![\"no-end-street-1408983\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/408\/2018\/05\/no-end-street-1408983-300x225.jpg\")
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When you are anxious, fearful and angry the mind tries to solve the problem\u00a0 There are clues to uncover, culprits to identify and worthiness to earn. If there is no action to take, there is always rumination. What should I do? Why isn\u2019t the situation different? Who is to blame?<\/p>\n
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It feels like the mind is helping by hashing over the details of your latest concern. Unfortunately, \u00a0identifying the right person to blame for your discontent will not reduce anxiety or make you happy. \u201cYou have insulted me and I have correctly identified you as the cause of my distress.\u201d (Still angry.) \u201cYou should apologize and feel bad about yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
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Contentment has a dirty sheen when earned at someone else\u2019s expense. Blame comes from the need to validate why you feel the way you do without taking responsibility for your feelings.\u00a0 And if we are honest, a way to feel better about ourselves compared to someone else.\u00a0 \u201cI am right and clearly the better person.\u00a0 You, on the other hand, have issues.\u201d<\/p>\n
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The Blame Cycle<\/u><\/p>\n
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\u201cYou never visit me,\u201d Cindy\u2019s mother Bea* complained for the umpteenth time after moving to an assisted living facility. \u201cThis place is disgusting.\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I go home?\u201d<\/p>\n
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\u201cNo matter how much I do, it is never enough, \u201c Cindy reported after her latest interaction. \u201cI put her in the nicest place money can buy and all she does is gripe and complain.\u201d Cindy spent the next few minutes cataloguing the many ways her mother never appreciated her. She, in turn, retaliated with rare visits and a chilly demeanor.<\/p>\n
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Cindy blames Bea\u2019s self-absorption for her coldness. From Bea\u2019s perspective Cindy is aloof and uncaring so she must needle her for attention.\u00a0 Welcome to the closed feedback loop, a relationship gridlock where each party blames the other for their unhappiness while remaining wholly unaware of the impact of own behavior.\u00a0 Both parties in a closed feedback loop blame cycle say they behave the way they do because of the actions and attitude of the other person.<\/p>\n
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These examples of the blame cycle may sound familiar:<\/p>\n
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My husband is selfish so I don\u2019t take him into account any more.<\/p>\n
Because my wife does not care about me, I must watch out for myself.<\/p>\n
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Or,\u00a0 My boss is mean so I don\u2019t respect her.<\/p>\n
My employees don\u2019t respect me so I don\u2019t bother being nice.<\/p>\n
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Or, She is always cranky so I tune her out.<\/p>\n
She tunes me out so I am cranky.<\/p>\n
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The blame cycle is as poisonous as it is ubiquitous in intimate relationships. Even if one person starts a conflict with bad behavior, blame and shame keep the misery flowing. If the offender knows she was hurtful and has not made reparations, chances are she has reframed the story to justify her actions and reduce guilt. I cheated because you ignore me or I said your cheesecake tasted off because you are such a food snob, are versions of the same old closed feedback loop. \u00a0Fortunately, it takes two people to keep a blame cycle going but only one to break it.<\/p>\n
Post 19<\/p>\n
*Not their real names.<\/p>\n
Next time: Part 2: Your Hidden Superpower<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When you are anxious, fearful and angry the mind tries to solve the problem\u00a0 There are clues to uncover, culprits to identify and worthiness to earn. If there is no action to take, there is always rumination. What should I do? Why isn\u2019t the situation different? Who is to blame? It feels like…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":619,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-104","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n