{"id":1122,"date":"2012-10-07T23:38:47","date_gmt":"2012-10-07T23:38:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=1122"},"modified":"2012-10-07T23:38:47","modified_gmt":"2012-10-07T23:38:47","slug":"qa-i-thought-he-was-the-one-but-now-im-not-so-sure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/10\/qa-i-thought-he-was-the-one-but-now-im-not-so-sure.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: \u2018I thought he was the one, but now I\u2019m not so sure\u2026.\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Sometimes you just have to let him go<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cThings started out so great. I thought I found “the one”. Now he is nice half the time, and angry the other half. I feel like I walk on eggshells. I don’t want to leave because I know how much I would miss him but I don’t want to be yelled at anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

The short answer is: leave.<\/p>\n

Because you know who else is nice half the time?\u00a0 Werewolves, the Incredible Hulk, Dr. Jekyll, and anyone else who is nice until they turn into a monster\u2026and they make bad boyfriends, too!<\/p>\n

Now for the longer answer, let\u2019s break this down into pieces:
\nThings started out so great, which is the same as saying they aren\u2019t great now.\u00a0 How long has it been?<\/p>\n

You thought you found \u2018the one<\/a>\u2019<\/p>\n

. Again, past tense; which means you know he\u2019s not \u2018the one\u2019 now.<\/p>\n

He is nice half the time, and angry the other half of the time; put a pin in that one, we\u2019ll come back to it.<\/p>\n

You feel like you have to walk on eggshells, presumably because of how his yelling and how he treats you, since I\u2019ve yet to find a guy who yells and screams but treats you like a lady.<\/p>\n

And yet, you don\u2019t want to leave because you know you would miss him.\u00a0It seems like the \u2018him\u2019 you would miss, is already gone.<\/p>\n

Now, assuming you won\u2019t take my advice and leave, here is how you can get some insight into how he is acting, and possibly how you can repair the situation.\u00a0 First and foremost, what is his work situation like?\u00a0 Chances are extremely high that he is either unemployed, or working a job he hates; either way, the end result is the same: He feels frustrated, trapped, and emasculated.\u00a0 I can say that for certain, since no confident, internally-validated man feels the need to bully anyone, much less his woman.<\/p>\n

So the first thing to do is start giving him more validation, and definitely no nagging or complaining.\u00a0 If he has a job, let him know how much you appreciate him and how hard he works; and help him figure out what else he can do to either find a new job, or at least an outlet for his frustration.\u00a0 If he is unemployed, let him know you know how hard he is trying, and how proud you are of him.\u00a0\u00a0 Either way, triple up on the validation and encouragement.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be surprised if he still reacts negatively to your words, but they\u2019ll start to sink in.\u00a0 Say these sort of things when he is acting \u2018nice\u2019, and when he is being mean just be quiet and let him vent.<\/p>\n

Once you see his defenses start to come down, or when he is in \u2018nice\u2019 mode, let him know that you understand he is frustrated, but that does NOT give him permission to take his frustrations out on you.\u00a0 Since you love him, and he is hurting you, and hurting you doesn\u2019t solve his problems.\u00a0 Let him know that you don\u2019t deserve to be treated that way, and you will leave him before you put up with it indefinitely.\u00a0 Hopefully he hears you, and combined with some validation and a new outlet, things start to turn around.<\/p>\n

But to be clear, my advice is not stay and work on it; my advice is still very much that you should leave.\u00a0 He is a grown man, and if he hasn\u2019t learned coping skills by now, chances are very high that he\u2019s not going to.\u00a0 Add to that he has already damaged your perception of him (he\u2019s not the one anymore); the foundation of your relationship has been fundamentally damaged.\u00a0\u00a0 Staying because leaving would be painful is pointless, when staying is even *more* painful.<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:\u00a0http:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask me anything:\u00a0http:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cThings started out so great. I thought I found “the one”. Now he is nice half the time, and angry the other half. I feel like I walk on eggshells. I don’t want to leave because I know how much I would miss him but I don’t want to be yelled at…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,39,35,114,29,81,38,92,31,46,43,48,45,78],"tags":[3,44,34,8,12,54,82,70,14,23,53,26,25,51,24,56],"class_list":["post-1122","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-loss","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-relationships-2","category-spirituality","category-tainted-love","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-buddha","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-grief","tag-guilt","tag-life-coach","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-stress"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: \u2018I thought he was the one, but now I\u2019m not so sure\u2026.\u2019 - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: \u2018I thought he was the one, but now I\u2019m not so sure\u2026.\u2019 - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cThings started out so great. 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