking to her about it? Be sure to let her realize you aren’t looking at these things because something is wrong with her, and that it truly isn’t the same as going out and doing it. In my personal\u00a0relationships coaching experience<\/a>, most women are at least somewhat open to the idea of pornography, but almost never on the level that men are. This is because\u00a0sex for men and women are two VASTLY different experiences<\/a>. Your average woman who caught her man looking at porn would think he’s doing it because something is wrong with her; a man who caught his woman looking at porn would think it’s HOT!<\/p>\n

As for the second question:
\nGive up the idea that it’s ‘too much’; the reality is that it is what it is.
\nSome guys, especially younger guys, can go many times in a day; so if you have the time, desire and the opportunity, have at it.
\nThe deeper question is, where is this girl and why do you miss her? Is she still your girlfriend and just not around as often as you’d like, or did you break up with her? If your relationship is on the rocks, or if you are currently single holing yourself up in your room self-servicing yourself is not the best way to find a new relationship!<\/p>\n

The reality is, sexuality is natural and attempting to repress it will NEVER work for long (just look at all the ‘holy men’ sex scandals in the world).
\nThe goal, then is to find a way to express it in a healthy way that isn’t hurting you or anyone else; what one or more consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business.
\nWhether or not it is ‘wrong’ or not will be debated for eternity.
\nIf someone tries to convince you that it’s wrong, I’d say that they are almost CERTAINLY a hypocrite, and on the off chance they aren’t: tell them if they believe that then don’t look at porn and don’t masturbate. Easy.<\/p>\n

It is really no one else’s business what you do and don’t do, AS LONG AS you aren’t hurting yourself or someone else with your behavior.<\/p>\n

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters<\/p>\n

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:
\nhttp:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask me anything:
\nhttp:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha\u00a0<\/a>\u00a0(Interfaith dialog)<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0(Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>: A safe place to come find more reasons to smile!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Unedited questions\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cI have a great girlfriend and we have a good sex life. But I watch porn everyday and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried to stop but after about a week I go back to my old ways. She would be very upset if she found out.\u201d \u201cI masturbate every day thinking…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,39,15,29,38,31,43,49,48,45],"tags":[57,3,44,69,12,11,109,36,9,23,63,64,51,24,59,42,50],"class_list":["post-275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-fear","category-god","category-happiness","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-relationships-2","category-religion","category-spirituality","category-tainted-love","tag-abuse","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-christianity","tag-emotions","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-god","tag-hope","tag-jesus","tag-love","tag-paul","tag-paulianity","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-scripture","tag-self-talk","tag-spiritual-but-not-religious"],"yoast_head":"\nPornography, masturbation, and sin oh my! - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my! - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Unedited questions\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cI have a great girlfriend and we have a good sex life. But I watch porn everyday and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried to stop but after about a week I go back to my old ways. She would be very upset if she found out.\u201d \u201cI masturbate every day thinking…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-11-15T23:33:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2011-11-16T00:53:56+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2011\/11\/resized_633543387524313739_masturbation.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"B. Dave Walters\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my! - A Reason to Smile","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my! - A Reason to Smile","og_description":"Unedited questions\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cI have a great girlfriend and we have a good sex life. But I watch porn everyday and I feel ashamed. I’ve tried to stop but after about a week I go back to my old ways. She would be very upset if she found out.\u201d \u201cI masturbate every day thinking…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html","og_site_name":"A Reason to Smile","article_published_time":"2011-11-15T23:33:33+00:00","article_modified_time":"2011-11-16T00:53:56+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2011\/11\/resized_633543387524313739_masturbation.jpg"}],"author":"B. Dave Walters","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html","name":"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my! - A Reason to Smile","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2011\/11\/resized_633543387524313739_masturbation.jpg","datePublished":"2011-11-15T23:33:33+00:00","dateModified":"2011-11-16T00:53:56+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#\/schema\/person\/bcf42d892eff535aad3a062b7d9534c9"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2011\/11\/resized_633543387524313739_masturbation.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2011\/11\/resized_633543387524313739_masturbation.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2011\/11\/pornography-masturbation-and-sin-oh-my.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Pornography, masturbation, and sin oh my!"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/","name":"A Reason to Smile","description":"Beliefnet Voices - B. Dave Walters","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#\/schema\/person\/bcf42d892eff535aad3a062b7d9534c9","name":"B. Dave Walters","description":"B. Dave Walters is like a mix between Joel Osteen, Tony Robbins, and the Old Spice Guy. He is the winner of the \"Be the Next Beleifnet Featured Blogger\" contest for Beliefnet.com in the Hope & Inspiration category. He is also the host of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters on Party 93.4 FM out of Hudson Valley, New York, as well as a nationally syndicated columnist on the topics of spirituality and relationships for the Examiner.com. He is the author of one book, \"49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money\". For years, friends and relatives looked to him for guidance and support during difficult times, and he realized at an early age that his purpose in life was to serve and inspire. While touring as a personal coach with a prominent rock band, he was discovered by one of the top trainers of the Anthony Robbins companies, which lead to him settling down to open and operate a Marketing, Business Services and Coaching firm in Los Angeles. Armed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, he brings the same discipline and determination that helped him earn Black Belt rankings in Shaolin Kung Fu and Tai Chi to all areas of study and focus. In addition to earning a degree in English from Morehouse College, he has mastered the science of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and other communication, healing, counseling and spiritual systems from all over the world. He brings his empathy, insight, and vast personal experience into all his relationships, which has lead to him being one of the most sought after Coaches in the world today. He lives in Burbank, California with his wife and two daughters.","sameAs":["http:\/\/about.me\/bdavewalters"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/author\/dwalters"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/450"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=275"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":289,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275\/revisions\/289"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=275"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=275"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=275"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}