{"id":149,"date":"2018-09-06T00:31:29","date_gmt":"2018-09-06T00:31:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/?p=149"},"modified":"2018-09-06T00:31:29","modified_gmt":"2018-09-06T00:31:29","slug":"responsibility-without-blame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/09\/responsibility-without-blame.html","title":{"rendered":"Responsibility Without Blame"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-145\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/408\/2018\/08\/StockSnap_MRAPBJPHQQ-200x300.jpg\" alt=\"Courtesy of StockSnap\" width=\"200\" height=\"300\" \/>Taking one hundred percent responsibility for your life is not popular or easy.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you just blame your parents, spouse or coworkers when life does not turn out the way you expect or want?\u00a0 Everyone else does. We believe there is an explanation for why something went wrong and we will feel better if we identify the person responsible.\u00a0 If that person is not pointed out and you are involved, the blame may fall on you. You would be revealed as the unworthy person you secretly fear you are. Consequently, we blame anything and everything outside ourselves to keep the spotlight focused elsewhere.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>The downside of blame is it inevitably lands on us. There is always enough to go around. The most painful criticisms can fly our way from the lips of those closest to us because they know us best and can personalize them. They are personalized but not personal. Attacks can be a misguided attempt to hurt us, but mostly they are the weapon of choice for those trying to avoid blame and responsibility themselves.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Blame is a weapon that inevitably turns on the wielder and fosters resentment, hopelessness and unhappiness. You insulted me and are a jerk,\u2019 weakens both parties and increases bitterness.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>\u2018That felt like an insult and I will take responsibility for my bad feelings,\u2019\u00a0 strengthens the person willing to take control of themselves.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Responsibility without blame builds resilience, confidence and compassion.<\/p>\n<p>\u2018That less qualified hustler took my job,\u2019 increases bitterness.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>\u2018I am feeling vulnerable in this economy and need to explore what I need to do differently,\u2019 is self-empowering.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>People will still lie, cheat and steal and need to face the consequences. Consider a self-empowering scenario where you notice what happened and take action but without disparaging the other party. If someone steals your purse, call the police but understand the thief is in a situation where she felt the need to steal and hope that improves in the future. In a blame scenario, because of her actions, you now believe the world is an unsafe place full of terrible people.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>You may not lie, cheat or steal but blame is still a knife with two edges. As long as you are looking for someone to blame, self-blame is ready to fill in the blanks. If you do not believe this, watch your thoughts for a day. Notice how often you automatically blame others for how you feel. Or how often are your thoughts self-critical and belittling. Try a one day, no blame challenge.\u00a0 For 24 hours, do not blame anyone for anything (including yourself).\u00a0\u00a0 If another driver grabs your parking space, notice but stop further thoughts. When your partner does not pick up dinner as promised, come up with an alternative without demonizing or criticizing her in your mind.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>See how you feel at the end of the day. You may be a bit calmer and stronger. Or perhaps you will be ready to burst with all the unspoken criticisms and accusations.\u00a0 With practice, you can get rid of the blame habit and embrace full responsibility for whatever you feel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Taking one hundred percent responsibility for your life is not popular or easy.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you just blame your parents, spouse or coworkers when life does not turn out the way you expect or want?\u00a0 Everyone else does. We believe there is an explanation for why something went wrong and we will feel better if we&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":619,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[6,46],"class_list":["post-149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-blame","tag-responsibility"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Responsibility Without Blame - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Taking one hundred percent responsibility for your life is not popular or easy but it builds resilience, confidence and compassion.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Responsibility Without Blame - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Taking one hundred percent responsibility for your life is not popular or easy but it builds resilience, confidence and compassion.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/09\/responsibility-without-blame.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Serenity in an Age of Anxiety\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-09-06T00:31:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/08\/StockSnap_MRAPBJPHQQ-200x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Kelly Dorfman\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Responsibility Without Blame - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","description":"Taking one hundred percent responsibility for your life is not popular or easy but it builds resilience, confidence and compassion.","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"nofollow"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Responsibility Without Blame - 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In addition to her work as a clinical nutritionist, she leads workshops on resolving relationship conflicts and anxiety using principles of wholeheartedness. Kelly also directed an intuition training program for doctors and medical professionals for ten years and co-founded a non-profit to support families of children with developmental delays. After decades of clinical practice using targeted nutrition therapy to tackle complex medical problems, she wanted to focus on problems created by the mind beyond biochemistry. She noticed the mind seems to create endless obstacles to happiness and peace of mind no matter how committed a person is to these goals. Anger, fear, anxiety and loneliness are symptoms the mind needs help as well as opportunities to remember who we really are and why we are here. Kelly is writing a second book tentatively titled, Love in an Age of Anxiety.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/author\/kdorfman"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/619"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=149"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":150,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions\/150"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}