{"id":108,"date":"2018-06-05T15:36:44","date_gmt":"2018-06-05T15:36:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/?p=108"},"modified":"2018-06-05T15:36:44","modified_gmt":"2018-06-05T15:36:44","slug":"your-hidden-super-power","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html","title":{"rendered":"Your Hidden Super Power"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><u>Breaking the Blame Cycle-Part 2<\/u><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-107\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/408\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg\" alt=\"by Ben Smith\" width=\"241\" height=\"300\" \/>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the blame cycle starts with rotten behavior such as cheating, lying, stealing or cruelty, it is easy for the victim to claim the moral high ground. The occupant of the moral high ground might temporarily feel better, but over time, it is emotionally unsatisfying.\u00a0 A diet of blame leads to the loneliness of self-righteousness and the sickness of disappointment because it separates you from others. Not to mention if someone\u2019s behavior can make you unhappy you are in their power.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t have to approve or encourage behavior you don\u2019t like but if you get stuck in blame you may as well give up your peace of mind. Luckily, a blame cycle takes two people to start but only one to break. The ability to break the cycle all by yourself is your hidden super power. The secret is to give up trying to change other\u2019s behavior and concentrate on changing your own mind. Happiness lies in introducing something into the relationship beyond expectations and frustration. It\u2019s time to give up the need to be right and be the source of love and validation you hoped to get from others.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><u>Take 100% Responsibility for Your Happiness<\/u><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>You are not directly responsible for someone else\u2019s behavior but many people remain blissfully unaware of the power they have to influence other\u2019s reactions. Cindy\u2019s mother, Bea does not believe she is critical. She is simply responding to Cindy\u2019s frostiness. Cindy sees herself as a kind and loving person except with her mother, who does not appreciate her.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>To break the cycle, one of them must ask the question, what behavior of mine does the other person find upsetting? This does not mean accepting blame, but is a way to take responsibility by identifying unintentionally provoking behaviors. Here is the kicker: The person with the superpower scrutinizes their own behavior without an expectation that the other person will do the same. The willingness to examine their behavior while the other continues to blame is the less traveled road to emotional freedom.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>With a few snarky comments about her mother\u2019s neediness, Cindy admitted she was not warm when it came to Bea. She needed to keep her distance and set boundaries or Bea would take over her life, she argued defensively.\u00a0 Cindy wanted to discuss expectations and set ground rules but Bea is uninterested. In frustration, Cindy is trying to control the situation. Matching Bea\u2019s perceived selfishness with equally unloving behavior is keeping them in a blame cycle.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Cindy may need to set boundaries but has chosen to blame and punish her mother instead. Boundaries are important but not Cindy\u2019s primary goal. Despite her complaints, Cindy secretly wants to feel loved by her mother. Ironically, Bea wants the same from Cindy.\u00a0 Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When blame inevitably fails, the punishment begins, trapping the participants in a painful cycle. Owning the hidden love and attention agenda is the secret to letting go of blame.<\/p>\n<p>Post #20<\/p>\n<p>Next time: Part 3: Activate Your Super Power with Wholeheartedness<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Breaking the Blame Cycle-Part 2 &nbsp; \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the blame cycle starts with rotten behavior such as cheating, lying, stealing or cruelty, it is easy for the victim to claim the moral high ground. The occupant of the moral high ground might temporarily feel better, but over time, it is emotionally unsatisfying.\u00a0 A diet of&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":619,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3,6,33,32],"class_list":["post-108","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-anxiety","tag-blame","tag-relationships","tag-super-power"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Your Hidden Super Power - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When it fails, punishment follows trapping them both.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Your Hidden Super Power - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When it fails, punishment follows trapping them both.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Serenity in an Age of Anxiety\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-06-05T15:36:44+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Kelly Dorfman\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Your Hidden Super Power - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","description":"Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When it fails, punishment follows trapping them both.","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"nofollow"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Your Hidden Super Power - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","og_description":"Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When it fails, punishment follows trapping them both.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html","og_site_name":"Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","article_published_time":"2018-06-05T15:36:44+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg"}],"author":"Kelly Dorfman","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html","name":"Your Hidden Super Power - Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg","datePublished":"2018-06-05T15:36:44+00:00","dateModified":"2018-06-05T15:36:44+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/#\/schema\/person\/fe46541d5785c5438edd2d7fd5e65b42"},"description":"Blame is a disastrous strategy two people use to bully love and\/or attention out of the other. When it fails, punishment follows trapping them both.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/files\/2018\/06\/hero-1308524-241x300.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/2018\/06\/your-hidden-super-power.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Your Hidden Super Power"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/","name":"Serenity in an Age of Anxiety","description":"Mastering peace of mind when the world won\u2019t help","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/#\/schema\/person\/fe46541d5785c5438edd2d7fd5e65b42","name":"Kelly Dorfman","description":"Kelly is an award-winning author and speaker who has been featured on CNN\u2019s American Morning and other news programs, as well as in articles in The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and Oprah Magazine. In addition to her work as a clinical nutritionist, she leads workshops on resolving relationship conflicts and anxiety using principles of wholeheartedness. Kelly also directed an intuition training program for doctors and medical professionals for ten years and co-founded a non-profit to support families of children with developmental delays. After decades of clinical practice using targeted nutrition therapy to tackle complex medical problems, she wanted to focus on problems created by the mind beyond biochemistry. She noticed the mind seems to create endless obstacles to happiness and peace of mind no matter how committed a person is to these goals. Anger, fear, anxiety and loneliness are symptoms the mind needs help as well as opportunities to remember who we really are and why we are here. Kelly is writing a second book tentatively titled, Love in an Age of Anxiety.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/author\/kdorfman"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/619"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=108"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":109,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108\/revisions\/109"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=108"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=108"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/ageofanxiety\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=108"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}