{"id":1334,"date":"2014-03-30T19:21:18","date_gmt":"2014-03-30T19:21:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/?p=1334"},"modified":"2014-03-30T19:21:18","modified_gmt":"2014-03-30T19:21:18","slug":"qa-i-love-him-but-im-afraid-all-he-wants-is-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2014\/03\/qa-i-love-him-but-im-afraid-all-he-wants-is-sex.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: I love him, but I\u2019m afraid all he wants is sex"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Don't<\/a>
Don’t create the problem….<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Question submitted via Formspring<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Walters, I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. We spend lots of time together, sometimes he\u2019ll call me just to chat and to see how I\u2019m doing, he\u2019ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I\u2019m alone at home. Unfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed. I feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he\u2019ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready.<\/p>\n

There was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, \u2018\u2019What, you don\u2019t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.\u2019\u2019 I really think he\u2019s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I\u2019m worried that the more time goes on, the more I\u2019ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I\u2019m already obsessing about when he\u2019ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I\u2019m torn between my needs and his. His last words to me were, \u2018\u2019let\u2019s stay like this for now and all the rest we\u2019ll see. Let\u2019s take it one day at a time sweetie\u2019\u2019 . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it\u2019s really tearing at my heart\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

As always, let us first break this down into pieces:
\n\u201cI’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. \u201c That\u2019s not a lot of time!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe spend lots of time together, sometimes he\u2019ll call me just to chat and to see how I\u2019m doing, he\u2019ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I\u2019m alone at home. \u201c So he\u2019s attentive and affectionate, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n

\u201cUnfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed.\u201d A guy who\u2019s taking all the sex he can get? Also sounds pretty normal!<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he\u2019ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready. \u201cNot wanting to commit after such a short period of time is normal, and pending how long he was with his ex and how long ago the break up was, he may not be ready to any time soon.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, \u2018\u2019What, you don\u2019t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.\u2019\u2019 \u2018For a while you were just sleeping together\u2019\u2026so that means you\u2019re doing more than that now?\u00a0 You asked him about committing even earlier<\/i> in the relationship and although he hesitated, he still took the time to reassure you.<\/p>\n

\u201cI really think he\u2019s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I\u2019m worried that the more time goes on, the more I\u2019ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I\u2019m already obsessing about when he\u2019ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I\u2019m torn between my needs and his. \u201c Yes, but besides a label on your relationship, what exactly is it that you need that he\u2019s not giving? And while wondering when you\u2019ll next hear from someone you love is totally normal, *obsessing* over it is not healthy, no.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis last words to me were, \u2018\u2019let\u2019s stay like this for now and all the rest we\u2019ll see. Let\u2019s take it one day at a time sweetie\u2019\u2019 . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it\u2019s really tearing at my heart\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

So, to be clear: After less than 90 days you have a guy who seems to be interested in you, who\u2019s affectionate, thoughtful, open and caring\u2026and that\u2019s bad because he doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship?<\/p>\n

It seems the issue is that your relationship got off on the wrong foot: You started with a foundation of sex that you are trying to turn into a foundation of love, and that\u2019s a tough shift to make.\u00a0 Ultimately, there are only two things you need to do now.<\/p>\n

First: Be patient.\u00a0 Everything you are describing is a healthy pace for a new relationship, especially one that got physical quickly AND has someone coming off a bad breakup.\u00a0 Stressing because it\u2019s not moving as fast as you want it to is just going to create a problem out of nowhere and complicate what you’ve got.<\/p>\n

Second: Be very clear with him on what you need.\u00a0 The issue isn’t a title, or a commitment; the issue is that you are looking for reassurance.\u00a0 You want to know that he wants you for more than your body, which is understandable.\u00a0 So if you want to go out and do more things together, say so.\u00a0 If you want to have dates that you have to get dressed up for, let him know.\u00a0 Understand that you’ve already allowed sex to become a major component of your relationship, and if you try to remove, or even reduce that now, he will withdraw from you.<\/p>\n

It seems like you have a good man who cares about you, and that\u2019s a good thing.\u00a0 It seems he\u2019s trying not to let his unresolved baggage, issues, and trauma from the past sabotage this one, and you need to do the same.\u00a0 Notice, that you allowed him to form an early expectation of being able to come over to spend all your time together in bed\u2026probably because you wanted him to love you.\u00a0 And even now, your number one fear is that he doesn\u2019t really<\/i> love you now.<\/p>\n

Look back at your past relationships and see how many times this pattern has played out; if I had to wager a guess it\u2019s happened multiple times.\u00a0 The only way to free yourself from this pattern is forgiveness.\u00a0 Forgiving yourself for what you’ve done (and not done) and forgiving everyone who\u2019s hurt you in the past<\/a>. That\u2019s the only way you can create the space to let this relationship grow into something healthy and lasting.<\/p>\n

But in the meantime, relax and enjoy him.\u00a0 Don\u2019t spoil what you have obsessing over how you want it to be.<\/p>\n

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:\u00a0http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask me anything:\u00a0http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cMr. Walters, I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. We spend lots of time together, sometimes he\u2019ll call me just to chat and to see how I\u2019m doing, he\u2019ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I\u2019m alone at home. 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