{"id":1005,"date":"2012-06-01T08:18:40","date_gmt":"2012-06-01T08:18:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/?p=1005"},"modified":"2012-06-03T07:51:05","modified_gmt":"2012-06-03T07:51:05","slug":"qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html","title":{"rendered":"Q&A: “My husband cheated 5 times…why did I stay?”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Actually, it's never worth it<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring<\/a>
\n\u201cI have been with a man who had at least five affairs during our 27 years or marriage, and even spent 7 years with the same woman. What makes a man do this? What made me accept it for so long? I am trying to move on now; God help me!\u201d<\/p>\n

We discussed this question on a recent episode of\u00a0Rise UP with B. Dave Walters<\/a>, along with:
\nHow to be happy right now,\u00a0getting over being cheated on, if Jesus studied Buddhism, how to find love, advice for a 27 year old virgin, and more.<\/p>\n

For our purposes here, first of all let me say clearly: not all guys cheat, since I myself never have and I have several guy friends who never have.<\/p>\n

That being said, though: lots of guys do cheat. \u00a0And there are two main reasons why it happens, and why you kept (keep?) putting up with it:<\/p>\n

The first is rather simple, and unavoidable:\u00a0it is impossible for a man to stop looking at other women<\/a>; he can\u2019t help it, it\u2019s in his blood. But that is NOT an excuse for cheating; being able to control our impulses is what makes us different from the animals.<\/p>\n

The second, much bigger reason you are having problems: you pick the wrong guys.
\nIt seems based on the fact that you took him back after at least five affairs, you have what Dr. Drew calls \u2018a broken picker\u2019. Think about how incredibly little you must have thought about yourself, and your own self-worth to accept something like that. Imagine, if you had a person who wrecked your car, and then a second…would you let them drive a third car, much less a fourth or fifth? \u00a0\u00a0For whatever reason, you gravitate towards the type of guy who ultimately cannot be trusted, and there is probably a very good reason why.<\/p>\n

Look at your relationship with your father and his relationship with your mother.
\nChances are extremely high that either 1. Dad cheated on mom, 2. Dad wasn\u2019t around, or 3. Both.<\/p>\n

It is very possible that you learned at a young age that \u2018men who love me cheat\/leave\u2019, and you\u2019ve been living into it ever since. If the issue isn\u2019t with Dad, if you look into your early life, there is probably someone close to you who violated your trust, or seemed to leave you when you needed them most. \u00a0Chances are also incredibly high that his father also cheated on his mother, or something very similar; since this level of infidelity (and tolerance for infidelity), is not learned in a vacuum.<\/p>\n

The solution, also has two parts: 1. Recognize you have a broken picker, and that the first guy who gets your attention is probably not the best guy to get involved with. I for my part am attracted to crazy girls with lots of baggage; once I realized this and started paying more attention I was able to find the right woman and have been happily married ever since.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0Forgive the person who hurt you<\/a>, even if you weren\u2019t consciously aware that it hurt before now. \u00a0One thing we mentioned in the broadcast, is your anger towards him can be good in the short term to help you find the strength to leave; but once you are gone you have to put that anger down since it will only hurt you in the long term.<\/p>\n

Since it is only after your forgive them for what they did (or didn\u2019t do) that you can be free from this pattern and able to create something new. \u00a0You will also have to forgive yourself for letting it happen, since no matter how you look at it, it is already done; it’s in the past. \u00a0Being angry at yourself about it will just cause you to keep creating toxic situations to subconsciously punish yourself.<\/p>\n

Add to this\u00a0truly loving yourself<\/a>\u00a0and realizing that\u00a0you are good enough<\/a>\u00a0and your problem will magically fade away.<\/p>\n

You are great, and I love you!
\nAnd if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!<\/p>\n

B. Dave Walters
\nWriter, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host<\/p>\n

Find out more about me:
\nhttp:\/\/about.me\/BDaveWalter<\/a>s<\/p>\n

Ask me anything:
\nhttp:\/\/formspring.me\/BDaveWalters<\/a><\/p>\n

Pages I support:
\nJesus and Buddha<\/a>\u00a0— Interfaith dialog<\/p>\n

Gnostic Theism<\/a>\u00a0— Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)<\/p>\n

Love One Another<\/a>\u00a0— A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!<\/p>\n

