{"id":1027,"date":"2012-06-23T05:49:02","date_gmt":"2012-06-23T05:49:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=1027"},"modified":"2012-06-23T05:49:02","modified_gmt":"2012-06-23T05:49:02","slug":"qa-should-i-cheat-on-them-to-get-even","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-should-i-cheat-on-them-to-get-even.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: \u2018Should I cheat on them to get even?\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Subtle, right?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Question submitted via Formspring<\/a>:
\n\u201cI caught my wife cheating on me. From what I know, it was only once, and she is sorry. To remedy our marriage, she has given me permission to have sex with another woman of my choice. This is very tempting, but I’m afraid it will only make things worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

We talked about this on a recent episode of\u00a0Rise UP with B. Dave Walters<\/a>, along with: finding a wonderful relationship! Plus, do opposites really attract, can long distance relationships work, what to do with a coworker stealing, why liberals live in the city, and conservatives in the country, and\u00a0much, much, more<\/a>!<\/p>\n

For now, let us break this one into pieces:
\nYou caught your wife cheating (how?)
\nIt appears she\u2019s only done it once, but regrets it.
\nYou are apparently willing to stay with her, and she apparently wants to stay with you.
\nShe\u2019s given you \u2018permission\u2019 to sleep with another woman.
\nYou are considering doing it (obviously), but are afraid it will make things worse.<\/p>\n

Well, your hunch is correct: it will absolutely make thing worse. \u00a0Because, if you think about it; how could it possibly make things any better?<\/p>\n

Your wife is attempting to alleviate her guilt by bringing you down to her level; she\u2019ll thinks she\u2019ll feel less guilty if you are just as guilty. \u00a0But the fact is, she is trying to let you \u2018get even\u2019, but it will do nothing of the sort.\u00a0 You may actually find something in the other woman that you prefer over your wife; or even worse, your wife may just believe you do, which will just drive the wedge further between you.\u00a0\u00a0Why would adding more infidelity and distrust to the relationship in any way help repair the damage that has already been done?<\/p>\n

Since it seems clear that you want to \u2018remedy your relationship\u2019, first and foremost dismiss the idea that you doing the same thing is the solution, it will only lead to chaos.\u00a0 Instead, first and foremost, try and understand why she cheated in the first place; not getting even in any way.\u00a0 If you can\u2019t\u00a0forgive her for what she\u2019s done<\/a>, your relationship is doomed anyway.\u00a0 What is it she was looking for that you aren\u2019t providing? Nurturing?\u00a0 Excitement? Sex?\u00a0 Was her father a womanizer, and she\u2019s unconsciously living into that now?<\/p>\n

Something is lacking in your relationship that left a space for another man to enter; find out what it is, and set about filling that gap. \u00a0And as a side note, if she says she was drunk or something like that, remember that all alcohol does is remove inhibitions; if she got drunk and fooled around on you, it\u2019s because she wanted to do so all along.<\/p>\n

Once you set about fulfilling her needs, you\u2019ll also need to start\u00a0rebuilding the trust in your relationship<\/a>.\u00a0 You say she\u2019s only cheated once, but you caught her in the act; that either means she is terrible at keeping secrets, or you were already checking up on her.\u00a0 If you felt the need to snoop, the trust may have already been lacking.\u00a0 Once again, to be totally clear: if you are unwilling, or unable to put this behind you and start from scratch, it\u2019s better to walk away now.<\/p>\n

No matter how you look at it, rebuilding your relationship will be a process, and probably a long one.\u00a0 Realize she didn\u2019t get to the point of infidelity over night, and you won\u2019t get to a point of total trust over night, either.\u00a0 You may be mad at her for a long time, and even after you think you\u2019ve forgiven her it may come up again; but that just means you\u2019ll have to release it again, too.\u00a0 The fact is, she made a mistake; which doesn\u2019t make her a terrible person, it makes her human.
\nHowever, you should remember something important: once is a mistake, twice is a choice.<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters
\nWriter, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:
\nhttp:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

Ask me anything:
\nhttp:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cI caught my wife cheating on me. From what I know, it was only once, and she is sorry. To remedy our marriage, she has given me permission to have sex with another woman of my choice. This is very tempting, but I’m afraid it will only make things worse.\u201d…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,47,55,39,35,114,29,81,38,31,28,43,45,30],"tags":[3,44,34,13,12,54,11,70,36,14,23,53,26,25,51,24,5,56],"class_list":["post-1027","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-peace","category-relationships-2","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-guilt","tag-hope","tag-life-coach","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-rise-up","tag-stress"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: \u2018Should I cheat on them to get even?\u2019 - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-should-i-cheat-on-them-to-get-even.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: \u2018Should I cheat on them to get even?\u2019 - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"  Question submitted via Formspring: \u201cI caught my wife cheating on me. 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