{"id":1019,"date":"2012-06-11T05:10:28","date_gmt":"2012-06-11T05:10:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=1019"},"modified":"2012-06-23T05:49:35","modified_gmt":"2012-06-23T05:49:35","slug":"qa-why-do-i-run-away-when-i-develop-feelings-for-someone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-why-do-i-run-away-when-i-develop-feelings-for-someone.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: \u2018Why do I run away when I develop feelings for someone?\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Trying to avoid getting hurt, is *the fastest way to get hurt*<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring<\/a>:
\n\u201cHello Dave. I’m young and happily single; only friends and fun from time to time. But sometimes when I meet someone with whom I can be a friend AND have fun, I develop feelings for him. This scares me and I stop contact; should I give them a chance?\u201d<\/p>\n

First, let\u2019s break this one into pieces:
\nYou are \u2018young\u2019 and \u2018happily single\u2019.
\nYou only have friends and \u2018fun from time to time\u2019; AKA the occasional \u2018friend with benefits<\/a>‘.
\nWhen you find a guy you can sleep with, and you actually enjoy his company, you develop feelings for him; which is normal enough.
\nHowever, that scares you and you stop contact.
\nNow, you want to know if you should give them a chance.<\/p>\n

Here is a better question: what is your relationship with your father like, and what is his relationship with your mother like? As for why that\u2019s the question, let\u2019s look at this in more detail.
\nYou are young; how young? Based on the overall tone of the question, my sense is around 22-24 years old. You also say you are \u2018happily single\u2019; but if the prospect of not being single scares you, that is more like hiding. And hiding isn\u2019t happiness.<\/p>\n

You mention when you find a guy that you can be friends and \u2018have fun\u2019 with, you develop feelings for him; but that\u2019s actually a bit of a red flag. Since that means you put guys you can be friends with and guys you can be intimate with in two different categories, which means you probably tend to be attracted to jerks. Remember that, we\u2019ll come back to it later.<\/p>\n

When you develop these feelings, it scares you, and you stop contact; which means meaningless sex comes easier to you than emotional intimacy, which is yet another red flag.
\nSo, I ask once again: what is your relationship with your father like, and what is his relationship with your mother like?<\/p>\n

There are a couple of reasons why this is the question; first and foremost there is a very short list of things that cause this kind of emotional response, and\u00a0daddy issues<\/a>\u00a0are right at the top of the list.
\nChances are extremely high that you don\u2019t come from a stable, loving home with parents who are in a stable, loving relationship\u2026even if it\u2019s with someone else. We learn from our parents what a relationship is supposed to look like, and when that\u2019s not the best example, we get stuck living into that pattern again and again.<\/p>\n

The other thing that can cause this response, is being an abuse survivor. Normally, I wouldn\u2019t have suggested this as a possibility; but the fact that sex comes so easily but emotions do not is a red flag.<\/p>\n

No matter what the cause is, the answer is the same: first and foremost, figure out who hurt you, and\u00a0forgive them for whatever they did, or whatever they didn\u2019t do<\/a>. It doesn\u2019t matter if you give any of these guys a chance or not; if you haven\u2019t fixed the original problem, you\u2019ll still end up sabotaging the relationship.<\/p>\n

Once you have forgiven them, then you can work on forgiving and\u00a0truly loving yourself<\/a>.
\nThe reason why you are afraid when you develop feelings for someone, is because you\u2019re afraid they\u2019ll leave. Deep down inside, you don\u2019t feel like\u00a0you are good enough<\/a>\u00a0for them, and when they realize they\u2019ll run; this is why the sex is easy but the emotions are difficult, and also why you might like jerks. True and genuine self love is the only counter to this, since once you realize how wonderful you are, and how much you have to offer, you\u2019ll realize that any guy would be a fool to leave you. And if he does, it\u2019ll be his loss anyway!<\/p>\n

To be clear: yes you should give at least some of these guys a chance; but it won\u2019t matter until you\u2019ve done the inner work first. Since right now, it\u2019s like you are asking if you should buy a new car while your garage is cluttered with junk; you have to make room for it first.
\nAbove all else, be gentle with yourself; it\u2019s totally normal to be a little scared by the prospect of a new relationship, it\u2019s just not healthy to be crippled by that fear. Even as you go forward you still may feel that urge to run, but you\u2019ll have to learn to stand your ground and realize that the fear isn\u2019t real.
\nNow it\u2019s up to you to stop running; being vulnerable is not easy, but it\u2019s worth it!<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters
\nWriter, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:
\nhttp:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask me anything:
\nhttp:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cHello Dave. I’m young and happily single; only friends and fun from time to time. But sometimes when I meet someone with whom I can be a friend AND have fun, I develop feelings for him. This scares me and I stop contact; should I give them a chance?\u201d First, let\u2019s break…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,55,80,39,116,35,29,81,38,31,46,28,112,43,45,30],"tags":[4,3,34,13,12,115,54,11,70,36,14,22,23,26,25,51,24,42,18,32],"class_list":["post-1019","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change-2","category-emotions-2","category-family","category-fear","category-friends","category-getting-over-it","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-peace","category-pessimism","category-relationships-2","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","tag-all-about-you","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breakthroughs","tag-change","tag-emotions","tag-family","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-guilt","tag-hope","tag-life-coach","tag-los-angeles","tag-love","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-self-talk","tag-spiritual-coach","tag-who-are-you"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: \u2018Why do I run away when I develop feelings for someone?\u2019 - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-why-do-i-run-away-when-i-develop-feelings-for-someone.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: \u2018Why do I run away when I develop feelings for someone?\u2019 - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring: \u201cHello Dave. 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This scares me and I stop contact; should I give them a chance?\u201d First, let\u2019s break…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-why-do-i-run-away-when-i-develop-feelings-for-someone.html","og_site_name":"A Reason to Smile","article_published_time":"2012-06-11T05:10:28+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-06-23T05:49:35+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/6a00d8345159c669e20147e23f5a37970b-800wi-300x200.jpg"}],"author":"B. 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