\u00a0\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring \u201cI have been with a man who had at least five affairs during our 27 years or marriage, and even spent 7 years with the same woman. What makes a man do this? What made me accept it for so long? I am trying to move on now; God help me!\u201d We…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[47,55,80,39,35,114,29,81,38,92,31,46,28,43,48,45,30,78],"tags":[3,44,34,10,13,69,12,54,11,109,82,70,36,14,23,53,26,25,51,24,5,42,50,18,32],"class_list":["post-1005","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-emotions-2","category-family","category-fear","category-getting-over-it","category-guilt","category-happiness","category-healing","category-hope-inspiration","category-loss","category-love-2","category-love-yourself","category-peace","category-relationships-2","category-spirituality","category-tainted-love","category-the-past","category-worry","tag-b-dave-walters","tag-breaking-up","tag-breakthroughs","tag-buddhism","tag-change","tag-christianity","tag-emotions","tag-getting-married","tag-gnostic-theism","tag-god","tag-grief","tag-guilt","tag-hope","tag-life-coach","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-peacelovemoney-com","tag-psychology","tag-rejection","tag-relationships","tag-rise-up","tag-self-talk","tag-spiritual-but-not-religious","tag-spiritual-coach","tag-who-are-you"],"yoast_head":"\nQ&A: "My husband cheated 5 times...why did I stay?" - A Reason to Smile<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Q&A: "My husband cheated 5 times...why did I stay?" - A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring \u201cI have been with a man who had at least five affairs during our 27 years or marriage, and even spent 7 years with the same woman. What makes a man do this? What made me accept it for so long? I am trying to move on now; God help me!\u201d We…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"A Reason to Smile\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-06-01T08:18:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-06-03T07:51:05+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/cheating-husband-listings-020310-300x227.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"B. Dave Walters\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Q&A: \"My husband cheated 5 times...why did I stay?\" - A Reason to Smile","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Q&A: \"My husband cheated 5 times...why did I stay?\" - A Reason to Smile","og_description":"Question\u00a0submitted via Formspring \u201cI have been with a man who had at least five affairs during our 27 years or marriage, and even spent 7 years with the same woman. What makes a man do this? What made me accept it for so long? I am trying to move on now; God help me!\u201d We…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html","og_site_name":"A Reason to Smile","article_published_time":"2012-06-01T08:18:40+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-06-03T07:51:05+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/cheating-husband-listings-020310-300x227.jpg"}],"author":"B. Dave Walters","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html","name":"Q&A: \"My husband cheated 5 times...why did I stay?\" - A Reason to Smile","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/cheating-husband-listings-020310-300x227.jpg","datePublished":"2012-06-01T08:18:40+00:00","dateModified":"2012-06-03T07:51:05+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#\/schema\/person\/bcf42d892eff535aad3a062b7d9534c9"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/cheating-husband-listings-020310-300x227.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/areasontosmile\/files\/2012\/06\/cheating-husband-listings-020310-300x227.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/2012\/06\/qa-my-husband-cheated-5-times-why-did-i-stay.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Q&A: “My husband cheated 5 times…why did I stay?”"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/","name":"A Reason to Smile","description":"Beliefnet Voices - B. Dave Walters","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/#\/schema\/person\/bcf42d892eff535aad3a062b7d9534c9","name":"B. Dave Walters","description":"B. Dave Walters is like a mix between Joel Osteen, Tony Robbins, and the Old Spice Guy. He is the winner of the \"Be the Next Beleifnet Featured Blogger\" contest for Beliefnet.com in the Hope & Inspiration category. He is also the host of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters on Party 93.4 FM out of Hudson Valley, New York, as well as a nationally syndicated columnist on the topics of spirituality and relationships for the Examiner.com. He is the author of one book, \"49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money\". For years, friends and relatives looked to him for guidance and support during difficult times, and he realized at an early age that his purpose in life was to serve and inspire. While touring as a personal coach with a prominent rock band, he was discovered by one of the top trainers of the Anthony Robbins companies, which lead to him settling down to open and operate a Marketing, Business Services and Coaching firm in Los Angeles. Armed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge, he brings the same discipline and determination that helped him earn Black Belt rankings in Shaolin Kung Fu and Tai Chi to all areas of study and focus. In addition to earning a degree in English from Morehouse College, he has mastered the science of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and other communication, healing, counseling and spiritual systems from all over the world. He brings his empathy, insight, and vast personal experience into all his relationships, which has lead to him being one of the most sought after Coaches in the world today. He lives in Burbank, California with his wife and two daughters.","sameAs":["http:\/\/about.me\/bdavewalters"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/author\/dwalters"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/450"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1005"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1008,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1005\/revisions\/1008"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1005"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1005"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/areasontosmile\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1005"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}